Meant to be ....Then

     I heard a song today that said something like " we aren't meant to be, but we WERE meant to be then." How right that is! I have had 2 men in my life that I have cried over and wondered if this is what the plan was for me, why did you bring them into my life?? Just to torture me? But no, we WERE MEANT TO BE while it happened. I have the 3 most beautiful children a mom could ask for. And without those men, they wouldn't be here with me. It's funny that when I went through my breakup and divorce all I wanted was for them to be miserable. For them to hurt and cry and see what it was like to not be okay. And there were times, that I did get just what I wanted. But it didn't do anything for me.... All it did was make me wish they were okay. Now that I have healed from the wounds of those relationships all I want is their friendship. I am soooooooo grateful that me and Lar are so close. That we still are such great friends and can do things together and do things as a family. And it's so wonderful to know I am loved. He would do anything for me as would I him. It's just not the kind of love that makes a marriage work. I'm thankful that he makes sure I'm taken care of and that if I need help with something, he never hesitates. Now, Andy gets out soon.... and all I hope for is that we can be friends. I know that it is quite possible that that will never happen. That we will never be able to be friends. But I still hope that for Kayden, we can get along and show Kayden what matters most is him. Not his mom & dad's emotions. I know that Andy loves me and that it may not be a healthy love and it may not be reciprocated back, but I hope in that love, he can just give it knowing it is what it is. Give it in an appropriate way knowing that it is what is best for Kayden. I would be lying if I said I'm not scared of what will happen when he gets out. Because I am. But I also know I'm not the same woman now as I was when he went in. So I hope that that can give me the confidence I need to be strong with myself and the boundaries that are best for my family.... That's all for now :) Lamb Chops and Polka Dots! <3

May You Forever Fly With Angels

To My Dearest Aunt Denise,
  It has been 1 year today since you left us. And who would have thought in just 1 year how much life can truly change. It seems like in just 365 days I had to learn how to readjust to everything. How to readjust to life. I will never know why you left only that I have missed you. But I know how many times I have felt you with me. From the birth of my daughter, to the many nights I cried myself to sleep. Perhaps you simply became one of MY angels. The memories of you that I cherish so much will forever fill my heart. I know how proud of me that you are and I know without a doubt you have held my hand through this entire year. I hope that you have found the peace that you so desperately must have longed for. Our whole family will forever have a gap where you once were. One of the last memories I have of you was at Great Grandpa's funeral when you were rubbing my belly. You said " I hope your daughter is just like you!" hahaha well, she is! She looks just like me and already has a prissy attitude some days. But oh how much I love her. I know you are here with me on a regular basis and I know without a doubt you were there when I gave birth. Thank you for walking my beautiful angel into this world. As my tears fall I can only smile because of how wonderful that you are and always were. From the memories of shopping or cherries, to water parks and Disney World. You will always fill my mind. I love and miss you dearly. May you continue to rest in peace and forever fly with angels...

Week 1..... down :)

 Well I survived my first week of school!! And it wasn't nearly as bad as I thought it would be. I was super worried I wouldn't have good time management skills to be able to do it successfully. However, I did great!! I was even ahead on my assignments before they were due. I have 1 grade back so far and it was an A-. Which actually peeves me a little bit. I'm really going to try hard for a 4.0 and I can't get that with A- grades!! I was able to balance home and being mommy with work and school extremely well. I just did a lot of work on my lunch hours and after the kids went to bed. I know it's only one week down but I'm hoping I can continue at the same pace until I finish :) I'm just trying to stay motivated and not let anything distract me. I've gotten some great advice from a great friend who went back to school as a single mom of 5 kids and finished all the way through her doctoral degree. What an inspiration she is to me. I want to do what she does and kick ass just like her!

One of those moments....

Today I had one of those little moments where something sparked a memory in my mind and the inside of my chest stung for just a moment. It was a band playing that reminded me of a song that reminded me of a memory.... But I can say, I'm glad that now days its just a moment. It's not a month, its not a week, its not even a whole day anymore. It's just a moment.... I suppose I will have these moments for the rest of my life. But I guess that means that it was real and it was good. Which is better than it being real, and hell while it lasted. I've come so far since February 11. But there will always be those moments.... And I know in these moments, that I can smile once they passed because I survived and I lived again.... :)

Adventures in Mommyhood Part 3....

 I'm just at a loss right now.... The boys are being super naughty at daycare and it's crushing me. We have our struggles at home there is no doubt about that. But their behavior at school is purely shocking me. This parenting thing truly is the hardest job I've ever done. All you want as a Mom is for your children to grow up and succeed in life. To come out okay. To survive in this world that can sometimes be very hard. I know they have been through a lot Kayden especially, but I just wish I knew how to help them. I'm sure that they are sad and angry, but its hard to get a 3 and 5 year old to sit down and communicate their frustrations. And they aren't just not communicating with me, they aren't communicating with their friends either. Poking your friend in the eye with a fork because he took it from you is hardly the way I want them communicating. I just want to be super mom and know how to do everything. How to do it all right so they don't grow into criminals. I love my children so much and would do anything I could to help them. I am looking into some counseling to maybe help them process things and I guess thats where I start. I'm using every resource I can to help them and I guess that's really all I can do. I just wish I could make it better. I saw how awesome I was doing and how much I have healed and assumed my kids were fine too because they don't talk about it. I guess assumptions are a bad thing. I know I'm a good mom and I know my kids really are good kids, I just wonder what I could be doing better.....

