Inspire

Inspire: In-spire, verb : to influence, move, or guide by divine or supernatural inspiration.

Quite the word. Over the past couple months I have heard this word a lot but today I stopped and listened. It's funny that during this period in my life I have leaned on friends and family. For strength, courage, and hope. Yet it seems, they have leaned back for the same thing. I've been told quite a few times now that I have helped other people by going through what I'm going through. During the times my friends have helped me, apparently I have helped them in return and not even known it. Then today, the word Inspire was said to me. " You inspire me." Not you've helped me, but you've inspire me. What a word. And according to the definition, QUITE the word. I started this blog for somewhere to write down the thoughts that I was so scared to admit. But at the same time actually hoping people would read it and listen. I started it at a time when I had so much to say but no one I felt I could say it to. I was scared to put myself out there and be raw and real, but I did. And apparently, that was a good thing. To be told I am inspiring people by my words and my actions actually inspires me. Writing this blog has helped me so much. Helped me get some of the words out I wanted to scream but just couldn't. I put myself out there for everyone to watch bleed and heal. And because of that, my scars are healing. Like I said yesterday, I don't feel complete. But I am healing. And to know that in the process of that, in the process of leaning on so many people to keep from falling over, they've leaned back. And I in return, have held someone else up. I said before, I keep being told everything happens for a reason... And maybe part of the reason this happened to me was so that I could help others heal as well. I'm an amazingly strong person and to that I will own. I won't toot my own horn, but I am what I am. I have survived. I am now that woman who when the next challenge comes along I can say, I've conquored before, I will do it again. Change is scary, and starting new can be plain terrifying. But one of my favorite quotes is " You can never cross the ocean, until you have the courage to lose site of the shore." Christopher Columbus. I've started on a new path. I don't know where I will end up, or the many more hurdles I will jump, but I know now that no matter what comes along, I will get through it. With good hair and fresh makeup ;) Good night friends.

"In three words I can sum up what I've learned about life: It goes on..." Robert Frost

It still amazes me how much life can change in just an instant. One day life is normal and the next it has been turned upside down. It's been 5 months but life still is not anywhere close to being filled for me. I feel like I'm walking around incomplete. I'm walking around as half a person. I believed in my heart my soulmate had finally come into my life. I was happy and content. And although I'm really doing well and I'm quite happy, I'm not complete. I feel very empty. I keep hearing everything happens for a reason and it has happened because there is something better waiting for you. Well I hope that is right because I had what I thought was the best. Life may not have been perfect, and there might have been struggles, but I wouldn't have taken a moment of it back. Its funny how you can love so many things and then something like this happens and you dread them. Songs that make you run out of restaurants crying, places that now make you nauseous. And they used to be things that brought you so much joy. I often sit and wonder when that will pass. When I will be able to hear that song and be ok. When I will be able to drive past certain places and not necessarily feel nothing... but feel ok. I know life is a journey, and sometimes you have to overcome great hurdles to get to where your suppose to be, but I also know that at sometime it has to get easier. I have amazing children, and amazing family, and amazing friends. But now my amazing person is missing. I don't do well feeling half complete. I want to feel whole again and I'm worried that won't happen. Maybe I will find someone and they will make me happy, but I honestly believe that part of my heart will always be with this person. I guess I just hope that the person I end up with can understand that and accept it for what it is. Love me despite my faults. Accept that everything about us might not be the same. We may have differences and we might like different things. But that at the end of the day, we have each other. And the fact that we can laugh together, smile together, cry together, and live together is enough...