Off...

     Ya know those days where you're just off? You aren't exactly sad or grouchy, just off.... That's where I am today. Last week was one crappy day after the last. I can't tell if I'm stressed out or just worn out from previous stress. Andy has continued to cause bullshit in my life and he's only been out a month. I've ignored him for the last month trying not to get into it with him, however, Saturday I had had enough. I stuck up for myself and it felt great. Do I plan on getting into it with him on a regular basis? No. I will continue to ignore his bullshit. But sometimes you reach a point where you get sick of hearing how every problem someone has somehow is your fault. As much as I try to not let him stress me out, it's incredibly hard not to. 13 years left and counting... But even that drama isn't what is getting me today. I don't actually know what is... I just know I'm off and I don't feel right. Maybe I'm still searching for answers that will never be found. I guess the person who knows the answers knows the plan and that is all that matters. I think I just feel like that isn't good enough for me. But that isn't up to me and I need to accept that. I'm trying really hard to remind myself God has a plan for me and my team and that it must be better than what we had because why else would he switch it up? But sometimes it's hard to believe that. I'm at this point where he is definitely not the person I want to be with. I don't want to be back with him, and things will never be fixed. But I am still struggling with the fact that my kids live in a broken home. We are not one big happy family like we used to be. That is where I struggle. I don't want to be with him at this point, but I do wish none of it had ever happened and life would have continued on blissfully. I need to feel something. I need to feel inspired and hopeful. I guess today just isn't the day I'm going to feel these things. Tomorrow will be a better day... Hell, maybe something will happen this afternoon that puts a smile on my face...

On My Way!!

Wow, my first block of classes is wrapping up! Next week will be my last week before I start new classes. I am so glad I made this decision to finish up my degree. And surprisingly, it hasn’t been nearly as hard as I thought it might be. That’s definitely thanks to the help of my parents, Jenna, Alaina and Larry though! They have all been so willing to take the kids so I can write a paper or get studying done and it has meant so much to me. It’s always a great feeling knowing you have people behind you rooting you on to the finish line! It also feels so amazing to know that I am bettering my team’s future. It might take a few years, but it will be so worth it. I know that my children are going to be so proud of me when they are older and realize the extent of what I did for us. < It just feels so great to know I’m not just sitting around waiting for something great to come my way. I’m paving my own way to greatness. I’m a strong, independent woman and that feels so amazing to say. I know that no matter what I want in life, I will get it, because I will go for it! Thanks everyone who has been helping me out and rooting me on! Your powerful words of encouragement and how you believe in me goes a long long ways! 

Forgiveness...

Hate is an extremely powerful emotion. It takes over your mind and body and leaves you consumed with anger. Never have I hated anyone in my life. Except the last couple years... It has eaten at me and eaten at me. My thoughts have been regularly consumed with how much I dislike this person. But I realized the only way to free myself from this torture is to forgive them. Not an easy task to just let go of anger and pain that has filled me. So... I reached out and emailed this person. I just broke the ice and a conversation ensued. Not a single negative thing was said and it just felt good. Positive things were said and I feel such a sense of relief. I'm not saying I want to be their best friend or that I will ever trust them. But I feel better... I feel so much more at ease knowing that this hate isn't consuming my body anymore. Hate is a strong strong emotion...but forgiveness is just as strong of an action. When you come to realize that the only person you are troubling is yourself when you have hate and anger, it's easier to let it go. But how much better it feels once it's gone....

What a journey...

 So I was thinking today about my life a year ago... well almost a year ago. And it made me sad to think of how truly sad I was. As the memories passed through my mind, it was almost like watching the movie of my best friend and hurting so much because of how she hurt. Realizing that Brooklynn is 1 years old I can see that the last year flew by. But at the same time, it seems like it is an eternity because of this journey I had to take. I think back to how I felt then and how often I just felt like a body walking around without a soul. His words took the smile from my face, and the life from my body. I functioned for the sole purpose of being a mother. Other than that, I was nothing... To know that, and to remember how real that pain was really makes me tear up. Not because I'm sad NOW, but because of how much it hurt then. I don't even remember how many days I cried before I finally hit one that I didn't. Or how many nights I slept with all the lights on and the t.v. blaring because I was terrified of the silence. I am so glad I left that house and got an apartment. That was the best decision I made. Escaping that house of pain was honestly my first step towards healing. As I think back to the beginning, the journey I've taken seems like a lifetime. All the little things I had to do to keep smiling and continue functioning are what saved my life. It is truly crazy how much life can change in just a heartbeat. I know I've said that a million times in this blog but it is true. These wounds have finally started to close up and become scars, but they are still there. I do great and I feel great. But there continue to be days once in awhile that I just don't understand it. It's weird that I do look back at it as if it is someone else's life. I know that sounds crazy, but I'm just in such a different place now that it is strange to think that was all my reality. I went from nights of planning out my suicide and who would take my kids, to so strong that I swear if I got hit by a bus tomorrow me and God would be throwing down!! My kids are what kept me going so much. A few people told me that in the beginning. That my kids would be what kept me going. And they were; they were my purpose. I am so thankful that God made me the mommy of 3 that I am at the age that I am. These precious angels, I truly believe, were sent here to carry me through the roughest time in my life. As I went through this period, all I heard people say is how strong I was. But at the time I couldn't see it. I just saw a weak woman trying to survive. Looking back now, I see that I truly was incredibly strong. Like I said, the scars are still there and they sometimes have sharp pains, but I am so grateful that that first year is over and I had overcome the hurdle that I really thought would bring me down...

So glad...

