New Year... New Chance

Well here we are again.. a new year just days away. The thing I'm ashamed to say is 2011 wasn't as awesome of a year for me as I wanted it to be. Worst part... it's mostly my own fault. Aside from the drama with Andy and his family, I don't feel like I grew as much as I had hoped to. At the end of this year, I was in the same position as I have been the last couple. There is so much stress in my life right now, just like anyone else's, and I'm really needing a fresh start with nothing but positive things. I'm still trying to wrap up the sale on my house that should have been done along time ago, with a tenant from hell in there right now. (I didn't want her there to begin with and now I'm stuck in a bad situation. Long story) I'm really hoping that 2012 has a break waiting for me because at this point in life I could really use it. However, I'm more than aware that I allow both negativity and positivity in my life. In order for change to come, I have to allow it to enter. I suppose that is what I have struggled with the most. I'm ending this year worn out and exhausted from the last 6 years of my life. I don't want to sound like negative Nancy, or come off as complaining. I'm not. I'm just worn out. It's hard being super mom working full time, going to school, and being a single mom. Then to top it off and have to deal with court after court and the sale of a house that I've been completely screwed over on, I've reached an all time low energy level. I'm needing a breath of fresh air and some rest. I've been taking care of other people for 6 years and I by far won't complain about that. More than anything I love taking care of my family. But I'm at the point where I'm ready for someone to take care of me. I know I'm a strong woman, but sometimes you don't want to have to be strong anymore. So here's to kissing this year goodbye, and welcoming the new one. Let's all hope 2012 is THE YEAR for happiness to enter and dreams to come true...

Chapter Over... The End

 Yesterday was my big day. The day finally came to speak up to my victimizer and his family. Lucky for me, I had amazing support with me, my mom, dad, and Larry, and an outpouring amount of support from friends and family who couldn't come sending me messages. I was so nervous in the morning and as we pulled up to the prison gates and got let in through the big gates the reality of what I was doing continued to set in further. The tears started pouring and Lar just kept telling me, "You can do this. You and Kayden finally get your day." As we parked I saw Rich's (Andy's Dad) truck right there. The fear set in and I had to keep reminding myself that they weren't allowed in my head anymore, this was for Kayden. We walked to the gates to be buzzed in, and the barbed wire and prisoners in the yard made me realize I had entered hell. As soon as we walked into the waiting room there was his entire family. The chatter and whispering began but I kept reminding myself that they didn't matter. I asked to be separated from them and they led us into a secure room through more doors to wait. When the officer finally came and said it was time, my nerves were about to explode. As we walked through the doors to be led in, and I saw him, I just lost it. I started crying and they had to more or less pull me in. As the hearing started she told Andy he would get his chance to talk but that the victim was here to talk and she had requested that he be in the room as I did so. I wanted him to hear through my emotions what he's done to me and my son. He immediately started lying about what he hasn't done and she saw right through him. When I finally gave my statement I spoke, and I spoke strong. THIS was my moment. I let it out and I let it flow. I did so with plenty of tears but the emotions needed to be felt. I was so scared, but I knew this was the step I needed to take to finally show him and his family they played no more part in my head. After I was done he went on about how I just hate him and make his life hell and she cut him like a knife. She told him, that may be, but the evidence and your behaviors since you were 13 show me otherwise. She told him it was clear he isn't changing and probably won't and wouldn't even give him a release date; just another parole hearing March 2013. Those words showed me that I was not the only person that saw Andy in this light. All I've ever wanted was for him and his family to hear me. But I've known that would never happen without interuptions and yelling. It felt AMAZING to say all my feelings and know that NO ONE could interupt me. I was heard... and I was heard loud and clear. And most importantly, I was heard by the people that it mattered most to. I finally have closure. I stood up and I said enough is enough and I won't be victimized anymore. They are out of my life and out of my head and it's a feeling I can't even explain. I finally have the ending to this chapter I so desperately needed. The best way I can describe my feelings is through the song by Michael Buble, Feeling Good.

Birds flying high
You know how I feel
Sun in the sky
You know how I feel
Reeds driftin' on by
You know how I feel
It's a new dawn
It's a new day
It's a new life
For me
And I'm feeling good

Fish in the sea
You know how I feel
River running free
You know how I feel
Blossom in the tree
You know how I feel
It's a new dawn
It's a new day
It's a new life
For me
And I'm feeling good

Dragonfly out in the sun you know what I mean, don't you know
Butterflies all havin' fun you know what I mean
Sleep in peace when the day is done, that's what I mean
And this old world is a new world
And a bold world
For me
Fooor me

Stars when you shine
You know how I feel
Scent of the pine
You know how I feel
Yeah freedom is mine
And I know how I feel
It's a new dawn
It's a new day
It's a new life
hu
It's a new dawn
It's a new day
It's a new life

It's a new dawn
It's a new day
It's a new life
It's a new life
For me

And I'm feeling good




I got the last word and it felt good. Kayden was heard... and I was heard... This chapter of my life is finally over... The end.

Parole Hearing...

