Angels Must Be Watching...

    I am convinced now, more than ever, that angels are absolutely watching my family. When Andy drove Kayden home drunk all I could think of was how blessed and lucky I am that he made it home safely. Then, last weekend some kid going 90 mph crashed through my back fence into my yard. Luckily, there was a tree that stopped him from rolling into my house. Instead of staying home that evening, I decided to take my kids to dinner. How glad I am that I made that choice because my kids are outside 99% of the time and could have been hit by that car. There has to be angels watching my family and protecting my children. I can't imagine life without any of them and am so blessed that everyone is ok. It just goes to show life isn't guaranteed to any of us and can be taken away at the drop of a pin. I don't want to take my life for granted ever again or the time I get to spend with my children. Things happen so quickly and other people's bad judgement can affect your life forever. Kayden, Kyler, and Brooklynn are my entire world. Without even one of them I would never feel complete again. All I can do is say thank you to the amazing angels watching out for my family. I'm sure I'm starting to exhaust them with all these happenings that keep popping up. Life is a gift... open it and cherish it for what it is....

Feeling Today: Thankful

Pissed Off

 Ok fair warning ahead of time, this is a mega bitch fest. I try not to complain too often, but it's time to vent. Today my baby had another counseling appointment. It went great. They always do. However, I'm pissed off that my son even has to do this shit at this age. His sperm donor should have cleaned his ass up when I got pregnant and not put him on this up and down roller coaster ride his entire life. I'm pissed that my baby feels like he has to take on this protective role for me. The fight should have never happened and he should have never seen what he saw. Not only that, he should never hear a lot of the things he has heard. As a mom all I want to do is protect my children, so it is incredibly frustrating when I don't feel like I can, or have been able to do so. I hate the court system and that they care more about a "father's rights" than a child's psychological well being. Why is it everyone is looking out for the bad guy, and no one is looking out for the victim? I myself have wiped MYSELF clean of that good for nothing piece of crap. I wish I could wipe my son clean of him too. He plays well with my son yes, but that DOES NOT make you a father. Driving him home drunk just proved how much of a father he isn't. I have so much anger inside because of that incident and the fact that his family is more concerned about him going back to prison than the fact he could have killed my baby. I'm sick and tired of them bullying and manipulating me. I'm sick of my head being their board game. It's great how they are always available to play, but never available when it's time to take some damn responsibility for the damage that has been done! Well, enough is enough. No one is bullying me anymore! I'm no longer going to do things I don't want to do just because they make me feel like crap. I know who I am! I'm a great mother and a great person! So here is a giant public announcement:  I am sticking up for ME AND MY SON from here on out, you don't like it, get bent!

Feeling Today: Irritated as all hell!!!

Little Bump...

  I'm sort of feeling like I've been traveling down this road and it's been great. I've been going, trouble free, and then suddenly I hit a little pot hole and I sort of veered off.... It's funny that I do great at driving straight, and then I find myself veering off just a little bit. I'm digging deep down inside again to this woman I am, to pull myself straight again. I'm happy. Really happy. And it's funny that now that I feel like I absolutely have all the control over my own life, that it's easier to say,"Ok, time to get straight again." I don't feel like the fate of my decisions lie in someone else's hands. I've reached a point in my life where my decisions lie solely in my own hands. It's crazy how these roads of healing can lead you in such different ways. Part of life I suppose, is making it over the little pot holes that try to throw you off. Not letting them put you back where you were. Although I'm having a little down moment, it does feel great to know I can and I will keep smiling. I'm no where close to where I used to be and it feels amazing. In situations that get you down, you have to find a positive. I won't allow negativity in my life. So, even though the clouds are out, and it's raining just a little bit on my parade, the sun will shine through, and life will continue to be great... "Sometimes your joy is the source of your smile, but sometimes your smile can be the source of your joy." - Thich Nhat Hahn

