Forgiveness

  Well... it's been a while hasn't it? Feels strange to be back blogging. Sort of like someone that runs away and then comes back and isn't sure where to start explaining. Odd to feel that way I know, but I guess you can't ever really explain every feeling you have. Anywho, Kayd has been back in counseling with an awesome counselor name D. He's an old guy that is so wise and knows just how to get you talking. It's been a long time since I've really opened up about all my feelings and anger and hurt regarding Andy. But somehow, D gets me talking about it in our 1 on 1 time every week before he talks to Kayden. He says to me, "Chelsea you're really angry still towards Andy." And I've said, "How can I not be? How do you stop being angry at the person that has hurt your child so much?" And he said, "It's hard.. but you have to try and forgive him or you will live with this anger forever." I told him, "I forgave him for every crap thing he ever did to me. It's no longer relevant in my life and it doesn't cross my mind anymore. But how do you ever forgive someone for hurting your child?" And he said something that struck me, "Chelsea you have realize he hasn't ever hurt Kayden on purpose. His addiction took over his life and, in turn, froze his ability to make loving and good choices." So, the last week I've been thinking about that. Can I forgive him? And the more I thought about it the more I realized I HAVE to forgive him. I have had so much hate and anger in my heart towards this person. His name makes my spine tingle, and thinking and talking about what he has done to Kayden gets me so worked up. The only way I can ever move forward from that and no longer give him a second thought is to simply forgive him. D was right... Andy has never hurt Kayden on purpose. He has never woke up and said, "Today I'm gonna damage my kid." But he has yet to find the strength and will power to move forward and let go of his addiction. So today, I say, Andy... I forgive you. I forgive you for doing the things you've done that have so greatly impacted my son. I realize that if you were not an addict and you were of right mind, you wouldn't hurt him. I know you love him to the best of your abilities and I pray one day you find the strength to overcome the addiction ruining your life so that you can fully experience real love. Does that mean I will trust him? No. Does that mean I will say, "Here, take Kayden and hopefully drive sober." No. My guard will forever be up and my first job will ALWAYS be to protect my son. But I forgive him. And the more I got thinking about it and how his whole family makes me so upset, I need to forgive them too. In all reality, we have so much more in common than they realize. Both of our purposes is to love and protect our child. For them, enabling Andy and thinking I'm the bad guy is what a parent's love sometimes does. I forgive them for the things they've said and done to me. Because I can relate... all I want is what's best for my son as well. Forgiving, and especially for such a life impacting thing, is not easy. And it will take time for me to fully stop thinking about the hurt. But this is my first step towards that goal. I can't have a full life of love and happiness if my heart is filled with any anger at all. Sometimes, the hardest thing to do in life is to let go, but always... it's the most powerful.

Life

Wow... it's been a minute since I wrote hasn't it?? Life is going good. I'm back in school for my Bachelor's in Business Management and I've already completed 3 classes in 2 months. Nothing drives me more than looking at my kids everyday and knowing I want to give them MORE. I want to teach them determination and make sure they know nothing is dropped into your lap. In our family, you earn what you have.
Kayden finished Kindergarten and it's crazy to think how quickly that year went by. Now he's getting ready for first grade and my little Kyler will be starting Kindergarten. When did my babies grow up?? It doesn't seem like that long ago I was juggling changing both of their diapers at the same time. Kyler is beyond excited to start school and I'm excited for him. I think it will be a good change for him than being at daycare all day long.
Brooklynn is growing up so big. I was looking at her old pictures on Friday and wondered when the hell my little baby girl turned into a 2 year old diva. Now she's all big, mouthy, and high maintenance. Sounds just like her mother doesn't she :) It's fun watching her grow up and I love how girlie she is. Watching her play tea party with her babies brings a huge smile to my face everytime.
Lar and I... well we are doing great. It's an adjustment though. It took me awhile to figure out how to be independent and find comfort in just myself. And once I did, I really enjoyed the alone time I got. Now, I don't get that alone time anymore and it has been difficult to adjust to. That doesn't mean I regret us being back together because I absolutely don't, it's just an adjustment finding time for ME again. I love him and I love the time we get together and am so thankful that things worked out how they did. I learned such valuable lessons in my time alone that I would never trade for anything and think our relationship's strength relies on some of the lessons I learned. I think there is just a balance we have to find in our own lives and our life together.
Overall I'm completely happy. I am not someone that gives up, or sits down waiting for things to fall into my lap. When I want something, I go get it. Right now I have everything in my life that I need and I'm more than satisfied with that.

