Sure Feels Good...

K so I have had a pretty fabulous weekend! My kids have actually been pretty good for me minus the whiney part. But that's what kids do right? I got to go shopping with an awesome friend ( love your face Wenny!) Saturday and then went out Saturday night and met a bunch of awesome new people. Then after a few select people were complete douches I actually got a pretty awesome apology from THE person who needs to be giving an apology. So my sweet cousin sent me this quote and I think it's totally true. “Happiness sneaks through a door you didn’t know was left open.” I'm meeting really great people and finding so much joy in such small things and its making such a huge difference in me not caring so much about all the shit that is being talked. I tell you what, you definitely find out who your true friends are during the rough times and who are just two faced bitches. And you know who you are. But I feel great knowing that I'm at peace enough with myself that I don't have to fight back or run my mouth. Because the good Lord knows I have a hard time keeping my mouth shut. But I'm doing a really great job of it. Anyways, love you all and have a great week!

“There’s a dream right behind these eyes, and she finds a reason to be strong with every tear she dries.”

Friends...

How completely 110% greatful (did I totally just spell that wrong??) I am to having such wonderful friends. Friends who are not just walking with me but carrying me through this time. You guys mean so much to me. Last night my super stupid awesome (kayden's words lol) friend Jeremy took me to dinner. It was wonderful to get a little break from the kids and spend time with someone who keeps me laughing. A friend who spends hours on the phone with me just to make sure I'm ok and I know I'm far from alone. It's nice to be with people who show me I'm far from worthless. Thanks Jer. It really meant alot. All my friends who keep calling and texting and emailing me just to let me know they are still thinking about me and want to make sure I'm ok. You guys are making me ok! Thank you so much for all the love and support you are giving me and my babies. It means more to me than you'll ever know.

“Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, "I will try again tomorrow.”

More reasons to smile

Stressed...

So the single mom thing is starting to really really set in. I know that I did a lot of it alone before because of his work schedule but holy crap. It's hard to realize I'm all by myself and don't have help. Like bed time, when the boys don't want to go to bed and won't quit playing and I'm so frustrated but there is no one there to help me. I have to try and get them settled by myself. Or when I'm so tired and just want to sleep so bad and Brooklynn won't quit crying. And I'm used to someone being there to help me so I can get some rest. It's hard. Stressful. And yet he has the nerve to tell me to quit feeling sorry for myself for being a single mom. Sorry I'm not parent of the year like you and can't do it all without feeling overwhelmed. Oh wait, your out enjoying life kid free while I"m doing it. I did the single mom thing before but never with 3 kids under 4. I guess this is where the "strength" comes in. "Anyone can give up. It's the easiest thing in the world to do. But to hold it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart, that's true strength" So guess what, I am gonna suck it up and do it because I CAN. But I promise you this, ever say that to me again while your out living your life, and I'll junk punch you so hard they'll come out your freakin mouth. Love you!

How to Stand...

It's 6:36 on Sunday morning. Once again I woke up and couldn't sleep. What an emotional roller coaster I am on. I looked at apartments yesterday and it was so hard. I feel so upset and sad and angry that I didn't get any say in any of these decisions. I lost my choice in everything. I didn't get a choice if my marriage ended, or if my family was torn apart, or if I lose my home, or if I have to move to some stupid small apartment. All these choices got made for me. I hate it. I want to stand on my feet so bad but I just feel like my body is glued to the ground. When I think I'm picking myself back up I just keep falling. I have faith and I know the power of everyone's prayers is helping but I just wonder when does it end. I know he said he'll never give you more than you can handle but at what point does he decide to start letting up on you? First the Andy situation and everything I had to go through with that and then more recently the death of my Aunt, and now this. I lose the life I thought I had so perfectly. When does it stop? When do I get my break? When will I get to just be happy? If God can create this choas then why can't he also put my heart at peace? I don't think I've been forsaken but I am angry at him. Right now I'm having a hard time seeing the footprints in the sand and it sure doesn't feel like he's carrying me. When will these tears quit falling and my heart quit bleeding so badly? That's all I want.

Missing My Princess

I miss my Rhy Rhy :( She's my little princess. Luckily for me... I GET HER ON SATURDAY!!! Yey!! I can't wait to spend time with her. I just hope she's comfortable and doesn't feel weird and caught in the middle of a dumb situation. I love you Princess Rhy!! Last night my two best friends were over keeping me company! I miss them so much! I am so happy for Tosha who is finally getting everything she wants and deserves!! She's gonna be a mommy!! I can't wait to see my new niece or nephew! I love you girl!

Happiness in the small things

How much happiness I am finding in the small things. Yesterday Brooklynn smiled for the first time. 3 whole times!! And it was the most beautiful smile I've ever seen. It brought me soooooooo much joy. And the thought of her smile is giving me a huge grin even right now. Its these small little "happy thoughts" as our family calls them that I dig into everyday. Or the "happy thought" of Kayden kicking me in the eye last night when he slept with me. Yes it hurt but how sweet it is to see them sleeping so soundly it just makes you smile! Today I read a quote that really got to me " I believe that you can keep going long after you think you can't." And its so true. I was so devastated a week ago and its been 7 days and look how strong I am already. Just like that song " I might feel defeated, and I might hang my head, I might be barely breathing but I'm not dead no. Because tomorrow's another day, and I'm thirsty anyway, so bring on the rain!" Happy thoughts people - Brooklynn's Smile. :)

Stil Chuggin Along...

Today I feel so strong. I know the prayers of all my friends, family, even customers are giving me the strength I need. I am so confident I can do this alone and am kind of excited to prove to myself I can be an independent woman. All the women who have shared their stories with me about going through the same thing and coming out so strong have given me such encouragement. The time I'm spending with my children is even more joyful because I realize now how you can lose things in the blink of an eye. They are making me smile everyday and I love it. I am so proud to be their mom! I'm even taking so much more pride in things. Like my house for instance. I like a clean home and always have but now I take such pride in keeping it spotless. I like making my bed and knowing it will stay pretty all day. I like having my kitchen nice and clean and my family room. Its just a feeling I can't describe. And while it might seem silly, its really helping me knowing it's MINE to take care of. And like last night, I went to bed for the first time without the t.v. on to block out the silence, and with all the lights off. And as I held my baby, I just felt so at peace. I just felt.... ok. I know today may just be a good day, and I know i'm going to have hard days where I am sad and down, but I can feel something inside of me getting strong. And I really like it. Miles of smiles today!

Reason's to smile...

Just When You Think...

What a curve ball life has thrown me. Just when You Think you have life figured and and you have everything you could possibly want its gone in the blink of an eye. Last week my husband left me. No explanation or signs just gone. And now here I sit sad and confused and left a single mom. I'm scared and nervous. But I am trying to tell myself this isn't an ending. It's a new beginning. It's very hard to do, but I'm trying my best. How thankful I am for the 3 beautiful children I have. My Kayden takes such great care of me. Telling me he'll go to the store with his pennies to buy me a new heart now that mine is broken. And my special Kyler who says "hi mommy!!" so excitedly that reminds me of the good things. And my little princess who I just look at and I can keep a smile on my face. How great these blessings are. One breath at a time, one step at a time, and one day at a time I will get through this. Some how I will. The amazing friends I have and the wonderful family are keeping me going.