I know it's been a bit... over a month!! Lots has gone on and I have had so many feelings the last month, but for once, I was at a loss for words of how to say it all. Thursday I go to Andy's parole hearing and give my victim's impact statement. I actually have no idea what to say. There are obviously a million things I can say about what he's done to me and Kayden, but I don't want to put it the wrong way and seem like just an angry ex. The damage he has caused to Kayden is obviously irreversible. I can get my son help, and I can talk to him about his feelings, but the damage that has been done, has been done. There are so many times I wonder why these struggles have been put into my little boy's life. Is it my fault for getting pregnant by an idiot? It's funny that you go through life, and struggle, and fall down but as an adult, you realize it's just all part of your journey. However, when you watch your little boy go through it at such a young age it's hard to see that side of it. All I can see is why is this fair to him? What lesson is my baby having to learn from someone else's actions? I want to see my son grow and succeed into a wonderful man. And I'll be honest, I am terrified that the feelings Andy has caused him could put him on the wrong path when he starts questioning things as he gets older. I feel like I can only do so much to help him to succeed, and I am scared that if there is too much damage there will be things I can't fix. When I was 6 months pregnant I heard the song Fix You by Coldplay, and instantly I decided that was my song to the special little boy in my belly. And as hardships have come into his life I always think of this song:

When you try your best, but you don't succeed
When you get what you want, but not what you need
When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone, but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Tears stream down on your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down on your face
And I...

Tears stream down on your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down on your face
And I...

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you 

And that is all I really want... is to fix him... Perhaps writing this blog is what I needed to find inspiration in what I will say when I come face to face with him Thursday... The damage has been done Andy, and I'm left trying to fix the mess you've made...

Where's My Backbone??

So recently I have felt so taken advantage of and used. It's been one of those moments I've wanted to avoid actually acknowledging that this person could actually be like that, but I've finally realized that is just the sad reality. The point of helping others isn't to wait for something to come back in return; I'm well aware of that. However, when all you do is give and give and give and help help help and then you need a favor and it is rejected you start to realize what is going on. The frustration I feel is at a boiling point. However, as I learned before, I control me, you control you. I can't control someone else and their actions or feelings. However, I can stand up for myself and say no. It's time for me to own me and what I do and have done. But it's also time for them to own the choices they made to put them in the situation they are in. I didn't choose the path you're on, and I didn't make the choices you made. So why is it I still feel like it's my duty to help you??? Well, this is it... this was my crumbling point. I've gotten sick of it and worn out of being taken advantage of. A lot of times I think my big heart does nothing but get me in trouble. But I've realized that isn't right. My big heart does exactly what it should... love and care. It's my head that gets me into trouble. Sometimes your head has to tell your heart no. It's time for me to look in the mirror and own me for my failures and my accomplishments and it's time you do the same. However, I have no control over whether you will or not, just that it's something I will finally do. I've tried to teach my children an important lesson of loving unconditionally and helping when people need you. But it's also time I teach them what a backbone is. I will make damn sure I don't raise doormats, a daughter who accepts less than perfect, or sons who think women don't deserve 120%. It is my leading by example that will help mold my children into who they are.... Perhaps it's time I remind myself of what a backbone is....being a doormat has gotten old.

Secret to Happiness...

Today one of my good friends asked me how I found happiness again so quickly. "Share your secrets please..." Isn't this a rather common question? What is the secret to happiness? Perhaps it isn't easy to accomplish but it's a rather simple concept... Happiness isn't something you go in search for. It isn't in the next guy, it isn't in a new car or lots of money... it's simply in yourself. I found my happiness by pulling it from inside again. I rid my life of the things that were holding me back and pushed forward. The only way to find happiness is to quit trying to find it. I found the perfect saying the other day, it said if you are depressed you are living in the past, if you are anxious you are living in the future, if you are at peace... you are living in the present. And never has a quote spoken to me so strongly. That's what I'm genuinly trying so hard to do right now. Live in the now. What happened, happened and it's done now. What hasn't happened yet hasn't happened, so why stress about what if?  But living in this moment, right now, soaking in every moment for what it is is what is bringing me happiness. Whether its dinners with friends, hugs from my kids, encouragement from my family, I'm living IN every moment. If you continue to try and look for moments to come, how will you ever enjoy the one you are in? The happiness you are "searching" for is here... right now. You just have to look with in rather than continue looking without....

It's Just Money...

I am so stressed right now. Too many bills going out and not enough coming in. Some of it is my own stupid choices and then some of it is just too many things coming at me at once. I've talked to a couple of my friends and they've all told me the same thing: It's just money. You have what's important in life and that's your kids, family, & friends. I'm trying to really remember this. At the end of the day, you can only take from me what I have. It's hard to remember to not stress over money when you are a single mom trying to make it. But what they've said is true. It's just money... I have what's important and what I need in life. I have my kids. I know that whether I have money or not they love me unconditionally and the size of my bank account means nothing to them. I guess I need to remember also that everything always works out one way or another. Sometimes it's just hard to see that when you are in the moment. But the advice I've been given is true. It's paper... What I have is better. I have beautiful smiles looking up at me, warm hugs from the most adorable little people ever, and kisses that melt my heart on a daily basis. It's time I start refocusing on what I have rather than what I don't. The more time I spend thinking of everything I don't have, the more time I'm wasting that could be spent counting my blessings as I always have. Time to refocus and remember gratitude. I'm very blessed to have what I DO have and that is what's important...

