Make Em Proud!!

So I'm very excited right now!! I'm going to start back at school!! And I don't have as much time left as I thought!!! I love school and it's time I quit putting it off and finish up! I have had excuses for the last 3 years of why I haven't continued on, but excuses are like assholes, everyone has one. Doesn't matter how valid they have been, they have held me back. I'm ready to make my kids, family, & friends proud. I'm ready to finish up and start a career!! I want to be able to make my children proud of their mom. I want to teach my kids that no obstacle is too big that it can't be over come! So.... I'm goin back!! I meet with my Academic Adviser tonight and I'm so excited! I would be lying if I said I'm not nervous. I definitely am. Being a single mom and trying to juggle work AND school will be a challenge. But I'm up for it. I'm doing this for all of us. :) Wish me luck!!

~*My Spaghetti Momma*~

Little Miss Brooklynn has quite the appetite!! She can eat just as much as her brothers!! How is she staying so tiny??? Here are some pictures of my little Spaghetti Momma!! She looks like a pumpkin with blue eyes!!

The Pictures I Promised

I haven't put up pictures of the Kidlets lately so here ya go :) Feast your eyes on my beautiful children :)

Kayd's Fishing Adventure:

 Happy Halloween :)

My Ky Boog!!! <3

 Kayden Loves Taking Pictures!!

 Chuckie Cheese Adventure

 How hilarious is this!!!

Yes I stuffed her in her toy bucket! She didn't want to help clean up her toys So..... She became one of her toys.

Why I love my Blog!

Know why I love my blog? Because it's the perfect companion. The perfect husband, best friend, mother, sister, everything. I talk to it and it just listens. It doesn't talk back to me or give me unwanted advice. It doesn't give me dirty looks or roll it's eyes at me. Doesn't rush me along like it's in some kind of hurry. No. It lets me take as much time as I want and waits patiently. And when I'm done it just asks me if I'm ready to post now. And if I'm not it doesn't get mad! No, it gives me the opportunity to save and finish ranting later. And the best part is when I do want to come back and finish it doesn't say " Oh here we go again...." Nope it greets me with a warm welcome back and let's me take off where I finished. I also love it because it doesn't get upset when I need to talk in the middle of the night, or first thing in the morning. No my blog is NEVER crabby with me. It's always there saying " Please, tell me more." What better companion can you ask for. And when I'm finished I always feel great!! I never EVER feel like " Wow, why did I even open my big mouth and tell my blog that?! Just so I could receive unwanted advice and cinical remarks??" I love you blog. Thank you for always being there waiting for me to tell you what is on my mind <3

Sheer Frustration

 Talk about one of THE HARDEST THINGS I'VE EVER DONE!!! It's amazing how you wait and wait and wait for something and then you are the first one to contemplate just throwing in the towel. Just saying, screw it I'm not doing this. That's about how I feel right now. I don't think it's fair at all to have to hang myself out to dry to help someone else "figure out themselves". That just isn't fair. I'm angry because I feel like for the past 4 years I wasted a lot of time with someone who wasn't even sure of what they wanted when I could have been with someone who loved me with all of their heart. I feel like everything I've known and loved so deeply was a freakin sham. That although my children have never been in question through this process, that in a way, they were screwed too. We could have had a family with someone else who did want to be there. I'm just angry. And it took a lot of losing sleep last night, laying awake to convince myself that it isn't fair to my children to give up so soon. And that is who all this is for anyway. I have come so far in 9 months its amazing to me. Read back from the beginning and you will agree I'm sure. I finally feel like I know what I deserve. And I absolutely deserve real love with someone who adores me. I deserve to be happy in a relationship. I'm not saying my happiness relies on anyone else by any means. I AM happy with who I am at this point in my life. I've learned so much about ME. But I do want to share that happiness with someone else. No one enjoys being lonely. For now, I will keep going. I will continue moving forward and putting in the effort, I just hope I don't end up going backwards.