Feeling Today: Cloudy/Optimistic

For The Mothers

My Family

 Mother's day is just a couple days away so of course I have to blog. I have an amazing mother who has taught me so much in life. She taught me to be strong and independent and to never give up when the going gets tough. To just fight back. But I also have a lot of adopted mommas as well. I have an amazing Aunt that has been there for me through thick and thin and never stopped loving me. Only pumped it up when I needed it most. I have a Grandma who gives me encouraging words and an ear to listen whenever I need it. She's always there to pick me up on days that I'm just not feeing 100%. I also have an awesome friend Deborah who has adopted me in and makes me feel so incredibly special. She gives it to me tough when I need it, but is there to remind me that in the rough times in life, nothing can change who I AM. I'm so blessed to have such amazing women in my life. Not only do I have lots of mommas, I have amazing momma friends. So many of my mom friends are single moms making life work. It's great that we have each other and are there to give unlimited support. We know the struggles we face, and we usually know just what to say. And if all else fails, we always have mommy juice to give in support. As I reflect on what Mother's Day means to me this year, it's such a victorious day to me. I'm doing it.... and I'm doing it well. My children are such a blessing in my life, and I love that we make such an awesome team. Today Larry sent me flowers and a sweet note at what an amazing mother I am. It's nice to not only feel it, but get recognized for it from the father of my children. How many ex-husbands do that? I am truly blessed and this Mother's Day is something especially special. I'm a great mom.... and I'll say it proudly.

Feeling Today: Blessed and Thankful

How To Feel??

Ok so this post may be a little controversial. Everyone has their own opinion. But here goes.... This week Osama Bin Laden was killed. First and fore most, thank you to the men and women who serve in our military and give up their everyday lives, so that I can live mine freely. That being said, from everything I've been reading I don't know if I can agree with the fact that he was just killed. A perfect quote it ‎"I mourn the loss of thousands of precious lives, but I will not rejoice in the death of one, not even an enemy. Returning hate for hate multiplies hate, adding deeper darkness to a night already devoid of stars. Darkness cannot drive out darkness: only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate: only love can do that."--Martin Luther King, Jr. And I agree completely with this statement. Yes, he was a murdered, yes he was a terrorist, but just as Sadam Hussein was tried before a jury, I think the same should have been done here. If in fact, there had been guns blazing and our Navy Seals lives were in jeopardy, by all means, kill him before he kills you. However, everyday, more and more information comes out. First was that Bin Laden was armed and shooting at our troops. Then yesterday, it broke that he was unarmed. Then today, I read even more, that only 1 man was actually armed, and that he was not 1 of the 3 that were killed. I also read that the troops were given a kill order. Not an order to arrest him. I am not in the army, I am not the president. I won't pretend to say that I would ever even know what decision to make if faced with the situation. But I just think that Martin Luther King Jr was right. Hate cannot be fixed with more hate. The pain Osama Bin Laden caused the American people, and people all over the world for that matter, is beyond terrible. Him being found was an amazing AMAZING thing. However, him being killed right off the bat.... I don't know if I can say how I feel about that. Aside from the fact that there is a reason criminals go before a judge, and cops don't decide who is sentenced and who is not, I truly think him being killed right then and there will fuel more rage in terrorists than if he were sentenced. And I still may be completely wrong. I do sincerely hope that this justice may bring victims of 9/11 some sort of peace. The loss off thousands of Americans was devastating. But in the midst of this, I also have empathy for all the women and children who were present at this scene. Children are children. Witnessing your family killed is an event that will forever change their lives. They too were victims. Not only of what they saw, but of the fact that they knew no better than what they were being taught. I want to be happy for what has happened. And in a way I am for the fact that hopefully the end is closer. But I'm also very torn...Just a thought....

Feeling Today: Torn

Playing Pretend For Just A Moment...

Today I'll play pretend... The year is 1952 and I'm cooking for my husband in the kitchen listening to Billie Holiday on the radio. What a beautiful sound that is to my ears. My husband will be home shortly and my children are out playing. I don't have to worry about them out running around because child molestors are a rarity in our society. The house smells of homemade chocolate chip cookies and the dog is out playing with the children. My husband and I may have our arguments but divorce is not an option. He'll take me out on a date Friday night to the jazz club and I'll get all dressed up in a fancy dress and lots of jewelry. He'll look as handsome as can be and will tell me how "beautiful" I look rather than "hott". We married young and once the children came, I no longer worked. I just take care of my husband and children. We finally saved up enough money for a car of our own and gas costs us only $0.25 a gallon. We recently got a television in our house but the children would still much rather be out running amuck than watching the box in the family room. Aaahhhhh..... the joys of playing pretend.

Feeling Today: Creative