Well... it's been a while hasn't it? Feels strange to be back blogging. Sort of like someone that runs away and then comes back and isn't sure where to start explaining. Odd to feel that way I know, but I guess you can't ever really explain every feeling you have. Anywho, Kayd has been back in counseling with an awesome counselor name D. He's an old guy that is so wise and knows just how to get you talking. It's been a long time since I've really opened up about all my feelings and anger and hurt regarding Andy. But somehow, D gets me talking about it in our 1 on 1 time every week before he talks to Kayden. He says to me, "Chelsea you're really angry still towards Andy." And I've said, "How can I not be? How do you stop being angry at the person that has hurt your child so much?" And he said, "It's hard.. but you have to try and forgive him or you will live with this anger forever." I told him, "I forgave him for every crap thing he ever did to me. It's no longer relevant in my life and it doesn't cross my mind anymore. But how do you ever forgive someone for hurting your child?" And he said something that struck me, "Chelsea you have realize he hasn't ever hurt Kayden on purpose. His addiction took over his life and, in turn, froze his ability to make loving and good choices." So, the last week I've been thinking about that. Can I forgive him? And the more I thought about it the more I realized I HAVE to forgive him. I have had so much hate and anger in my heart towards this person. His name makes my spine tingle, and thinking and talking about what he has done to Kayden gets me so worked up. The only way I can ever move forward from that and no longer give him a second thought is to simply forgive him. D was right... Andy has never hurt Kayden on purpose. He has never woke up and said, "Today I'm gonna damage my kid." But he has yet to find the strength and will power to move forward and let go of his addiction. So today, I say, Andy... I forgive you. I forgive you for doing the things you've done that have so greatly impacted my son. I realize that if you were not an addict and you were of right mind, you wouldn't hurt him. I know you love him to the best of your abilities and I pray one day you find the strength to overcome the addiction ruining your life so that you can fully experience real love. Does that mean I will trust him? No. Does that mean I will say, "Here, take Kayden and hopefully drive sober." No. My guard will forever be up and my first job will ALWAYS be to protect my son. But I forgive him. And the more I got thinking about it and how his whole family makes me so upset, I need to forgive them too. In all reality, we have so much more in common than they realize. Both of our purposes is to love and protect our child. For them, enabling Andy and thinking I'm the bad guy is what a parent's love sometimes does. I forgive them for the things they've said and done to me. Because I can relate... all I want is what's best for my son as well. Forgiving, and especially for such a life impacting thing, is not easy. And it will take time for me to fully stop thinking about the hurt. But this is my first step towards that goal. I can't have a full life of love and happiness if my heart is filled with any anger at all. Sometimes, the hardest thing to do in life is to let go, but always... it's the most powerful.
