Parole Hearing...

I know it's been a bit... over a month!! Lots has gone on and I have had so many feelings the last month, but for once, I was at a loss for words of how to say it all. Thursday I go to Andy's parole hearing and give my victim's impact statement. I actually have no idea what to say. There are obviously a million things I can say about what he's done to me and Kayden, but I don't want to put it the wrong way and seem like just an angry ex. The damage he has caused to Kayden is obviously irreversible. I can get my son help, and I can talk to him about his feelings, but the damage that has been done, has been done. There are so many times I wonder why these struggles have been put into my little boy's life. Is it my fault for getting pregnant by an idiot? It's funny that you go through life, and struggle, and fall down but as an adult, you realize it's just all part of your journey. However, when you watch your little boy go through it at such a young age it's hard to see that side of it. All I can see is why is this fair to him? What lesson is my baby having to learn from someone else's actions? I want to see my son grow and succeed into a wonderful man. And I'll be honest, I am terrified that the feelings Andy has caused him could put him on the wrong path when he starts questioning things as he gets older. I feel like I can only do so much to help him to succeed, and I am scared that if there is too much damage there will be things I can't fix. When I was 6 months pregnant I heard the song Fix You by Coldplay, and instantly I decided that was my song to the special little boy in my belly. And as hardships have come into his life I always think of this song:

When you try your best, but you don't succeed
When you get what you want, but not what you need
When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone, but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Tears stream down on your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down on your face
And I...

Tears stream down on your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down on your face
And I...

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you 

And that is all I really want... is to fix him... Perhaps writing this blog is what I needed to find inspiration in what I will say when I come face to face with him Thursday... The damage has been done Andy, and I'm left trying to fix the mess you've made...