TRUE Family

Can I just say how truly and utterly thankful I am to have Larry? Here is this amazing man who since my little Kayden was just 9 months old, took on the role of daddy to him. Had he not come into our lives, who knows what kind of father influence he would have ever had. Never has Larry complained about raising a son that isn't biologically his, or not been willing to help with expenses for a son he didn't have to. It's amazing to me that he is, and always has been, so willing to teach Kayd what life is about. He's been there to kiss booboos better, chase away the monsters, and clean up the puke. He's been there to comfort Kayden when he's been scared and hold him when he's down. He's never looked at him as anything other than his own. And not only that, but he has this amazing family that has loved Kayden since day 1 just as much as they love the rest of the kids. He's never been treated differently, and they've always been just as concerned and worried about him when he's struggling. They've never missed a soccer game or birthday, or done anything to make him feel any less than amazing. I suppose in the big scheme of things, although he doesn't have the donor around or his family, he's been more than blessed to be taken into a family that loves him just as much. Kayden knows nothing other than Larry and his amazing family. It doesn't take away the pain for my little guy when he's struggling with his feelings towards Andy. But I know when he's older and can understand better, he'll see God had a better plan and a better family in mind for him. I had him with Andy because that was God's plan. But with that, he had a bigger picture and better plan lined up. My little man is really struggling lately and that kills me. I want to fix him and heal the broken he feels inside and I know that I can't. But how grateful I am that we have the support of people that have never owed that to us. To have the love and dedication of a family he wasn't born into. I know when Kayd looks back when he's older, he'll feel the same way and be nothing but grateful with how his journey actually turned out. And to me, it means more than you could possibly know that a man & family accepted and loved us both no matter what the circumstances were.

Losing It...

Ya know how sometimes you just lose it?? Yep, this is one of my times. I just got done laughing so hard I was crying and nearly pee'd my pants. And can you guess why? Because of how many people are trying to take my money. Awesomely funny right? Yeah not really. I FINALLY got that crazy woman out of my house last night and how completely ridiculous of me to possibly think that was the end of it. Oh no. Not only did she change the locks on MY house, she went and filed a $7500 lien on my property. Apparently you need zero proof of anything to file a lien on someone's property. You can just go straight down to the court house and do it. So, if someone's really pissed you off lately, no worries, just go lien their shit. On top of that, the attorney who didn't do ANYTHING at all regarding the sale of my house decided to file a $17,000 lien on my property for his work in the sale. Lol... awesome right? He did so much of nothing that we lost our negotiator and have to start at square 1. I keep thinking the end is in site of this cursed house but I keep being proven wrong. I literally am bone dry exhausted emotionally and mentally of dealing with this house. I can't figure out why the universe won't just clear this mess up and close this chapter. Everyone has problems, to that I am very well aware of, but in the last 2 years, I'm pretty sure I've visited hell and back.... TWICE! I just want some relief from this mess and people who planned to scam me, and succeeded. I never thought I'd be the victim of a real estate scam, but it turns out, that's exactly what I was. I never wronged anyone, or stole from anyone, my biggest fault was trusting someone. How funny that a little word like trust has impacted my life in so many ways because I gave it away so easily. I need prayers and happy thoughts because I'm ready to throw my hands up. And some point, there has to be an end right??

5 years...

Kyler,
  5 years has gone by now since I gave birth to you. You were a stinker too. You just were never ready to come out and see me. Then when they finally decided to induce me, the day before I had you, I was actually schedule for induction but they said they were too full and wouldn't let me come that day. You would think after waiting 9 months, I could handle waiting just one more day. But just one more day was too long for me to wait to meet my sweet baby boy. Before I had you I never knew if I'd be able to love another child as much as I loved Kayden. But as soon as I heard your cries, and had you in my arms, I knew how it was possible. I realized a mothers love is endless and just seeing your sweet face made it all okay. Since that first day, I've loved you more and more as I've watched you grow. You amaze me with how smart you are and fill me with joy with how funny you can be. It means more to me than you will know, how often you say,"Mom... I love you." Watching you go from the baby brother, to the big brother, has shown me as well, the capacity of love you have inside you as well. You play with her when you don't want to, you get bossed around when I know your ready to kill her, and you make her feel better when she's crying over everything. You my little man, are amazing. I am excited to watch you continue to grow and take on the world as I know you will. You are so unbelievable smart, and I know one day you are going to do something amazing. Kyler, my sweet boy, I love you. Never ever forget that you are 1 of 3 reasons that I never gave up. Thank you for being you. Happy birthday sweet boy. ~ Love Mommy