Hope...

You may wonder what that is.... This.. is hope. Ya see, Kayden made this little snowglobe type thing at school the other day and loved it so much. To him, it was something special. When he brought it home I thought it was cute but that was about it and didn't give it much more thought. Until tonight... Tonight Kayd saw me crying and asked me what was wrong. At this point, I didn't know if it was better to lie and act like nothing was wrong or simply tell the truth. I decided that it was just best to tell him the truth knowing that more than likely, he'd be who would make me feel better. "What's wrong momma? Why are you sad?" he asked. "I miss daddy. It's just kind of hard on me." He scrimaged around for a minute and pulled out this special project that he loved so much. "Mom, I know it's hard for you. But I want you to have this... when you get sad and are missing dad, pretend he's this little seashell and keep it in your purse. When you are missing him just a little pull it out and remember he's still there." Now, if I wasn't crying enough as it was, this pushed it to niagra falls level. My son is so wise beyond his years sometimes I can't believe it's really him speaking. I held this little thing close for a reason other than he suggested. I realized looking at this little shell that what my son had really just given me was hope... And that really, he's the little one in this jar when I'm feeling a bit sad. How could I have forgotten that through the hardest times it's my children that will actually pull me through. People have said to me to not worry about the kids, they will be fine they are resiliant. To just try and worry about healing myself right now. But it's actually these kids who will help me heal. This tiny little shell in this cute little project I once thought nothing of, has become the little bottle of hope I will carry around. Things will be ok... it just took a 6 year old to put that in perspective for me. 

Maybe This HAD To Happen...

As much as I feel like I'm back to square one, starting the long road again that I felt I had already conquered, I'm beginning to wonder if this is exactly what I NEEDED to have happen. The last year and a half has been more of a divorce on paper, but not in actuality. We've always been together, hanging out, being a family, etc. The divorce was in ink.... but not actually present. I'm obviously very sad that I had to make the decision I did and hope absolutely NOTHING but the very best for him, but I think this is exactly what I needed to finally decide it's time to move on. We've talked a lot and we are still getting along really great. We just both know this is what has to happen. I think this was the final push I needed to realize it's never gonna happen. This time though I have to do it right. No hanging out or calling and texting each other everyday.... just time to heal. As much as I can't imagine right now ever falling out of love with him, I do believe that time does heal all wounds and one day I will be okay. Do I think I'll ever completely stop loving him? No... But I do think it will get easier with time if I just do it right this time. I believe we will be there for each other in desperate times but I know that for now, all I need is space.... I will need my friends close once again to hold me up and support me. I pray that they haven't had enough and just want to walk away. I guess I know in my heart though that those who are true and love me will be there no matter what...

Marilyn Monroe

My friend shared this with me and I'm hoping it's true....

"I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they're right, you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together."
— Marilyn Monroe

Back to Square 1

You'd think you would learn your lesson the first time.... Guess not. I guess sometimes no matter what you've been through or how far you've come, when love is involved falling backwards is always a possibility. I guess I feel ashamed for even being in this position. Shouldn't I have remembered? Shouldn't I have been stronger? I guess there's a million shouldn'ts or what if's I could ask myself but they don't change the present or the past. All I can do is pick myself back up and start at it again. This is what life's about though right? Learning lessons... Although even that seems like a stupid excuse for what I've done since I should have learned the first time. Maybe it's time like Crystal said to go back through this blog and find inspiration in myself. I did it once I can do it again right?? My life has become a mess and I've let so many things go and it's all my own fault. Backwards is the one direction I hate going yet I did it... So what exactly do I do now? It would seem the answer is clear to pick things back up and start again... but I'm worn out. I'm exhausted of cleaning up messes. I know it's not like me to say this because I've become so independent, but right now I wish someone else would pick me up and clean it all up for me. Oh well though, that's all wishful thinking. Only I know what to do and I just have to hope my friends are still there beside me getting through it once again.

Is Hiding Easier?

I hate when you have to question if you can trust people you are close to. And I can assure you, I'm not talking about who you probably think I am. It's funny because some of the women in my family have asked me, "How do you get so many friends? How do you know you can trust them?" I've always said that I'm just super social and make friends easily. But as far as trust, I think I'm one of those people who trust too easily. Maybe instead of giving people trust until they break it, I should live by the idea of not trusting until you've earned it. I'm sick of getting hurt by people and maybe it's safer if I just hide out from people so there isn't anyone there to hurt me. I spent a lot of great time with my kids this weekend and it made me realize how blessed I am. How thankful I am for these three amazing little people that I have in my life. When I'm sad my boys are the first to hug me and ask me, "What's wrong mommy? You can talk to me." Although there are times I can't talk to them about what's bothering me, there are plenty of others when I can just say I'm having a hard day and their hugs and kisses make things so much better. I think there are a lot of times lately where I've felt my kids are the only ones I can trust that love me unconditionally because all they see is their "mommy". And in their eyes, I'm perfect. I'm a very social person and hiding isn't my thing, but I feel like right now that's the only way I can protect myself. There are plenty of reasons that I find that I have nothing to worry about, but there's always those few little things that make me think I should. I don't like having to question relationships or how true people are, and maybe that's why some people I know don't let people get close to them at all. Maybe they have the right idea after all. I guess all I can do is look inside right now for the answers I know are there. It's deep in your being that you find the true answers after all...

