I don’t even know how to start this... other than I give up trying to please everyone. No matter how hard I try, some people are just never going to be proud of me. No matter how much strength I show, or accomplishments that I myself accomplish, it will just never be good enough. I suppose I should stop trying. Maybe from now on I should just concentrate on being proud of myself. I feel like I’m always walking on eggshells around SOMEONE... And I’m really sick of feeling like that. I deleted facebook today. I hate feeling like I’m being babysat or like I need to be careful of what I say because I don’t want to piss people off. I wonder if those people I’m talking about ever sat back and thought about how much reason I have to say the things I do? I just sort of give up; I want to be happy now. I don’t want to be the same place in a year that I am in now. I want to be at a place where if someone is trying to make me feel like crap, they don’t succeed. I don’t like letting other people make me feel 2 inches tall. And if they are, it’s because I am LETTING THEM. Sometimes I wish I could remove my heart from the situation. Any situation... I think that having a big heart can be just as big of a weakness as it can a positive trait. It’s funny how hypocritical people can be and even when I KNOW that, I still feel bad. I hope today is just one of those days that isn’t as good as others. I hope tomorrow the sun shines and I feel better... 

Christmas Pictures

Princess Drinking Tea

Cutie in front of Papa's Tree

That's my Ky Boog

Isn't she cute!

He was so excited for his bat cave!

Lovin her baby <3

There's his big orange bike he wanted!

Jammin Out!

Sing it baby!

*~Christmas~*

     Well after a month of hype, money, and stress Christmas arrived and left once again. It was definitely a year of firsts this Christmas. Brooklynn's first Christmas and my first Christmas alone. It wasn't hard like I thought it would be. Which is a good thing I suppose since that reflects my growth from where I was. It was different that's for sure, but not miserable or sad. It was so fun to see my kids excitement Christmas morning. Watching them tear open presents and freak out because they were so happy. Brooklynn didn't quite get the whole opening presents thing but had fun all the same. She LOVED all the yummy food though and fun toys she got to play with. She had a complete melt down at my Aunt's house because her apple pie was gone. Pictures coming soon!! The boys had busy days visiting their dads and grandparents. I remember being little and LOVING running all over the place getting presents everywhere we went. I could never understand why my parents didn't love it as much as the kids did. Now I do... It's very exhausting!! I couldn't bring myself to take down the Christmas decorations yet. Usually I'm on top of that the day after Christmas but this year I'll wait until New Years I guess. All the decorations just make it so cozy. I really enjoyed the time I got to spend with my family and am so thankful for all of them making sure I had a special day. It was hard being away from my kids part of the day, but that's life now and is something I have to get used to. I'm excited for a new year ahead and the change that I will make happen. My mind set is finally in a different place and I am so relieved. I knew one day I would wake up and just be ready, and I finally am. I'm excited for 2011 and the new memories I will make. Anyways, I hope everyone had an awesome Christmas and wish everyone a Happy New Year!! Christmas Pictures coming soon!!!

Emotional Overload

     Well, he's out. Officially. I took Kayden to see him last night and hung out for a little bit to make sure Kayd adjusted okay. What an emotional overload this week has been. It is so clear that he has definitely been in prison. You can tell he adjusted to that lifestyle to survive. I left crying last night because it was so emotional. I haven't seen him in over a year and I don't know how I thought I'd react. I knew he would be Andy. But sometimes it sucks when you get exactly what you expected. It was so sad to me because I really do think he will go back. I don't think he's learned yet. It's crushing to me to know this is ALWAYS Kayden's dad. I'm just drained right now.... Then to get chewed out by the other one and told " you just don't listen!!" Well I wonder when he'll get that I don't need to be told what to do. I'm not asking for advice. Sometimes I just need someone to listen to me. I guess that is where this blog comes in to play. It won't yell at me or tell me I'm stupid or how I just don't get it. It will just let me write it out and feel better when I'm done. It just seems like so much has happened lately in such a short amount of time that I'm just emotionally exhausted. I have soooooooooooo many wonderful friends, but right now I feel really alone. No one can really understand how I'm feeling. My sadness, my fears, my worries. Only I know.... and it is really lonely. Maybe this is just what I need right now though... to be alone and work through my thoughts. I really am ready for things to slow down in my life and just be boring for awhile. All I know is my kids are my everything and its so hard to see all that they have gone through. It's even harder when you know there are somethings you just can't protect them from. You can only be there for them to pick them up when they fall.

New year.... New Start....