True Happiness

 There is no other way to spin this than say it simply... I am truly so happy. I'm on cloud 9 with where my life is at and I really can't remember the last time I was this happy. I just feel like my life has finally started to fall into place. I am FINALLY graduated!!! That's right, I may not have a master's degree, or even a bachelor's degree, but I finally have the Associates of Psychology degree that I have worked SO hard at. I am so proud of the fact that I made a goal and I accomplished it. Then, there is of course the fact that my family is back together. I never thought this day would actually come. I dreamt about it, but I didn't think I'd ever see it. And now, not only am I seeing it, but I'm living it. Even early on in our relationship 6 years ago I don't think I was as happy as I am today. Time is a funny thing. It super sucks when you want it to hurry up and handle what it needs to handle. But it's super amazing because it's always there when you need it to think, to heal, and to grow. And after this 2 years of nothing but time, it has made us truly grateful for what we took so much for granted before. I think we are both in a place where we are no longer taking advantage and it is making this so much better. It's amazing to be able to look at that other person and just be in awe that you are so blessed to have them. My kids are happy, I am happy, and he is happy. I'm at a point in my life where there are so many things I say thank you for that I can't even keep up. God is truly amazing and truly gives you what you need when HE knows you're ready for it. I wouldn't change a single thing that has happened. It gave us both time to grow and heal and realize that what we wanted was what we had all along. When you give up all the negativity and decide truly in your heart that you will only allow positivity into your life, you'll be amazed at what comes your way. So blessed, so happy, and oh so grateful...

Power of Positivity

 Ok so we are officially 1 month and 15 days into the year... and I feel AMAZING. I wrote just a couple blogs ago that this was MY year to sparkle! And damn it, I'm sparkling. Put on your glasses people because I'll be blinding people this year ;) It is amazing how much the power of positivity can change your life. I decided this was my year. I decided I was no longer sweating the small stuff and I was gonna just be going with the flow. And in just 46 days, it has greatly paid off. This week, I won our court battle with evicting the tenant from hell from our home, I get a surgery I've waited a long time for, and I got my family back together. What? you say! My ex-husband and I got back together and decided to move forward together, as a family, working through everything. Now, if you've been reading since the beginning you may ask why the hell would I do that. But the fact of the matter is, you can't judge my choices without knowing my reasons. Throughout the last 2 years we haven't honestly been apart and I think we both realized that we can't live without each other. We've tried, but we always end back up around each other. So, he took the final step of asking for a second chance at fixing things. Sometimes you just need time to figure things out, space to grow, and wounds to heal to realize what you had was what you wanted all along. Do I have fears? Of course. But as a good friend told me, there are no guarantees in life. Whether it be him, a different him, my job, even my life period, nothing is ever guaranteed to me.  All that I can do is continue to be grateful for THIS day and live it for what it is. I don't think I could be happier in life than I am right now. And that is truly perfect. Because if you wait for a day when you will be happier, you will only be miserable. I will continue to be positive, not sweat the petty shit, and keep sparkling on. For it is MYSELF that determines my happiness and the direction I go. Sometimes... you just leap.

Sparkling...

I have seriously been working on not sweating the small stuff since my post a little bit back. Consciously thinking if this will matter in a year; even 3 months. And can I tell you the difference I feel? There are definitely still stresses in my life and things I'm ready to see a resolution to, but knowing that there IS an end in site and in just a couple months it will all be a memory has significantly helped me to let things go. I wrote in January that I wanted this year to be different. I want this year to be MY year to sparkle. And here I am at February 10, sparkling. I have THE most amazing family and friends a girl could ask for. The support I get from them all warms my heart on a regular basis. I continuously get uplifting compliments about how amazing I am to people and how much I inspire some people to want more and I feel awesome about it. Next week I am finally having my surgery that I've wanted for 7 years and I am beyond excited. It was a hard decision to put that much money towards something for ME and not my whole family, but I figured at this point in my journey I deserve it. And the best, most exciting part of life right now is I graduate in 2 weeks. I decided to go back to school a year and a half ago terrified out of my mind. Would I be able to do it and be a single mom at the same time? Would I give up before I was done because it was too exhausting? But I didn't. I kept going through every stupid assignment and exhausting final, I kept going. Through the help and support of my friends and family with my kids, I am finally done. In just 2 weeks I'll have that expensive piece of paper I wanted so badly to prove to myself I could get. I do want to go back and do more but I think for now I'll just wait until life settles down a little bit. Enjoy my kids and watch them grow and go back when I have a little more time. I proved to myself what I wanted to prove and that was that I COULD achieve something I wanted without giving up. Here we are just a month into the year and look at all the things going positively in my life! When you decide to look at life differently and enjoy every moment for what it is, you start to reap the benefits. As my friend Crystal told me, I am not just shining this year... I'm gonna sparkle...

To my boys...