Enjoying The Now...

I've been so caught up lately in the unknown and uneasiness of things lately that I haven't even taken time to enjoy what IS there in my life. However, after talking to a friend today I realized life isn't about tomorrow, or what may happen, it's about enjoying the now. Anyone can sit and wonder what tomorrow may bring, but tomorrow may bring nothing. There is a lot of questions and uneasiness in my life right now, but if I just sat back and enjoyed it for what it is, I'd probably find pleasure in what is there now. After all, isn't that what is most important? So often we get caught up in the stress and worry of our lives and what the future may hold that we don't enjoy the moment for what it is. Every second you are breathing is a gift. Whether you are going through stressful things or not, it's a gift that you get to keep going and make your life a positive experience. So, for now I will put my questions and fears behind me and enjoy the present. I'll enjoy what is there for what it is and that it is there. Could tomorrow bring something different? Yes. But what is the point in being miserable while you have it just to be miserable once it's gone as well. Life is a roller coaster and I'm up for the ride.
 

Sometimes You Just Leap...

There are times in life when you do things you don't want to do.... have conversations you don't want to have... and enter the lions den because there is no other way. Sometimes, you just have to grab the bull by it's horns and address the things that are pressing you the most. Certainly, not everyone understands why you feel compelled to do things, but what matters is that you do. Your heart sings the only song your mind will ever understand. When it comes down to it, friends and family can advice you, but only what's inside leads you where you need to go. I'm at one of those times now... in multiple ways I guess. I know there are conversations that need to be had. Are they easy? Not even close. Are they necessary? Unfortunately yes. Everyone wants to be heard. Everyone wants to feel like the other person can understand why they are where they are. It's funny how you think a chapter in your life book has closed and something happens to show you it's quite far from over. Right now, I'm at one of those times that I don't understand the "why", but I know one day I will. Am I scared? Yes. Will I have anxiety like crazy? Probably. But it's what I have to do. It's always the scariest and hardest conversations that NEED to be done. And it's a guarantee that you will probably avoid them as long as possible. But at some point you have to just stop and face the problem. The future is obviously uncertain, but it will remain uncertain until you tackle the hurdles standing before you...

Life's Too Precious

In the last couple months a few people I went to school with have passed away at the young age of 25. Some I liked, some I didn't. However, that is beside the point of how quickly your name can be called out and your journey here on Earth is over. I strongly believe no parent should EVER have to bury their child and when I hear of people passing all I want to do is hold my kids just a little bit tighter. I sat back last night and thought about the fact that tomorrow is never promised. Not for me, not for you, not for anybody. I thought about getting frustrated with Kayd about his homework, being annoyed with Brooklynn's wineyness, and wondering if Kyler will ever quit needing something from me "right now!" and all I could think was how devastated I would be to not have any of that anymore. Life is a gift... and the many lives that tangle with your own whether children, family, or friends are gifts God is giving you. Whether it is for wonderful relationships, or lessons learned, they are all gifts. I don't want to ever regret being too tired to play, or too stressed out to listen, I want to always take every moment given to me to be there for my children. No one ever wakes up and thinks today could be it; today could present a turning point in your life you can never turn back from. So hug a litter tighter, kiss a little longer, and love a little deeper because life is a gift you are given, and tomorrow is never promised...

Faith Pays Off part 2

Well I know I've said it before, but I will say it again and again, having faith pays off. I met with my attorney today to sign final papers for the amendment to my paternity papers with sperm donor and I felt so blessed. My attorney showed me my statement and I had gone over my retainer fee considerably and will probably continue to do so. However, she said she isn't going to charge me another penny because I am exactly the kind of person she wants to help. She said me and my son have been through enough and putting a financial strain on me is not her plan. So, here I stand with so much incurred in attorney fees, but not owing a penny for them. When I decided I needed to take him back to court and have our papers changed I was terrified trying to figure out how I would be able to pay for it. I had a credit card to put the retainer on but after that I had no idea what I would do short of cutting back money on groceries to pay what else I would owe. But, I knew it needed to be done and had faith that it would all work out. Sure enough, that faith paid off. I am so blessed to have the people in my life that I do, and continue meeting people who genuinely care for me and my little family.  I suppose this is one of those times when I wonder why me? Why do I get to be blessed with help and good people in my life and other people aren't? The answers to why I will never know. But as I said, all I can say is thank you... I've been well taken care of by my angels I suppose and that's all that matters. Our papers will be signed by a judge in the next couple weeks and worries of him endangering my baby (once he gets out of prison that is) will all be in the past. When you don't know how to go forward, or are scared of how you will possibly be able to do it, remember to look above you and have faith that you will be taken care of. The path is full of hills and boulders, but never forget you are far from walking alone...

First Day of Kindergarten

1st Day of School!!

