Stepping out of the storm...

  It is definitely safe to say that I am most certainly my own worst enemy. I quite often create my own misery, and even more often, destroy my own potential happiness? What has happened in the last few months that has made me put myself back in this position? Perhaps my own soul searching has yet to be finished, or even more, maybe I never started as I thought I had. I tell myself that there is no going forward as long as I'm looking backwards. I will never get different results if I continue doing the same things day after day. I don't particularly care for boring routine day after day. I want excitement, and I want new, and I want different. However, it seems that when I get that, I find reasons as to why I no longer want it. I wonder if from now on I should just quit listening to myself? Perhaps all along I've been taking the wrong advice in listening to the voice inside. Maybe now is the perfect time to tell that voice to shut it, and step outside of my comfort zone. Once in awhile if I just stop and listen I hear the answers loud and clear. But I spend so much time trying to decipher every little aspect of the answer that I miss the whole point entirely. I don't want perfect, but I also don't want something that isn't there to begin with. It gets old going in circles round and round...I want to no longer be in the eye of every storm, but rather on the outskirts just observing. Maybe that's the real answer after all... looking in as if watching a movie, rather than being the star.... Perhaps that's when clarity comes, when you become the observer instead of the observed.

Feeling Tonight: Frustrated

Pure Smiles

   Waking up my children this morning all I could think of is how lucky I am that I have these sweet little angels. They make me so incredibly happy and I can't imagine happiness without being a mommy. Before you have kids you don't realize the amount of love and joy that they can bring you. And once you have them, you can't understand how you were ever happy before them. My little princess with her messy morning hair who comes stomping out every morning just fills me with joy. To her giant (tiny :) ) bear hugs she gives me, to the funny stories she tries to tell me. There may be days that I feel she is the devil in jelly shoes, but I still adore her so so much. My boys who love taking care of "their girls" constantly keep me smiling. Kyler with his funny witty sayings, and Kayden with his "man of the house" attitude give me something that no one else possibly could. I watch them grow, and am filled with pride with the things they accomplish. Although it is scary to think they are going to grow up, I get so excited to know I get to watch every minute of it. There are struggles, and days when it seems that 1 person just isn't enough, but we do it. I have the perfect little family and couldn't ask for anything more. Now that I have evicted the negativity out of my life, my smile is back and the fun happy dynamic in my house is once again flowing. It's funny how once you eliminate the things pulling you down, you quickly find yourself climbing to the top. I can't tell you how many times I hear that I look too young to be a mommy, let alone a mommy of 3. But for some reason, someone planned my journey exactly how it has happened. Clearly a higher being knew I'd be the perfect one to parent these sweet kids. How thankful I am that they let me. There are things I want to accomplish, and places I want to go, but right now, right here with my babies, is the PERFECT place to be. I truly love my life....

Feeling Today: So so blessed. <3

Meet Karma... She's a real bitch.

 Well this morning was the start of what could potentially be a definitely long process. However, if there is 1 thing I've learned through the past year of my life, it's patience. And at this point, for this task, I have all the patience in the world. I made the decision to not wait for dumb and dumber to leap. I did it instead. Meeting with my attorney this morning I gained so much hope for what the future could mean for my son. All I've wanted for the past 5 and a half years of his life was for his S.D. to step up and decide to be a dad. Quite clearly, I never got that and neither did my son. I made the decision to stop being manipulated and decided to go for the jugular this morning. It's funny that even after all the crap, I still have that little part of me that feels a little bit bad for him. However, the bitch in me quickly shuts that up and reminds me none of this has been  mine or Kayden's fault and we haven't deserved any of it. Not only did my meeting with my attorney go amazing, but I spoke with Kayden's counselor and she talked to CPS today. From what she said, great things are going to happen for my little Kayd man. I think the thing Sperm Donor Sr. needs to learn about life is not only do you have to hold yourself accountable for your actions, but you have to teach your children to do the same. I have always taught my children that when you make a bad decision, you pay the consequences. I don't want to hear all the reasons you did it or why it's everyone else's fault. I want to hear you take responsibility for your actions and do your time. Children are absolutely a product of their environment. Unfortunately, sperm donor jr is the perfect example of that. Well, meet my friend Karma... she's a real bitch. Shitty for you, she's movin in.

Feeling Today: Hopeful

Those Are Uzis Bitch

 After further harassment and bullshit from the family who shall not be named in my blog, they've decided to take me back to court for withholding visitation. Yes, this after they said how excited they were to sign over their rights. I've been told that I will be held in contempt of court, papers being filed Tuesday, for not allowing sperm-donor to see his "kid" (their exact choice of words, absent of emotion much??) So anyways, I woke up this morning nervous and scared about doing the court process again. I'm not sure why since I have so much going for me to get him less rights than he already has, but the what ifs overwhelmed me. Luckily, I woke the hell up and decided it's time to play. And Chelsea doesn't feel like playing nice. Sperm-donor Sr. may have money, and may have tough words.... But douchetard, I've got LOTS of evidence. You pulled out your attorney guns, but bitch I've got uzis!! I'm DONE feeling nervous and scared about this. Sure, it might financially drain me, but everything we need will be on paper and they will have NOTHING to go off of anymore. I think they didn't take me serious when I said momma bear was out and ready to play. Perhaps he even thought just threatening me with court would convince me to give into their harassment. Well news flash.... I WASN'T JOKING AROUND! The thing I find the funniest is that this is all Sperm-Donor Sr. doing all this. Saying that "they" will sign over their rights and that "they" are taking me back to court. In case you didn't know you ass wipe waste of space... YOU HAVE NO FUCKIN RIGHTS! He ISN'T your kid!!! Get it yet??? Perhaps, if it has to be sperm-donor sr. pushing to go back to court instead of sperm-donor jr that should say something.... Well, go ahead and waste you money. Let's play.... we'll see who comes out on top.

