It's Just Money...

I am so stressed right now. Too many bills going out and not enough coming in. Some of it is my own stupid choices and then some of it is just too many things coming at me at once. I've talked to a couple of my friends and they've all told me the same thing: It's just money. You have what's important in life and that's your kids, family, & friends. I'm trying to really remember this. At the end of the day, you can only take from me what I have. It's hard to remember to not stress over money when you are a single mom trying to make it. But what they've said is true. It's just money... I have what's important and what I need in life. I have my kids. I know that whether I have money or not they love me unconditionally and the size of my bank account means nothing to them. I guess I need to remember also that everything always works out one way or another. Sometimes it's just hard to see that when you are in the moment. But the advice I've been given is true. It's paper... What I have is better. I have beautiful smiles looking up at me, warm hugs from the most adorable little people ever, and kisses that melt my heart on a daily basis. It's time I start refocusing on what I have rather than what I don't. The more time I spend thinking of everything I don't have, the more time I'm wasting that could be spent counting my blessings as I always have. Time to refocus and remember gratitude. I'm very blessed to have what I DO have and that is what's important...

Hope...

You may wonder what that is.... This.. is hope. Ya see, Kayden made this little snowglobe type thing at school the other day and loved it so much. To him, it was something special. When he brought it home I thought it was cute but that was about it and didn't give it much more thought. Until tonight... Tonight Kayd saw me crying and asked me what was wrong. At this point, I didn't know if it was better to lie and act like nothing was wrong or simply tell the truth. I decided that it was just best to tell him the truth knowing that more than likely, he'd be who would make me feel better. "What's wrong momma? Why are you sad?" he asked. "I miss daddy. It's just kind of hard on me." He scrimaged around for a minute and pulled out this special project that he loved so much. "Mom, I know it's hard for you. But I want you to have this... when you get sad and are missing dad, pretend he's this little seashell and keep it in your purse. When you are missing him just a little pull it out and remember he's still there." Now, if I wasn't crying enough as it was, this pushed it to niagra falls level. My son is so wise beyond his years sometimes I can't believe it's really him speaking. I held this little thing close for a reason other than he suggested. I realized looking at this little shell that what my son had really just given me was hope... And that really, he's the little one in this jar when I'm feeling a bit sad. How could I have forgotten that through the hardest times it's my children that will actually pull me through. People have said to me to not worry about the kids, they will be fine they are resiliant. To just try and worry about healing myself right now. But it's actually these kids who will help me heal. This tiny little shell in this cute little project I once thought nothing of, has become the little bottle of hope I will carry around. Things will be ok... it just took a 6 year old to put that in perspective for me. 

Maybe This HAD To Happen...

As much as I feel like I'm back to square one, starting the long road again that I felt I had already conquered, I'm beginning to wonder if this is exactly what I NEEDED to have happen. The last year and a half has been more of a divorce on paper, but not in actuality. We've always been together, hanging out, being a family, etc. The divorce was in ink.... but not actually present. I'm obviously very sad that I had to make the decision I did and hope absolutely NOTHING but the very best for him, but I think this is exactly what I needed to finally decide it's time to move on. We've talked a lot and we are still getting along really great. We just both know this is what has to happen. I think this was the final push I needed to realize it's never gonna happen. This time though I have to do it right. No hanging out or calling and texting each other everyday.... just time to heal. As much as I can't imagine right now ever falling out of love with him, I do believe that time does heal all wounds and one day I will be okay. Do I think I'll ever completely stop loving him? No... But I do think it will get easier with time if I just do it right this time. I believe we will be there for each other in desperate times but I know that for now, all I need is space.... I will need my friends close once again to hold me up and support me. I pray that they haven't had enough and just want to walk away. I guess I know in my heart though that those who are true and love me will be there no matter what...

Marilyn Monroe

My friend shared this with me and I'm hoping it's true....

"I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they're right, you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together."
— Marilyn Monroe

Back to Square 1

You'd think you would learn your lesson the first time.... Guess not. I guess sometimes no matter what you've been through or how far you've come, when love is involved falling backwards is always a possibility. I guess I feel ashamed for even being in this position. Shouldn't I have remembered? Shouldn't I have been stronger? I guess there's a million shouldn'ts or what if's I could ask myself but they don't change the present or the past. All I can do is pick myself back up and start at it again. This is what life's about though right? Learning lessons... Although even that seems like a stupid excuse for what I've done since I should have learned the first time. Maybe it's time like Crystal said to go back through this blog and find inspiration in myself. I did it once I can do it again right?? My life has become a mess and I've let so many things go and it's all my own fault. Backwards is the one direction I hate going yet I did it... So what exactly do I do now? It would seem the answer is clear to pick things back up and start again... but I'm worn out. I'm exhausted of cleaning up messes. I know it's not like me to say this because I've become so independent, but right now I wish someone else would pick me up and clean it all up for me. Oh well though, that's all wishful thinking. Only I know what to do and I just have to hope my friends are still there beside me getting through it once again.

Is Hiding Easier?

I hate when you have to question if you can trust people you are close to. And I can assure you, I'm not talking about who you probably think I am. It's funny because some of the women in my family have asked me, "How do you get so many friends? How do you know you can trust them?" I've always said that I'm just super social and make friends easily. But as far as trust, I think I'm one of those people who trust too easily. Maybe instead of giving people trust until they break it, I should live by the idea of not trusting until you've earned it. I'm sick of getting hurt by people and maybe it's safer if I just hide out from people so there isn't anyone there to hurt me. I spent a lot of great time with my kids this weekend and it made me realize how blessed I am. How thankful I am for these three amazing little people that I have in my life. When I'm sad my boys are the first to hug me and ask me, "What's wrong mommy? You can talk to me." Although there are times I can't talk to them about what's bothering me, there are plenty of others when I can just say I'm having a hard day and their hugs and kisses make things so much better. I think there are a lot of times lately where I've felt my kids are the only ones I can trust that love me unconditionally because all they see is their "mommy". And in their eyes, I'm perfect. I'm a very social person and hiding isn't my thing, but I feel like right now that's the only way I can protect myself. There are plenty of reasons that I find that I have nothing to worry about, but there's always those few little things that make me think I should. I don't like having to question relationships or how true people are, and maybe that's why some people I know don't let people get close to them at all. Maybe they have the right idea after all. I guess all I can do is look inside right now for the answers I know are there. It's deep in your being that you find the true answers after all...