 

 

Ky not wanting to miss out on the fun :)

Well today was Kayden's first day of Kindergarten. What a bittersweet and emotion filled day for the both of us. While he is excited beyond belief, I sit back looking at this little boy's life. What an incredibly strong and brave little boy he has turned into. I am so excited for him and this adventure he has begun. Obviously it is a bittersweet moment for me seeing my first baby go to Kindergarten. However, I know he is going to do awesome and can't wait to hear all his stories about his first day of school. He was so brave he didn't even want me to stay and hang out until the bell rang (of course I did anyways lol) but as my mom said, I should be proud at what an independent little boy he's grown into and that it shows that he is confident. I guess it makes me feel like no matter all the things he has gone through, I've done something right. Instead of being a scared little boy with low confidence, I've already molded him into a confident young man. Boy am I proud!

Refocus

So ya know those moments where you just sort of get a sense of clarity? Where suddenly shit just starts to click and you know it's time to refocus? Yep, that's where I'm at right now. It all use to be pretty clear to me and pretty laid out of what I HAVE and what I don't and where I'm at and being okay with that. But, thanks to recent events, my view seems to have become distorted. I'm stuck in this sticky situation where I know what I need to do and that it has to be done, but I just can't seem to bring myself to do it. And furthermore, even when I can feel it coming, I get pissed off about it. How much sense does that even make?? Why is it that I know what I need and what is best for me, yet if I think it's coming I get irritated about it? blah blah blah right? I'm probably not making too much sense. The whole point though is that I really need to sit down and refocus on my life and my goals and my happiness. There are things I want and places I want to go in life and the only person holding myself back right now is ME. It really is true that you are your own worst enemy. Life is never easy, and it is absolutely what you make it. You walk a path that only YOU can choose to walk. Blessings, hardships, love, and sadness all make it onto your path eventually but ultimately you are who decides how to deal with them. It's like back when I had my epiphany and I just suddenly knew there was no longer any point in stressing because the only thing I have control over is myself. Well, obviously that remains true. It is up to me to make hard decisions or not. To decide how I go forward. The time is now... No one ever said it would be easy right? Just said that it would be worth it. To that, I agree. Life may not be a cake walk, and things may not always go my way, but in the end when I watch my life pass by in my final moments, I want to KNOW and completely feel that it was the best ride it could have possibly been.

Why Why Why

It's funny that one of the most common words we hear out of children's mouths is "why?". I know that personally, I've said a million times, "Because. Stop asking why to everything." Whys from a child are for simple things like, "Why can't I have that candy? Why is the sky blue? Why can't I eat ice cream for dinner?" etc. etc. Yet as an adult, if you really sit and think about it, we are still quite constantly asking "why??" Except as "grown ups" we ask why to harder questions. Why am I in this hard position? Why did my husband leave? Why can't life just be perfect? It's funny though when you stop and think "why not?" Every obstacle in life is a lesson. Quite often, finding answers to why is much harder than we want it to be. I've decided that rather than asking why, what if I just said thank you instead? Easy??? No. However, if I hadn't been given all these obstacles I wouldn't have learned all the lessons I have and grown in such drastic ways. I read something once that said something like, take notice to why everyone says why me in negative situations but never why with every positive in their life. Made sense once I thought about it. I've never said "Why do I have so many blessings? Why do I have a stable job and a nice roof over my head? Or even why do I have money in my bank account? I think that we spend so much time focusing on why we don't have this or why this isn't fair that we forget all the positive whys in our lives. As I've gone through this rough little patch the last couple weeks it's brought me to the realization that it is up to me to change my frame of mind about my current situation. After all, most of the time your mind is your worst enemy. So, thank you for the struggles I've been given because although they have been difficult, I've also grown tremendously from the finish lines I have crossed. As I walked across my lawn tonight asking why me, I realized why not me? Perhaps God put these struggles in my life because he knew without a doubt that I could handle them. These are my cards, I can either fold or bluff my way through. And I for one.... don't fold.

Sometimes you find it in yourself....

So here I am again... finding myself falling. The worst part is it is all my own fault so the shame I feel is a gigantic weight right now. I think all I can do at this point is be honest because I feel like being at this difficult place in life lets down my readers. I hear so many people say how much my blog has helped them or how much they get out of it. So when I'm struggling or feeling like I'm failing, I actually really feel like I've failed you. My blog has told my story, my struggles, watched me in hard times, and watched me in successful times. So I think in my mind I feel like I shouldn't have times I struggle. My blog shows I'm strong... so why am I not right now? I guess I'm human.... and just like everyone else sometimes I break. Unfortunately, when I break I don't like to talk about it because I'd rather the world see this incredibly strong woman, than one who is struggling. So, today as I sat here holding my tongue on the roof of my mouth so I wouldn't cry (thanks for the tip mom), I realized maybe it is ME who needs to go back and read my blog. If other people get inspiration from it, maybe re-reading the things I've said before will help ME. So, I did just that; I went back and read a few. It's funny how sometimes you are just looking to be inspired, you are just looking for the answer, and you realize you've found it in yourself. It is important for me to stay positive, but it's also important for me to feel my emotions. I can't be scared of sadness or pain, I have to feel it and take it for what it is. I think I've gotten so caught up in being wonder woman and doing it all, that I forget that I am human. I'm not going to be strong all the time, sometimes I am going to hurt and be unsure of everything being okay. But I suppose that is the first step... recognizing that it's okay to be human. So, I apologize if I've let anyone down for being not so positive right now. However, please know that seeing that people all over the world are reading my blog and maybe, just maybe, feeling the same way, or continuing to get something from my writing gives me more reason to keep going than you know. I didn't start this blog thinking anyone would read it. And I definitely didn't think it would spread like fire and I'd have readers everywhere, but I guess it just goes to show, that no matter where you are, pain is real for everyone. Whether you live in Malaysia, or Texas, people's hearts break and people feel pain and anger but if this is the place where you can take inspiration... than I suppose I can find it here too...right inside myself.