Feeling Today: Bitchy ;)

Going M.I.A.

  I'll just be honest, I've been struggling for a bit. The last few weeks I feel like I've been hit with the shit storm truck. If it isn't one thing stressing me out it's another. I've learned that a lot of the people you think you can trust, you actually can't. The part that irritates me the most is that I'm a mom and my number one focus in life is my children. I can't be held back and involved in people's drama anymore. I have enough things to worry about in my own life, to have to worry about what people are saying. For this reason, I've just decided to go m.i.a. for a bit and lay low. I think staying home even when I don't have my kids is best for now. I just can't keep getting caught up in useless drama every time I turn a corner.These 3 children need me and a POSITIVE me at all times. I don't think I've been able to give them a positive me for a few weeks and that isn't okay. It's time to buckle back down and spend time with the people who matter. Every person that comes into your life comes in for a reason. Whether it's for a day, a season, or a lifetime they all serve a purpose. Every relationship you experience throughout life is unique in itself and there is something you will get out of it. But there also comes times when a door needs to be shut and you continue on in your own journey. It isn't easy... no one claims it is... but sometimes it just has to be done. It is what it is.... Enjoy the pictures I've posted below of the people who matter most and keep me smiling.

Feeling Today: Hopeful

Waiting...

  Ya know that feeling like you are just waiting anxiously wishing you knew what was going to happen... Yep, that's where I'm sitting. The family who I will no longer even name in my blog because they don't deserve that said they would contact their attorney to start the process of signing over the rights but I don't know what is happening with it. I most certainly DON'T want to contact them to see if they've done it or not, but I really want to know. I have this amazing father for my son who wants to adopt him but feel like when "they" find that out they won't go through with it. I don't think they are aware there has to be someone there to adopt the child for him to sign his rights over... I think when they find that out they won't go through with it out of spite. Rather than just doing what is best for Kayden, they will do what meets their selfish needs best. I have already obviously decided that with or without the adopting, Kayd will never go there again, but I just want things legal. It's a scary thought to me that if God forbid something happened to me, "he" would get custody of my child because he is on the birth certificate. I want to know that things are in place if I passed that would keep all my kids together with THEIR daddy. I will just keep praying that things work out and it all goes through. My prayers have been being answered so I will continue to keep going. CPS interviewed Kayden and reviewed my protective order and the law is actually behind me in keeping Kayd from their house. I feel like this is the start of a better and happier life for EVERYONE not just Kayd. I just hope that for ONCE, they do what is best for Kayden and not what is just convenient for them...

Feeling Today: Anxious

That's How Faith Works

   I know I wrote just a couple hours ago but faith has an amazing way of getting you where you need to be! I got a call from my son's counselor that child protective services finally opened a case against his sperm donor! They are investigating him and his parents for emotional maltreatment. I can not tell you how much better I feel about the decision I've made. I was scared and nervous to make the decision I did but I just feel like now I have a leg to stand on. Finally, someone hears my cries and is willing to step in and back me up. The best part is that none of this is because of ME. It's because of what my son has told his counselor. I feel the BIGGEST breath of relief. I can breath!!! I don't know where this will go, but I feel damn good that I know it's going in a positive direction. Life has a funny way of giving you what you need when you need it. When you doubt and are scared, faith puts it's arm around you and says, "It'll be okay..." This is a great day!!!

Feeling Today: So Happy!!!

Momma Knows Best

     I previously posted that from now on I'm done dealing with Andy and his families harassment; and I have been. I've ignored them and not even given them the time of day. However, this week I've been forced to make further decisions that I truly feel are for the best. Last week was another bad episode of things being said to Kayden by Andy that should have NEVER been said to a child. I've finally decided that my son will no longer be going over there. I'm fully aware of the consequences I could face by making this decision and am prepared to do so if it means saving my son's emotional state. He shouldn't call me bawling begging to come home because his "sperm donor" (better term for him than father I think) decided to tell him he wants to kill me. At what point will this person quit emotionally abusing our son? Apparently, that point may never come so it is left up to me to make the best decision I can for him. I worry about what the outcome could be. Will Kayden hate me one day? Will he understand why I made this decision? I believe in my heart that this is for the best and my responsibility to do. If I continue to allow this person to hurt my child am I not just as bad as him? Is it not the same as me aiding him in doing it? I just think enough is enough. There comes a point where you have to make hard decisions and pray that it works out how it is suppose to. This innocent child looks to me and basically, only me, for protection. I am failing him if I don't give him just that. There will never come a day that Andy changes. He may wake up when he's 40 and say, "Wtf have I done with my life?" and have a lot of regrets, but I honestly don't believe that change will ever happen. I want nothing but success and happiness for my child. I've finally stopped wondering about how this will hurt Andy or his family. I've realized that my job isn't to worry about them; it's to worry about Kayden. There will be hurt and anger I'm totally positive of that. But the innocent one will finally be protected.... Perhaps my son has guardian angels watching him everyday.... but now I must be the angel who guards him on Earth. Kayden... you are my hero, now let me be your's....