Life's Lessons

I believe that everyone has a lesson in life. That before you embark on this journey, you set out with a lesson that you need to learn and bring back the answer to God. I think I've figured out what mine is. Patience. Laugh now go ahead, but I'm serious. I know as well as all of you do, that patience is hardly my strong suit. But at this point in my life I am doing one of the hardest things I've ever done. I've moved away from my new comfort zone into the scary and unknown. Well, sort of unknown. hahahaha. But it has required more patience than I even knew I was capable of. And it's only been 3 weeks. But, I am doing it. And I really think I'm doing well. It is going to be a long ride. And will continue to require patience and I hope I can continue to have them. And as I'm doing this now, I'm realizing I can use this lesson in other aspects of my life. And I'm really trying. But it is truly hard. When you are so use to being one way, or many, but realize now that changes need to be made, it isn't easy to stop being who you've been for 24 years. But I do think I owe myself a pat on the back, for looking deep into myself, and consciously choosing what aspects need upgrading. I'm realizing that life isn't all about only yourself, but in everyone that is around you. I am very thankful that I am learning this lesson now, rather than in another 20 more years. And no matter what outcome, at least I will have learned a very positive trait... Patience. Patience with myself, with my kids, with my significant other, and with life in general. 

Wilderness Chelsea???

  This may come as a shock to many of you. And no I'm not sick. I'm also not crazy. No I haven't fallen off my rocker. I am healthy as a horse! However, I've decided that I think I need to make some changes. As all of you know I have 2 very crazy very BOY little boys. Who do NOT scrapbook, do NOT shop, do NOT craft. Ohhhhhh no, they wrestle, get dirty, camp, fish, play sports, and most famously, break shit and beat people up. Well this weekend Kayden went camping with his Grandpa Rich. G-pa took him fishing and my son caught 6 fish!! Now my first thought when I heard this was " How in the sam hell did Grandpa get him to sit down and shut up long enough to catch 6 fish?? Was he drugged?? And if so can I pick some of these drugs up for more calm nights around here???" Well I've come to decide that I, yes I, am going to start camping and fishing. Now for those of you who just fell out of your chairs laughing, get back up. I'm serious. I have 2 boys. And they LOVE doing these things. Of course they have their dad to take them, but I don't want to miss out on these special memories of seeing my boys catch fish, or start their first fire ( no not forest fire, THAT is not the kind of fire I am referring to) I don't want to miss out on these things because I'm busy shopping. Sooooooo I've come to the decision that if I don't want to miss out on my babies memories, I must join them IN their memories. Rather than make scrapbooks of them, I want to make scrapbooks of us! Just think of it like Barbie. She has all sorts of personas. For example, Shopping Chelsea, Scrapbooking Chelsea, Domestic Diva Chelsea, Sewing Chelsea, Wilderness Chelsea??? Guess so!! Wish me luck!

Adventures in Mommyhood

Well hello again. So good to see you've come back for more ;) So today all I can think of to do is talk about my adorable children and give an update. Since it's sorta been awhile.... Kayden turned 5. Pretty much killed me. I mean that's half a decade. Do you realize what that means?!?!?! He's practically gonna be driving soon!!! Ahhhhh! Anywho, he's doing great. He got a Nintendo DS and a new skooter for his birthday and he is sooooooooo excited about them. Now he doesn't have to take his sisters pink scooter to the skate park ;) He's been learning lots in preschool and is doing really rather well at writing letters. So proud! He definitely got his brain from his mommy a.k.a. ME!! Kyler is great as ever. This weekend me and Lar took him to see his first movie... Toy Story 3. And he did awesome! I was definitely expecting him to get antsy and not sit still at all. But he sat through the entire thing!! I personally thought the movie was hilarious! And he didn't think it was so bad either. Kyler is definitely my little sports man. He LOVES taking his scooter to the skatepark and has incredible balance for a peewee. And now he thinks he should be a daredevil and take his skateboard. I on the other hand, am not so sure about that. He loves anything that will potentially cause a broken bone. So if anyone wants to donate to my hospital bills fund ahead of time, donations are always welcome ; ) Brooklynn is doing great! Can you believe she is 9 months old now!!! Ya neither can I. She has 4 teeth and is walking along my furniture! She cracks me up! She is so sweet and loves to pat my back. She follows her brothers everywhere and just adores them. They make her laugh so hard! It's the cutest thing ever. And she ADORES her big sissy because she carries her all around and pretty much gives her anything she wants. I love having Rhy around because she is such a little mommy :) Love love love that girl!!! My batteries are dead in my camera but I will put pictures up soon!!!