That's Life

  The other day I was visiting with my friend and she said to me, "You are really strong and positive but you can't be that way all the time. It is okay to breakdown sometimes and FEEL." I think I have a problem with that. I DO try and be positive and find the good things in everything, but I start to hold myself to this un-human level of it not being okay to break down and get sad sometimes. It seems like every time I do, I feel bad like I need to explain to people that I don't usually do this and I'm sorry that I am. But it was funny today I took a little walk and I realized it's okay that I'm human. It's okay for me to get sad and have to feel my emotions. I don't like being down and I don't like having pity parties. Generally when I do they last about 20 minutes and I snap myself out of it. Look, life certainly has dealt me some blows, but life has dealt plenty of other people blows to. This is life... this is how it works. You have ups and you have downs. Not one single person is exempt from life's lessons. I don't think anyone thinks every lesson in life is fun but it creates your story. I guess I look at it like the life of a flower. A flower grows from a seed. The seed starts to grow and develop into a flower through water. That water isn't always from the nice sprinkling of a shower spray on the hose. It weather many thunderstorms to develop into the beautiful being it becomes. I suppose life works the same way. Your story starts with a life, the life has it's pleasant experiences from a hose on shower setting, but it has it's thunderstorms as well. Nothing is enough to break me. I will weather every storm and I will continue to grow and eventually my story will be a beautiful flower. The sun will always shine... after every storm there is calm.... I will find my calm...

Is that me?

If someone would have come to me January 1, 2010 and said, "Chels, put on your seat belt and hold on  because you are about to go for a bumpy ride." I still don't think I would have ever been prepared for the rollarcoaster I've been on since then. Thank God I have amazing friends and family that give me that lift I need every once in a while to keep going. I hear things like, "I don't know how she does it." "She is a single mom working, doing school, and raising 3 small kids and she's DOING it!" "She inspires me" and I sit back and wonder how they could possibly be talking about me. It seems as though the days I'm struggling the most, I hear these things that remind me, I'm doing it all for a reason. Perhaps I am learning an important lesson in life, or doing soul searching for my own reasons, but to hear other people say they are getting something off my journey, and reading my blog it reminds me all the reasons I can't give up. I heard in a song today "Little miss I give up... Little miss I'll get tough don't you worry about me.." and I couldn't think of words that fit me more perfectly. I can't tell you how many times I've thrown my hands up and said "Ok I can't take anymore. I give up." and then realized a few minutes later, "Oh no I don't... put your big girl panties back on and handle it head on." Anytime you think in life it can't get worse you better remember it can. Perhaps that's the reason I've tried to stay so positive is because I'm scared of worse. I hear these positive words about me and it lifts my spirits and actually inspires me that I'm inspiring others. But at the same time, it's hard to understand how I come off as this amazing person when all I see is a woman surviving. I'm trying... I'm trying really hard. I will never have all the answers and never know at what point things can suddenly careen off the path again, but I do know I've got my seatbelt on. I hope for the best, and I hope that happiness is in store for me, I think it's just hiding in places I'm not looking...  

Where will I sail now??

 If I've learned anything thus far, it's that just when you think you're headed in the right direction, a curve is sure to come your way. Why is that? I won't complain because this is part of life's journey; hurdles are thrown your way to see whether you will jump or fall. I find it funny that as one thing in life seems to settle down, another flares up. Well... the good news is that I'm unbreakable. And I'm not even saying that the current event would break me, but I definitely believe it is testing me. Will I keep heading straight, or fall down that rocky path? I finally get that peace of mind and can sleep at night because sperm donor is back in prison. From what I'm told, he won't even have a possibility at parole for 5 years. Finally, me and my son can continue on our path to healing without him jumping in every so often to cause more damage. But... just as that issue finally got resolved, a new one has presented itself. I'm lucky that I'm an optimistic person and realize challenges are ahead. But I also think I'm so much more involved in the healing process than I've ever been before. I know the direction I was heading, and I know where I'm going currently... Now, I just need to make sure that despite the hurdle presented, I continue doing as I was doing before. I truly believe that good things are coming for me and my family. I absolutely believe that up is the direction we will continue to go. However, now more than ever, my responsibility to myself is being tested.... But, this is my ship and I'm who decides where is sails.....

So... Is this one my fault too??