~*Holiday Time*~

Well it's that time of year again! Time for family, food, chatter and the warmth of the holidays. I LOVE this time of year!! I love all the holiday smells, the family time, the lights, the chaos in the stores, the music. I love it all!! This year will definitely be different for me and the kids when it comes to the holidays. The thought of not having all my children on the holidays is devastating but something I will have to learn to adapt too. BUT, this was our chance to start new. To begin again.... And with that comes new experiences. I know that the holidays won't be bad, they will just be different. But I don't necessarily think that different is always a bad thing :) I'm looking forward to making new memories with my children this year. Starting new traditions, spending extra special time together, and being so thankful that we have each other. Given our situation we could be so much worse off than we are and for that I'm so grateful for what we have. I'm thankful that I can give my kids a good Christmas and I am grateful that I have them to celebrate with. I hope to teach my kids more about the true meaning of the holidays this year instead of material things. I want my children to cherish our special holiday memories for the rest of their lives. Yes.... it will be different this year.... but to that I say Cheers! Bring on the change! Let us celebrate in a new way! To new memories, new friends, and lots of love.... I wish EVERYONE a wonderful holiday season no matter what you celebrate.

Satisfied.... :)

When I started this blog I titled it "Life's Little Journey... Learning to Live Again". Well, how proud I am to say that I have finally done just that. Learned to live again. I have never in my life been so proud of myself as I am now. I feel like I am right where I need and want to be RIGHT NOW. :) When my husband left I felt like my whole world crashed. And I guess it sort of did. But in my head I thought I had lost my family. What did I have left now?! And I realized a couple months ago that I didn't lose my family... I lost my husband. I have my family and how great they are. I am fully fullfilled with where I am at right now. That healing finally happened and I feel amazing. I honestly wondered if I would ever get to this point, but I did. I stopped surviving, and started living. And it feels amazing. I have amazing friends, wonderful children, and a super supportive family. I got the closure I needed at a weird time but none the less, I got it. I now count the blessings I do have everyday and thank god for them. I start school Monday and have incredible support from everyone and am so excited. For now I am concentrating on me and my children and school. The rest can wait. I'm where I WANT to be for now. I love my children and think its great for it to be just us for awhile. I didn't lose my family... I get to hold them and love on them everyday :) It might not be the traditional family, but we are FAMILY. And we are happy... Thank you to EVERYONE who reads my blog and gets something out of it. I love knowing people care and are curious about how we are doing. Thank you to my amazing friends and family who have supported me and gotten me to the point that I am at. I not once walked alone through this, there were always MULTIPLES of you walking with me. You guys never let me and my kids feel alone but instead surrounded us with an abundance of love. Thank you. We are truly grateful.

Girls Night

Tonight has been so fun! It was just me and Brooklynn having a girls night. I can't tell you how much I love this girl!! How blessed I am to have her as my daughter. She is wayyyyyyyy too smart! She was looking at the family picture while we were sitting on the couch and she said " daddy" and I said " Nope daddy isn't in the picture is he??" and she says " Uh oooohhh" and hugs me!!! Then she wanted her binky so I told her to say please with sign language and showed her by rubbing my chest. So she stops, reaches over, and rubs my chest! lol Little smarty pants! Then she just laughs at me. Then she wanted my phone while I was laying on the floor so I hurried and put it under the pillow I was lying on. So she crawls her little but over, sticks her arm under the pillow, takes the phone and crawl off laughing. Funny little sense of humor she has. How much joy this sweet angel brings me! How was our family ever complete before her??? I love you Boo! You've kept me laughing all night! 

~Love My Friends~

Me and Jenna 

 I SUPER love my friends!! My friend Jenna is going through a similar situation of what I went through. I can't tell you how nice it is to have someone who knows exactly what you're going through. We lean on each other for support daily. We hold each other through tears, we laugh together, drink together, we help each other with the kids. It's like her and Aijla are part of our little family. My kids adore her and Aijla adores us. It's great to have that support from each other. Her and Aijla came over for dinner last night and it was so fun. We keep her busy so she doesn't think about sad things. And she helps me with my boys. I love that she isn't afraid to correct them when they are naughty. :) It's always nice to have another parent around helping me out. My boys love to be around her and were so funny telling us last night what they are going to do to her ex! " I'm gonna put his head in a toilet!! eww gross lol" " Well I'm gonna stick his head in the garbage!!" lol It kept us laughing. From my experience this last year the most helpful thing for me were my friends and their support. I will never take for granted how awesome all of you are and how much you mean to me. Never in my life have I had such amazing friends. It's truly amazing how the right people always seem to come into your life at the right time. I never ever doubt that what is meant to be is meant to be and when things are suppose to happen they do. We love you Jenna Bean and Aijla!! You're part of our family :)

Adventures in Mommyhood part 2....

So this weekend I'm just going to be honest. My kids drove me NUTSO!! I had like the worst day on Saturday for some reason and of course my kids could feel it. So they fed off my crap attitude and were terrors!!! Or maybe it was just that I was in such a bad mood that they seemed worse than they were. I don't know but either way I was losing my mind. Thank god Saturday evening Jenna came over and took over. I love that my friends will come be mommy for me when I'm struggling and need help. Sunday they went with their dad so I could get a break. And it was nice. But.... I miss them soooo much. :( Lar kept them over night and the point of that was so I could get some good sleep. So how does it work out that I slept horribly?? I couldn't hear Brooklynn breathing and Kyler didn't run in my room and sneak in my bed. And it super sucked. I'm not a perfect mom. And I will never claim to be. I think every mom always has room for improvement. And its the times after I get mad at my kids that I feel the worst. They are just kids. Doing exactly what kids are suppose to do. I love my babies so much and can't wait to get home and love the crap out of them. Nothing in life makes me feel more fulfilled than being their mom. Making them dinner, kissing their owies, tucking them into bed, cuddling with them, and of course, giving them lots of hugs and kisses is what makes me happy. I hope they forgive me for my bad attitude on Saturday. I love you guys so so so so much and am sooooooooooooo proud to be your mommy! <3