     So can I just say how GLAD I am that I have grown as a woman and my mind frame isn't where it used to be. Andy has been out for less than a month! Seriously not even 30 flippin days and he already is trying to eff with my mind and get in my head. I guess he didn't take me too seriously when I told him I'm not the same woman now, as I was when he went in. Perhaps he doesn't realize how much I really don't give a crap about him. He told me today that I'm pathetic and have nothing going for me. LMFAO all I could do was laugh and laugh and laugh. This... coming from a con??? bwahhahahaha Someone who just gone done being bubba's bitch?? LMFAO!!! Whatever you say tough guy. The thing is, a year ago all his harsh insults hurt me and really got to me. I would look in the mirror and think, "Is he right?" Now all I can do is laugh. It truly shows me how far I've come. On a weekly basis AT LEAST, he tries to hurt me by hurling insults at me all because I won't give him the time of day. I'm sorry you don't like being rejected constantly, but take the effin hint AND QUIT ASKING!! I'M NEVER GOING TO SAY YES! He says, "You'll see how much I've changed!" Ya I can see exactly how idle you've stayed. Looking at his life, and how pathetic he is, just proves to me how awesome I am. I don't sit and bitch and moan about everything that's gone wrong in my life. I take the bull by the horns and MAKE MY OWN FUTURE. I am the captain of this f*cking ship! I can't stand people who put themselves in their situation, and do nothing but complain about how shitty their life is. THEN DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT! But let me tell you.... this idiot OBVIOUSLY doesn't realize who he is talking to anymore. LOL and all that does is make me laugh.....

One of those nights I guess...

So last night I had one of those nights.. The kind that I was just crying frustrated. Of all days right? The day that I write that blog about my cup being half full. I definitely wasn’t thinking that last night! I had let Lar come over to see the kids, and after he left I just broke down. And the funny thing is it really has nothing to do with him. I can’t ever see myself with him again, and I’ve reached a point in fact that sometimes when I see him it’s weird to think we used to be married. I just broke down out of frustration that my family is now broken. I realize that statistically we are “normal”.. but that statistic does NOTHING to make me feel better. The boys have been asking about things a lot more lately too which I think added to my break down. They will ask if he’s coming over that night or why we can’t all live together anymore. The other night Kayden even started crying as he fell asleep because he missed his daddy. It is crushing to me to see my children hurt. Then I was also upset last night because there are still times I just get pissed about being put in this situation of being a single mother. Stuck in a situation where me and my kids are crammed into a tiny apartment. Trust me, I have accepted the fact that this is what it is.. this is my life. But there are still times I get angry about it. And I think I’m allowed that. Luckily, I woke up this morning with dry eyes and realized the sun was coming out again.. 

The Glass Half Full

Everyone in life has struggles; each person has been dealt hardships of their own. I for one have been dealt quiet a hand the last year. However, I continue to wake up every day and view the glass as half full rather than half empty. I think of myself as a pretty positive person who tries to smile everyday. Trust me, I’m not saying I haven’t gotten angry or even given God a piece of my mind. I have told him before we have beef! However, in every hardship I have, I’ve looked for the positive in the situation. Of course losing my husband is hardly a positive thing, however, I learned I was a strong independent woman that I doubted I could be previously. As hard as it is to go to school being a single mom, I’ve looked at it like I will be able to show my children, if I can do it, you can do it. I know that if I surround myself with positive energy, positive things will come to me. If I surround myself with negative energy, life is surely going to suck. I have never been left alone, or left to deal with my divorce on my own. And I could have. NO MATTER WHAT, else God has in store for me, or the other hurdles I will jump, I will always know there is a reason. I will learn a lesson and continue to stay as positive as I possibly can. Remember, the glass is either half full or half empty….. but how you choose to view it will ultimately impact your life. Love and healing thoughts to everyone I know who may be struggling. 

Happy New Year!!

     Wow, it's been way too long since I've blogged. Happy New Year!! Wow, how relieved am I to know 2010 is long gone and 2011 is full of fresh starts for me. I had a fabulous New Years Eve surrounded by great friends, old and new. I am so incredibly thankful for all the friends I have who have become my family! It has been sooooooooo great having so much love and support from those around me. But this year, I'm going to do things on my own. I hope no one takes that the wrong way, but it's just part of something I think is really important for me right now. For the last year, every time I've gotten sad or angry I've called someone to help get me through it. And more often than I should have, it was someone I shouldn't have called. I continued to avoid my feelings and just living my emotions for an entire year. But it is finally time I get real and just live it. Obviously, everyone has helped me sooo much to get stronger and develop into the strong woman I've become. This is just the next step to get me to where I want to be. It's time that I truly feel my emotions and live them rather than push them aside and ignore them. With as strong as I've become, I'm really confident that I can do this and move on without looking back. I now need to become my own best friend in life. There is so much I've learned about myself, but so much still left to know. With as many awesome friends as I have I must be a pretty bad ass person. It's time I learn every awesome quality I have and love who I am. I no longer want to say " No I'm not." when I'm complimented. I want to learn to simply say " Thank you." I want to write down everything I want in another person and strengthen every quality on that list I don't have. True happiness lies within.... and it's time I genuinely find that.

On another note, Brooklynn turned 1 on January 5th. How insanely crazy it is that an entire year has passed since I gave birth to my beautiful little girl. With as tumultuous of a first year she lived, she is an incredibly sweet, calm, and loving little girl. For that, I will take full credit. Without a mother handling hell as well as she did, she would not be the same little girl as she is. Brooklynn ~ I love you more than words can EVER express. You are the little princess I waited so long for and the relationship and bond that we share means everything to me. I want to always be your best friend and support you for whoever you grow up to become. I am so proud of the lovely little girl you are and look forward to many more blessed years with you. I love you princess. ~ Mommy