So, I found out today sperm donor got arrested for yet ANOTHER D.U.I. on Thursday night. (Yet he definitely didn't drive my son home drunk... right.) So anywho, looks like he's going back to prison for a long time and can I just say what a deep breath I was just able to take? Here I've been scared on a regular basis that he may come harm me and finally I can sleep easy again. So, I have to ask sperm donor sr..... is this one my fault too??? It's quite funny actually because he has always been able to find a reason why it's MY fault that sperm donor jr is in jail, or going back to prison. So... whatcha got??? lol I just have to say that yes, I wanted him to go back absolutely. But I also wanted him to go back for a reason that had NOTHING to do with me. Looks like I got what I wanted. It's funny because Karma is a bitch... didn't I introduce her just a few blogs ago? It was such an awesome day today because I also met with my attorney and my papers were being filed today. I'd love to see sperm donor sr have a case now.... ;) I am so glad he got caught and even more glad that this time my son wasn't in the car. At what point does someone learn? When do you pull your head out and wake up and realize what life is about?? I guess it really doesn't matter because he's created this path and continued to follow down it. How grateful I am that I realized a looong time ago that he was not what I wanted or needed in my life. What a sigh of relief knowing he is away for a long time and I can once again have peace of mind...

A Mother's Job Should Be...

Let me tell you what a mother's job should be....
1. To tuck her children into bed at night
2. Spray for monsters
3. Kiss boo boos better
4. Teach her children how to love and that they deserve to be loved.
5. Protect them at all costs necessary.
6. Feed them
7. Cloth them
8. Give them shelter
9. Make them feel special
10. MOST OF ALL... LOVE THEM.

Let me tell you what they shouldn't do. They shouldn't harm them and they especially shouldn't kill them. What a sad day in history today will forever be for that disgusting Casey Anthony getting off for murder of that innocent little girl. She was a little girl born with angel wings and of pure innocence and her evil mother took her life for who knows why. I can't imagine the look of fear in that little girls eyes when her mother hurt her. I am saddened and disgusted that this woman got away with murdering an innocent child. I knew from the beginning there wasn't enough solid evidence, but how sad that this little princess will never get justice for the life she lost at the hands of the person she probably trusted most. Here I am doing everything I can to protect my little boy from a dirt bag father, while this bitch just got off on murder. Well little Caylee, you should know precious angel that everyone in the world is thinking about you and how precious you were. Everyone didn't have to know you to fall in love with you. The world has been hoping for justice for you and I'm sorry that you didn't get that. May you rest in peace little princess and forever fly with angels.... God bless you Caylee Anthony.

Happy 4th of July!

 Happy July!! And even more... Happy 4th of July (in a few days anyways.). This has to be one of my favorite holidays next to Christmas. I love that it is just as much about the freedom we get to celebrate plus the families we get to celebrate it with. I can't express enough how thankful I am to our current soldiers and those from the past who give up their freedom so that me and my children can have ours. I am so grateful that I live in a country that me and my children can express our feelings, stand up for what we believe in, and make our own choices without the fear of being persecuted. This is just one of those happy holidays kind of like New Years that you can start fresh and welcome changes in your life in a big BANG kind of way. This weekend I plan on playing with my kids as much as I can and celebrating the fact that our little family has become so independent. It will be a change to not do a holiday celebration with their dad, but I think it's important for me and my children this time. When I look back at a year ago doing 4th of July fireworks all together, I don't feel like I've come as long of a way as I had hoped. I'm so open to changes though and doing things as just mommy and kids. It is nothing against him, because he is an amazing father, but at some point holidays will need to be celebrated separately and this is as good of time as any to start. I'm excited for the adventures me and my kids will have from now on just the 4 of us. It may no doubt be challenging at times, and cake walk at others, but if there is anything you know of me at this point, I'm all up for challenges! I'm grateful that I have amazing kids, awesome family, and fantastic friends to celebrate my weekend with. May the memory making begin....

Feeling Today: Liberated

Stepping out of the storm...

  It is definitely safe to say that I am most certainly my own worst enemy. I quite often create my own misery, and even more often, destroy my own potential happiness? What has happened in the last few months that has made me put myself back in this position? Perhaps my own soul searching has yet to be finished, or even more, maybe I never started as I thought I had. I tell myself that there is no going forward as long as I'm looking backwards. I will never get different results if I continue doing the same things day after day. I don't particularly care for boring routine day after day. I want excitement, and I want new, and I want different. However, it seems that when I get that, I find reasons as to why I no longer want it. I wonder if from now on I should just quit listening to myself? Perhaps all along I've been taking the wrong advice in listening to the voice inside. Maybe now is the perfect time to tell that voice to shut it, and step outside of my comfort zone. Once in awhile if I just stop and listen I hear the answers loud and clear. But I spend so much time trying to decipher every little aspect of the answer that I miss the whole point entirely. I don't want perfect, but I also don't want something that isn't there to begin with. It gets old going in circles round and round...I want to no longer be in the eye of every storm, but rather on the outskirts just observing. Maybe that's the real answer after all... looking in as if watching a movie, rather than being the star.... Perhaps that's when clarity comes, when you become the observer instead of the observed.

