True Happiness

 There is no other way to spin this than say it simply... I am truly so happy. I'm on cloud 9 with where my life is at and I really can't remember the last time I was this happy. I just feel like my life has finally started to fall into place. I am FINALLY graduated!!! That's right, I may not have a master's degree, or even a bachelor's degree, but I finally have the Associates of Psychology degree that I have worked SO hard at. I am so proud of the fact that I made a goal and I accomplished it. Then, there is of course the fact that my family is back together. I never thought this day would actually come. I dreamt about it, but I didn't think I'd ever see it. And now, not only am I seeing it, but I'm living it. Even early on in our relationship 6 years ago I don't think I was as happy as I am today. Time is a funny thing. It super sucks when you want it to hurry up and handle what it needs to handle. But it's super amazing because it's always there when you need it to think, to heal, and to grow. And after this 2 years of nothing but time, it has made us truly grateful for what we took so much for granted before. I think we are both in a place where we are no longer taking advantage and it is making this so much better. It's amazing to be able to look at that other person and just be in awe that you are so blessed to have them. My kids are happy, I am happy, and he is happy. I'm at a point in my life where there are so many things I say thank you for that I can't even keep up. God is truly amazing and truly gives you what you need when HE knows you're ready for it. I wouldn't change a single thing that has happened. It gave us both time to grow and heal and realize that what we wanted was what we had all along. When you give up all the negativity and decide truly in your heart that you will only allow positivity into your life, you'll be amazed at what comes your way. So blessed, so happy, and oh so grateful...

Power of Positivity

 Ok so we are officially 1 month and 15 days into the year... and I feel AMAZING. I wrote just a couple blogs ago that this was MY year to sparkle! And damn it, I'm sparkling. Put on your glasses people because I'll be blinding people this year ;) It is amazing how much the power of positivity can change your life. I decided this was my year. I decided I was no longer sweating the small stuff and I was gonna just be going with the flow. And in just 46 days, it has greatly paid off. This week, I won our court battle with evicting the tenant from hell from our home, I get a surgery I've waited a long time for, and I got my family back together. What? you say! My ex-husband and I got back together and decided to move forward together, as a family, working through everything. Now, if you've been reading since the beginning you may ask why the hell would I do that. But the fact of the matter is, you can't judge my choices without knowing my reasons. Throughout the last 2 years we haven't honestly been apart and I think we both realized that we can't live without each other. We've tried, but we always end back up around each other. So, he took the final step of asking for a second chance at fixing things. Sometimes you just need time to figure things out, space to grow, and wounds to heal to realize what you had was what you wanted all along. Do I have fears? Of course. But as a good friend told me, there are no guarantees in life. Whether it be him, a different him, my job, even my life period, nothing is ever guaranteed to me.  All that I can do is continue to be grateful for THIS day and live it for what it is. I don't think I could be happier in life than I am right now. And that is truly perfect. Because if you wait for a day when you will be happier, you will only be miserable. I will continue to be positive, not sweat the petty shit, and keep sparkling on. For it is MYSELF that determines my happiness and the direction I go. Sometimes... you just leap.

Sparkling...

I have seriously been working on not sweating the small stuff since my post a little bit back. Consciously thinking if this will matter in a year; even 3 months. And can I tell you the difference I feel? There are definitely still stresses in my life and things I'm ready to see a resolution to, but knowing that there IS an end in site and in just a couple months it will all be a memory has significantly helped me to let things go. I wrote in January that I wanted this year to be different. I want this year to be MY year to sparkle. And here I am at February 10, sparkling. I have THE most amazing family and friends a girl could ask for. The support I get from them all warms my heart on a regular basis. I continuously get uplifting compliments about how amazing I am to people and how much I inspire some people to want more and I feel awesome about it. Next week I am finally having my surgery that I've wanted for 7 years and I am beyond excited. It was a hard decision to put that much money towards something for ME and not my whole family, but I figured at this point in my journey I deserve it. And the best, most exciting part of life right now is I graduate in 2 weeks. I decided to go back to school a year and a half ago terrified out of my mind. Would I be able to do it and be a single mom at the same time? Would I give up before I was done because it was too exhausting? But I didn't. I kept going through every stupid assignment and exhausting final, I kept going. Through the help and support of my friends and family with my kids, I am finally done. In just 2 weeks I'll have that expensive piece of paper I wanted so badly to prove to myself I could get. I do want to go back and do more but I think for now I'll just wait until life settles down a little bit. Enjoy my kids and watch them grow and go back when I have a little more time. I proved to myself what I wanted to prove and that was that I COULD achieve something I wanted without giving up. Here we are just a month into the year and look at all the things going positively in my life! When you decide to look at life differently and enjoy every moment for what it is, you start to reap the benefits. As my friend Crystal told me, I am not just shining this year... I'm gonna sparkle...

To my boys...

To Kayden & Kyler,
   There are days that I wonder why in the heck you have so much energy and why you can't just sit down and chill out and refrain from wrestling for 5 minutes. There are times when I think how weird little boys are and how much different you are from little girls. As prissy as I am, it's obviously hard for me to relate to bugs, dirt, skateboards, and dead rats. And there are definitely times I wonder why you smell so funny sometimes and not like flowers all the time like girls. But as I sit back and I reflect on all these things I don't understand, or sometimes lose patience with, I realize one day I won't have it anymore. One day I'll wonder where my boys are that use to be bounding through the house while you are out with your friends on a Saturday night. I'll wish I had mud to clean off my floors from your shoes when instead you are out on dates with your girlfriends. One day, you won't be home with me anymore but rather in your own homes with your own families. You two little boys bring so much joy (and dirt) to me and you'll never be able to fathom to the extent that I love you. Although some days I just wish you could do more for yourselves, I know that the day that you can and you need me just a little less, I'll wish you still needed me for everything. I don't understand why farting is so funny, or why you need to pee together so you can sword fight your pee streams, but I do understand that although I don't get the whole "boy" thing, I do love you more than you'll ever know. You two are my little men and I hope that I am raising you so that even when you are grown and old, momma will still have a special place in your heart. I have dreams and hopes for your futures that you experience nothing but success and happiness. I hope you reach every star you aim for and that you remember the light is on back home if you ever need me. So, for all the dirt, creepy dead rats, farts, and pee sword fights that I will surely miss one day, I will try and be just a little more patient with you as you are little boys. I love you so much and hope one day you'll read this and look back and think your mom did a good job. So continue to be little boys for now and drive me crazy, because one day I'll wish you were still here to do it. Love you Kayd and Ky... my little "prince charmings" always and forever. Love Mom