     Here 2010 is wrapping up in the last couple weeks of December. And how glad I am that it is almost gone. 2010 has undoubtedly been the hardest year of my life. Besides the birth of my daughter, not much good has happened. It's been one storm after another. And here I am, almost a year later, feeling like I wish I was as strong as everyone thinks I am. Change has to happen and I have to be stronger now than ever. I've held onto so much that needed to be let go so long ago, and it has held me back from moving forward. That hasn't been fair to me, and it hasn't been fair to people I've met. However, I'm ready to move forward and not look back ever again. Tomorrow is the day Andy gets out and I need strength now more than ever before. The last thing I want is to be vulnerable to anyone. I want to be strong and confident and honest from here on out. I am no longer holding back because I don't want to hurt someone's feelings. Its about time I start caring about my own feelings. I'm gonna be selfish and I am going to do what makes ME happy. I sit here and say how tired I am of how my life has gone this year but at the same time who else can change that but me? I need to quit being so scared and running from things and people who could be really great for me. I need to finally take care of myself. And as my friend told me today, once I do that, the rest will fall into place. I don't want to come up with excuses anymore for ANYTHING. As strong as everyone thinks I've been, I've also been incredibly weak and naive. And admitting that is embarrassing. 2011 is a new start for me. A new start for my kids. I want them to see their mom happy. And forward is the only direction to go to get there....It's time for me to blossom....

Adventures in Mommyhood Part 4....

*Tupperware Fun*

   

     For all of my Utah readers who drove home in that idiotic traffic on I-15 last night I'm sure you were all just as frustrated as I was. Why in the world was traffic not moving just to finally reach my destination and realize there was never even a wreck?! I didn't get to daycare until 6:00 but luckily I stayed pretty patient on the drive. However, Kayden needed to be to Rich and Lisa by 6:20 so I hurried as quick as I could to get him dropped off. Once I finally got the rest of my team home and fed I was so tired! But what I'm sure every mom can relate to is the fact that of course, there was cleaning and laundry that had to be done. I straightened up and went to throw laundry in and when I came back out Brooklynn had cleaned out my entire tupperware cupboard. As tired as I was, and as much as I didn't want to clean up anymore, all I could do was laugh. How cute she looked in her little diaper playing in all the bowls and lids. It reminds me how simple babies truely are. She finds such joy and fun in playing with measuring cups and tupperware. All I could do was smile as I watched how much fun she was having. At what point does life start to get so complicated? When do we stop finding the joy in simple things? Is it something we learn? Is it us, the parents, who are in fact teaching our children that bigger is better? As I pondered these thoughts I put Brooklynn and Kyler in the bath and didn't even care that they were splashing water all over my bathroom. Watching the sheer joy in their eyes as they had "deep sea adventures" took me back to being 3 years old. Nothing was better than getting wrinkly in a bathtub whose water eventually went cold from playing so long. When I finally got them out, I stopped cleaning. I stopped straightening up. I just simply sat with my babies and enjoyed the simple joy of holding them close; of cuddling them in their bath towels and tickling their bellies. If my kids can find so much joy in such simple things, I too need to find that again. Of course there is a lot to do. Laundry will never stop, and there will always be some cleaning to be done. But I'm sick of getting so caught up in making sure it's all done that I'm missing the simple joys of just being with my kids. Last night I was reminded of such an important lesson in life: never get too busy that you stop finding time to stop and smell the roses.  

1 Week Left...

    Well there is 1 week left until Andy gets out. To say I'm nervous would be an understatement. I'm scared for Kayden and how he will adjust. I'm scared for me for how I will adjust. It's funny how one day, just one small moment can impact the rest of your life. Every person you meet puts a footprint on your life's path. Whether they are only there momentarily or permanent residents, everyone holds a purpose. I never would have thought by just hearing " Hi, I'm Andy. Want me to walk you to your mom's car?" would change the rest of my life. What a rollarcoaster ride I've been on with this person. And now, because of Kayden, he'll always play a part in my life. I of course hope the best for him and that he can really straighten up this time. Are my hopes up?? No. But for Kayden, the precious angel who deserves only the best, I hope this was finally the last straw. I am hopeful however that I can be a stronger person this go around. I am not the same woman I was when he went in. I am more confident now than ever that I will not put up with the b.s. I also feel so much relief knowing that I am not going into this battle alone. I may be divorced now, but I have more friends now than I ever have before walking behind me. With old friends who know him and my situation, and new ones who don't, I have so much support. I already have butterflies and its a week away. I know that the day he calls me because he's out I will be a frazzled mess. So thank you ahead of time to all the friends I will call to help me relax when that moment comes. Thank you for your support and your understanding. I love you all!!!