Feeling Tonight: Frustrated

Pure Smiles

   Waking up my children this morning all I could think of is how lucky I am that I have these sweet little angels. They make me so incredibly happy and I can't imagine happiness without being a mommy. Before you have kids you don't realize the amount of love and joy that they can bring you. And once you have them, you can't understand how you were ever happy before them. My little princess with her messy morning hair who comes stomping out every morning just fills me with joy. To her giant (tiny :) ) bear hugs she gives me, to the funny stories she tries to tell me. There may be days that I feel she is the devil in jelly shoes, but I still adore her so so much. My boys who love taking care of "their girls" constantly keep me smiling. Kyler with his funny witty sayings, and Kayden with his "man of the house" attitude give me something that no one else possibly could. I watch them grow, and am filled with pride with the things they accomplish. Although it is scary to think they are going to grow up, I get so excited to know I get to watch every minute of it. There are struggles, and days when it seems that 1 person just isn't enough, but we do it. I have the perfect little family and couldn't ask for anything more. Now that I have evicted the negativity out of my life, my smile is back and the fun happy dynamic in my house is once again flowing. It's funny how once you eliminate the things pulling you down, you quickly find yourself climbing to the top. I can't tell you how many times I hear that I look too young to be a mommy, let alone a mommy of 3. But for some reason, someone planned my journey exactly how it has happened. Clearly a higher being knew I'd be the perfect one to parent these sweet kids. How thankful I am that they let me. There are things I want to accomplish, and places I want to go, but right now, right here with my babies, is the PERFECT place to be. I truly love my life....

Feeling Today: So so blessed. <3

Meet Karma... She's a real bitch.

 Well this morning was the start of what could potentially be a definitely long process. However, if there is 1 thing I've learned through the past year of my life, it's patience. And at this point, for this task, I have all the patience in the world. I made the decision to not wait for dumb and dumber to leap. I did it instead. Meeting with my attorney this morning I gained so much hope for what the future could mean for my son. All I've wanted for the past 5 and a half years of his life was for his S.D. to step up and decide to be a dad. Quite clearly, I never got that and neither did my son. I made the decision to stop being manipulated and decided to go for the jugular this morning. It's funny that even after all the crap, I still have that little part of me that feels a little bit bad for him. However, the bitch in me quickly shuts that up and reminds me none of this has been  mine or Kayden's fault and we haven't deserved any of it. Not only did my meeting with my attorney go amazing, but I spoke with Kayden's counselor and she talked to CPS today. From what she said, great things are going to happen for my little Kayd man. I think the thing Sperm Donor Sr. needs to learn about life is not only do you have to hold yourself accountable for your actions, but you have to teach your children to do the same. I have always taught my children that when you make a bad decision, you pay the consequences. I don't want to hear all the reasons you did it or why it's everyone else's fault. I want to hear you take responsibility for your actions and do your time. Children are absolutely a product of their environment. Unfortunately, sperm donor jr is the perfect example of that. Well, meet my friend Karma... she's a real bitch. Shitty for you, she's movin in.

Feeling Today: Hopeful

Those Are Uzis Bitch

 After further harassment and bullshit from the family who shall not be named in my blog, they've decided to take me back to court for withholding visitation. Yes, this after they said how excited they were to sign over their rights. I've been told that I will be held in contempt of court, papers being filed Tuesday, for not allowing sperm-donor to see his "kid" (their exact choice of words, absent of emotion much??) So anyways, I woke up this morning nervous and scared about doing the court process again. I'm not sure why since I have so much going for me to get him less rights than he already has, but the what ifs overwhelmed me. Luckily, I woke the hell up and decided it's time to play. And Chelsea doesn't feel like playing nice. Sperm-donor Sr. may have money, and may have tough words.... But douchetard, I've got LOTS of evidence. You pulled out your attorney guns, but bitch I've got uzis!! I'm DONE feeling nervous and scared about this. Sure, it might financially drain me, but everything we need will be on paper and they will have NOTHING to go off of anymore. I think they didn't take me serious when I said momma bear was out and ready to play. Perhaps he even thought just threatening me with court would convince me to give into their harassment. Well news flash.... I WASN'T JOKING AROUND! The thing I find the funniest is that this is all Sperm-Donor Sr. doing all this. Saying that "they" will sign over their rights and that "they" are taking me back to court. In case you didn't know you ass wipe waste of space... YOU HAVE NO FUCKIN RIGHTS! He ISN'T your kid!!! Get it yet??? Perhaps, if it has to be sperm-donor sr. pushing to go back to court instead of sperm-donor jr that should say something.... Well, go ahead and waste you money. Let's play.... we'll see who comes out on top.

Feeling Today: Bitchy ;)

Going M.I.A.

  I'll just be honest, I've been struggling for a bit. The last few weeks I feel like I've been hit with the shit storm truck. If it isn't one thing stressing me out it's another. I've learned that a lot of the people you think you can trust, you actually can't. The part that irritates me the most is that I'm a mom and my number one focus in life is my children. I can't be held back and involved in people's drama anymore. I have enough things to worry about in my own life, to have to worry about what people are saying. For this reason, I've just decided to go m.i.a. for a bit and lay low. I think staying home even when I don't have my kids is best for now. I just can't keep getting caught up in useless drama every time I turn a corner.These 3 children need me and a POSITIVE me at all times. I don't think I've been able to give them a positive me for a few weeks and that isn't okay. It's time to buckle back down and spend time with the people who matter. Every person that comes into your life comes in for a reason. Whether it's for a day, a season, or a lifetime they all serve a purpose. Every relationship you experience throughout life is unique in itself and there is something you will get out of it. But there also comes times when a door needs to be shut and you continue on in your own journey. It isn't easy... no one claims it is... but sometimes it just has to be done. It is what it is.... Enjoy the pictures I've posted below of the people who matter most and keep me smiling.

Feeling Today: Hopeful