Total Transformation

I know I can't seem to shut up about this epiphany but really I feel amazing. I feel like a total transformation has taken place inside my mind, body, and spirit. Never have I felt so at peace with myself and my life. And how ironic that it comes NOW. lol I feel calmer, happier, more care free, more patient. All the qualities I've been longing for. And all from 1 simple answer. It seems like over and over you hear people say " I know everything happens for a reason but WHY?!?!?!" And now that I finally quit asking that and just said. "Ok" so the many trials life has thrown at me it all makes sense. I can honestly sit here and say I have learned more about myself the last 8 lonely months of my life than I have my ENTIRE life. And this week it has just all come together to help me realize that. I have qualities that I don't like about myself. Qualities that I use to think made me better than everyone else I guess. (How embarassing to admit, but its about honesty now right?) And I sit and look at the situations I have faced and am currently faced with and I realize, that what I can control is me and I can control changing the qualities I don't like and putting better emphasis on the qualities I do. I have sat with such a sad broken heart for 8 months screaming at God " Why me?! Haven't you already put me through enough? Sure you said you wouldn't give me more than I can handle but when are you gonna give me a break cheese and rice!!" But they are not things I have control of. And certainly more things will come up in life I might not be happy with. That may throw me off track, but I know for sure one thing is certain, I will approach it totally differently. I have never felt my heart literally so open and at peace as I do now. Here is such an awesome quote that I hope you can really sit and ponder " He who has a why to live can bear with almost any how." ~ Friedrich Nietzsche. For now, love, peace, and happiness.

Epiphany

I realize that this word "Epiphany" sounds so .... cliche. But seriously, I had just that! An epiphany! Yesterday! About this control thing. Like seriously, just like in a movie! There I was working away and I swear to you time stopped, everyone froze, I looked up and said " OMG. That's it! This is where all this anxiety is coming from!" And it just hit me like a ton of bricks. I can't even explain the high I got from this except to say I think a small piece of heaven now existed inside my body. There had to have been angels dancing and singing all around me. My heart felt open and clean and my mind was just at peace. Realizing that allllllllllllllllllllll my fears from my entire life, but specifically the last 8 months, all reverted to my fear of having no control. But then it hit me, that's ok. I don't have to have control. I actually CAN'T have control. I can control no one other than myself. And my reactions about situations. I can't control him, I can't control my kids, or negative people or situations. Only myself. And how I react. And it's amazing, I was feeling so awesome and clear and I went home and my positivity made everyone at home happier. Lar was happy and playful, the boys actually behaved better than normal. Brooklynn just wanted to be with me which is actually just normal. I just felt amazing. I wanted nothing more than to bottle up that feeling and send it to every person in the world with a little note tied to it that said " Peace, Love & tranquility just for you." Who wouldn't want that amazing feeling that was somehow taking over my body?? How could it have taken so long to figure this out? People were telling me trying to get me to see but until I told myself, I couldn't hear anything. But how perfect is that? I finally LISTENED to MYSELF. And my heart and my head like shook hands and came to an agreement. And it all just cleared out. I've officially made a promise or maybe a vow to myself that everytime I get sad or down I will remember this feeling. I will go back to that moment where the world stopped and heaven entered my body. Because that... THAT was true happiness.

Control

I truly believe that behind every fear is control. What the true fear is boils down to the fear of having no control. If you are being mugged, you are scared because you have no control of someone taking your things. If you are being raped, you are scared because you have no control over what someone is doing to your body. If someone is trying to kill you, you are scared because someone else has control over your life at that moment. It all boils down to control. And right now I am figuring out that that is what I am truly scared of right now. It's not the unknown I am scared of right now. It is having absolutely no control over someone Else's' feelings towards me. Knowing that really, there is nothing I CAN do. I just have to be patient and be me. And hope that that is good enough. And to finally have a light come on in my head that tells me that is what the anxiety is really boiling down to helps calm my mind. It's a scary thing having anything of yourself in someone Else's hands. And maybe that is the other part of my problem. I am putting too much of my happiness in someone Else's control. I need to make myself happy and what happens after that is just up to the gods. You wait and you wait and you wait to hear those words. Those small words and you hear them and you react exactly opposite of how you thought you would. I didn't expect it to give me so much anxiety and panic but it did. And it's all because I can't control any of it. Time is all that will tell. I just have to be calm and remind myself that no matter what the outcome of the situation, I can be happy. I will be me no matter what direction my life goes. The core of myself will not change. Maybe this is my true test right now. To be ME and no one other than ME for myself but hope that it is sweet enough to benefit someone else. Oh I feel so much better......