The Big Move...

Well yesterday was the big moving day. What an emotional thing. Friday night Kyler was with Larry and Kayden was with Rich and Lisa so it was just me and Brooklynn. I did a lot of crying. It was weird to be alone for my last night in that house. Very hard. I thought I would cry a lot yesterday so I didn't wear mascara. However, thanks to Jeremy being there I laughed most of the day. He made it a lot easier for me. If not for him I probably would have cried most of the day. I haven't taken much time to process it and maybe that is a good thing. I think once I start to really think about no longer having that home I made into a home with him and my kids it will be really hard. I got moved into my apartment thanks to help from awesome friends and family. And my mom and Tammy were at my house until 9:30 last night helping me make it a home. I'm relieved to be out of that house with all the memories everywhere I look. The apartment is small compared to the house but fairly roomy. I just have to remind myself this is a start to a new life for me and my kids. We can start fresh. Start new. Since the boys are gone I also spent the first night in our new home with just me and Brooklynn. It was kind of hard to sleep even though I was exhausted with so many things going through my head but we did alright. I'm relieved that I am closer to my parents and more or less EVERYTHING. Especially the times I'm feeling down and need to be with my family. Just a quick 5 minute drive. People are still telling me how amazingly strong I am, and I hope that I really am. It doesn't feel like it. I just am doing what I have to to survive for me and my kids. I keep hearing the lyrics by 30 Seconds to Mars " It's a brave new world" in my head. And I think it is for us. I am so so so grateful to all of my awesome friends who check on me on a constant basis and help me whenever I need it. You guys are what is holding me up. Everyone says " Your kids are what will get you through this." And while they are, they don't realize that it is them, my friends, who are getting me through it just as much. I know most everyone hates Andy, and for good reason he did something really sweet for me. He is an amazing artist and made me a huge picture of my kids names really cool and sent me a letter reminding me that even in this time when I feel more alone than ever, to look at my 3 beautiful children because to them I am everything and far from alone. Even though he isn't my favorite person, it meant a lot. And I could tell his apologies and everything he said was genuine. Its funny because I keep finding out people who I would never suspect would care, are the ones thinking about me and sending their regards. So thank you everyone... for everything. I love you.

A couple Fam Pics

Here are a few of our family pictures! They were done by Courtney Ryan Photography and she does such an awesome job!! Great with kids too! check out her website if your wanting pictures done! www.courtneyryanphotography.com

Moving Day Approaches...

Wow it's been a bit since I wrote huh. Well my Ky bug turned 3 Sunday. So crazy. Soooo crazy. He's definitely got the 3 year old attitude but it's so weird to think how fast he is growing. We had a bbq for his birthday and then he went with his daddy for a birthday at the park too. I made the decision to get an apartment. We move Saturday. I just decided I need to be closer to everything now. My house is just way too far out there. It's so weird to look back and remember how excited I was to get our house. I couldn't wait to get in and it felt like it would never happen. And now I can't wait to get out. It's so full of memories that I can't even walk down the stairs without tearing up. I visualize him on the couch Sunday mornings with a big " Good morning baby" and now nothing. Friday was his last day watching the kids while I am at work and I can't decide if it will be easier now or harder. It's weird to go from seeing someone everyday for 4 years to a couple times a week. I worry about how the kids will do not seeing daddy. Especially Kyler. What a mess. Me and the kids got our family pictures done though with just us so those pictures can fill the walls of our new "home". It is hard looking at them and not seeing his and Rhyan's faces too. But it is what it is and I have to get used to it. Luckily I've been able to see Rhy quite a bit really. She had a sleep over at my house last weekend and then I saw her this weekend a few times. I miss her like crazy and she tells me how much she misses me. Makes me sad :( I also wonder if me and him are being too friendly and if it might be confusing our kids. It's hard though to draw bounderies when for once, you start feeling normal again. But I can't live in a pretend world especially if it makes it worse for my kids. Who knows, too much thinking for me. We had to get rid of JayJay because I couldn't take him to our new apartment. How sad was that I can't even tell you. And now the kitty is going today. I hate feeling like I've lost everything but my kids because of someone else's decision. I want to feel like I can regain some control of my life again. In time I guess it will happen. Things have gotten easier so I hope that up is the only direction to go.

Enter..... Miss Beauty Queen

Ok so Brooklynn was in her first pageant on Saturday! It was a California Tropics pageant and just for fun. BUT she killed it!!! She took home 6 trophies! She won Cutest Face, Cutest Hair, Cutest Dress, Cutest Personality, Youngest Contestant, and... drum roll please.... MINI QUEEN 2010!! Can I just say I am the proudest mommy ever! We all couldn't believe it when they just kept calling her name! There were only 2 categories she didn't win! Her daddy was waiting on the side of the stage and was so proud! We just did it for fun and probably won't do anymore but we are so happy with how great it turned out! My little Princess Rhy got to come to and see her sister and I was so happy to see her! I miss her cute little face like crazy! Now that crazy things are worked out hopefully I can see her more. Enjoy the cute pictures of our little Mini Queen!

days go by...

So its almost been a month and I've watched the days come and go. Yes it'
s gotten easier but the pain is still there and still so real. I try not to think about it but its hard. One day I thought I finally had everything I've ever wanted since I was a little girl and the next day it was gone. I think that no matter how hard you try to let go, once someone has had your heart and every little piece of it, the strings are never really completely cut. We are getting along great and back to laughing and playing together but I wonder if its making it easier or harder. I'm so so sick of doing paperwork and trying to find answers to a divorce I don't want. It almost feels like I am aiding him in hurting me. Is that weird? I just don't know how to let go when I was so sure we were soulmates. I was so sure I found my knight in shining armor. When it turns out he's just another guy wrapped in tin foil. I'll keep going though. The days will keep going by and hopefully one day it will all just be a distant memory.