To Kayden & Kyler,
   There are days that I wonder why in the heck you have so much energy and why you can't just sit down and chill out and refrain from wrestling for 5 minutes. There are times when I think how weird little boys are and how much different you are from little girls. As prissy as I am, it's obviously hard for me to relate to bugs, dirt, skateboards, and dead rats. And there are definitely times I wonder why you smell so funny sometimes and not like flowers all the time like girls. But as I sit back and I reflect on all these things I don't understand, or sometimes lose patience with, I realize one day I won't have it anymore. One day I'll wonder where my boys are that use to be bounding through the house while you are out with your friends on a Saturday night. I'll wish I had mud to clean off my floors from your shoes when instead you are out on dates with your girlfriends. One day, you won't be home with me anymore but rather in your own homes with your own families. You two little boys bring so much joy (and dirt) to me and you'll never be able to fathom to the extent that I love you. Although some days I just wish you could do more for yourselves, I know that the day that you can and you need me just a little less, I'll wish you still needed me for everything. I don't understand why farting is so funny, or why you need to pee together so you can sword fight your pee streams, but I do understand that although I don't get the whole "boy" thing, I do love you more than you'll ever know. You two are my little men and I hope that I am raising you so that even when you are grown and old, momma will still have a special place in your heart. I have dreams and hopes for your futures that you experience nothing but success and happiness. I hope you reach every star you aim for and that you remember the light is on back home if you ever need me. So, for all the dirt, creepy dead rats, farts, and pee sword fights that I will surely miss one day, I will try and be just a little more patient with you as you are little boys. I love you so much and hope one day you'll read this and look back and think your mom did a good job. So continue to be little boys for now and drive me crazy, because one day I'll wish you were still here to do it. Love you Kayd and Ky... my little "prince charmings" always and forever. Love Mom

#1: Stress Less

So I have decided that it's a new year and it's time to set some goals. There are lots of things I want to accomplish this year and loose ends I want to tie up. At the end of 2011 I posted a blog about feeling like I hadn't come very far but that I knew there were things I had to do on my own to move forward. So, my first goal I'm working on is stressing less. Such a common thing people want right? Everyone I know has stress and wishes it would all just go away. The last couple months that is EXACTLY what I've been saying. When will this all just go away.... but it won't. Things don't magically disappear and rarely do things fix themselves. However, I ran across this picture and it really got me thinking....

I sat and I looked at this picture and a light went off in my head. Probably 90% of the stuff that stresses me out and makes me go crazy will not matter in a year from now. Will my stresses annoy me for a few months? Probably. Will they make me want to pull my hair out? Yes. But, I am the only person who can decide how much time and worry I put into them. The time I'm spending worrying about crap and bullshit is not only taking away from me being present when I'm with my kids, but it's making me crabby so when I'm with them I lose patience quickly. That isn't fair to me or to my kids. My children are only young for a short time. They grow so unbelievably quickly and the time just flies by and before I know it they will be grown. I don't want to miss it or feel like I was crabby the whole time. I want to be fully present in my children's lives every moment that I am spending with them. So often I say how can I be a better mom? And I think this is definitely step 1. What I don't have control of will happen whether I worry about it or not. My worry and stress will not change the outcome of a situation. So from here going forward, I will ask myself that question, will this matter a year from now?? The fact is I am a single mom and it is just me and my kids 90% of the time. If I'm not fully present when we are together then how will they ever feel fulfilled? I want my kids to grow up and say, "Wow... my mom was amazing. She really did a great job despite the hurdles presented to her." So, to all the worries filling my mind and taking away from my family, I big thee well, but you are here by evicted from my head. Au revoir!

Happy Birthday Brooklynn

Brooklynn,

Wow, I can't even believe that 2 years has already gone by since you're arrival. It's definitely been a hectic two years, but how much better and easier it has been on me because you were here in my life. I watch you grow and learn and develop into your own little person and it brings a smile to my face everyday. Seeing you become independent and be a little "general" is a joy you will never know until you are a mother yourself. The excitement you show when I pick you up from school as you happily exclaim that I'm "your momma" warms my heart. I can watch you sleep, and seeing you cozied up in your princess jammies with your blanket, I'm amazed that God chose me to be your mommy. I can tell by your independent take charge personality that you are just like your momma and are bound to grow up into a strong woman. I wish for you my angel, years and years of happiness and that you may accomplish every dream you have. I will always support and love you, but give you enough room to make the mistakes you are bound to make. It is only through those mistakes that you will learn important lessons. I want to always be your best friend and share many memories together while at the same time being your mom when hard decisions need to be made. Princess, I love you more than you will ever fathom and am so grateful to have you in our family. I never knew life could feel as complete as it does until you entered our family. Your brothers and sister adore you so much and you have so many great role models in your life to watch as you grow. I want you to always know that no matter the ups and downs you will have through out your life, and maybe the times you hate me, I will always love you. I will hold your hand when you need me to, and watch from a distance when you don't. Thank you for being my little girl and loving me. When I see you do things to imitate me with your babies or brothers, I know that finally, I am someone's hero. I love you princess. Happy Birthday.