New Beginnings

One of the greatest things about life is you can always get a fresh beginning. No matter how many ups or downs you may have been through, you can always start again. Sometimes it takes really bad circumstances to bring this to light, and other times really great ones. Either way though... you can always start new and pave your own way. When cards are dealt, it is up to you to figure out how to play them. Let me just say... I'm not one to fold. I will bullshit my way through to the end. I have never given up and I never plan on it. I hope that I am teaching my children that no matter what comes your way, or may try and stop you, you are ALWAYS the captain of your own ship and can decide where to go. Tomorrow is our big moving day and I'm so excited. I have a lot of great family and friends that are coming to help me and lots more I turned away because I've just gotten so many offers. It's a great feeling to KNOW, truly KNOW, that none of my friends or family will ever leave me stranded. Not one person in my life right now, will ever let me drowned. I wish with all my heart that everyone could say that and had the support that I do. It's sad that many many people don't. I know I've said it a million times, but thank you... Everyone one who has walked with me and continue to do so everyday. I am strong because you have made me strong. The amount of people who tell me how my blog has touched them is amazing. I am glad that although there have been rough times, my story has touched other people and helped in some way. I suppose if what I have swam through has helped someone else not fall under... then it was all worth it. I love you all and thank you!

Packing Day

Yesterday and today have been my big packing days. Although I still have a week to go, with school and who knows what other pop ups I could have with the kids, I just wanted to get it done this weekend. As I've packed I've just felt such a sense of pride. I know I've said it a million times, but I've come so much farther than I thought I would. I think that the first year, for me anyways, is the biggest struggle. To conquer that first bend in the road is a big success to me. I look around at these empty walls in my apartment now and I feel like I've achieved something great. This space was just a temporary. It served it's purpose and now we are going to a real home again. Who knows how many bends in the road ahead there will be, or who will come and go along this journey... but me and my kids have each other. This apartment was a never a home to us, but we as a family were the home ourselves. I'm not just proud of myself, but I'm proud of my children for handling all this change as well as they have. Of course they have their struggles just like I do, but they are still wonderful happy kids. I'm excited for our future. I'm excited for a new path for us. I'm excited that we are going to start another new adventure. It may seem silly to make all this huff about a simple move, but to a single mom, going to a house of your own is a big step. This is another big leap I am taking in my independence. My view of this road ahead for the team and I, has nothing but excitement and hope in it.  

Changes :)

     How crazy that yesterday was the 1 year anniversary of our separation. Do you know the best part about it? It didn't cross my mind once :) I looked at the date and said " huh." Nothing more... nothing less. There have been so many positive changes that have happened for me and the team in the last year, and on the exact anniversary of our separation, I found out we got the house we've been looking at. I was so upset that me and the kids had to move to an apartment and I'm so glad it's over. It was only one year of our life and it's done in 2 weeks :) I am a little intimidated having a house now without a husband. Luckily I have an amazing dad who has offered to help me out and some great friends who I know will be there in a flash. I'm so excited that we will be back into a house that we can make a home. It's a little old house that was built in 1940 but it is fabulous! The owner has done lots of things to update it and it is just perfect for us. Brooklynn will finally have her own bedroom back and thankfully so will I!!! The boys will have a big awesome bedroom PLUS a decent size play room. It's amazing how much good can come to someone who deserves it. When you finally stop focusing so much on the negative things that have happened, it's incredible to watch all the happy doors open up for you. Now that me and the team have finally gotten adjusted to our lives, and we will have a happy little house to call home, maybe we will be open to letting someone else in. A year later.... we are fabulous.... Happy Anniversary!!

My Own Success...

     There have been so many times through out life that I have just not felt good enough. Like I did everything backwards or possibly just failed. I wasn't sure that I would ever be able to make people proud of me, but I wanted it so bad. However, I sit here now realizing that BECAUSE things have gone so crazy for me, that is why people are proud of me. It feels so great to hear my parents say how proud of me they are. I grew into a strong woman and an amazing mother. To hear my friends tell me they look up to me and they think I'm incredible makes me smile. I feel like although the situation was shitty, I've proven so much to myself that I didn't know I could do. But never once, did those around me doubt that I could. They had faith in me and that faith gave me the push I needed. For them, watching me succeed has given them so much pride. It's a great feeling to know that I am not this giant failure I always wondered if I was. Not only have I not failed at anything, but I've taken every adversity thrown at me and made a positive change with it. How many people can truly say they have done that? My kids don't know much now about how hard I work for us, or that me doing homework all the time is for them, but when they get older they too will be so proud of their momma. I know that many many people have said to me, "Why do you care what other people think about you anyways?" but, no one wants to feel like they have failed their families. My older sister is amazing and has accomplished so much. I've always wondered how can I live up to all that she has done. But I can't. I'm just doing something different and I'm doing a great job at it. I know that I'm not a failure in her eyes by the encouraging words she has given me and the public recognition she puts out there of how proud she is of her baby sister. I choke up because I finally realize, I'm not a failure. I have done things differently...yes. I have even done some things backwards... but I have succeeded in all my own ways.

A Year Ago...

A year ago you shattered my life... A year ago I sat on the floor holding our newborn daughter balling asking you why you were doing this while you grabbed your toothbrush and walked out... A year ago I held my boys as they cried and asked me why you were moving to Grandpas... A year ago my soul stepped outside my body and I walked around in a daze...A year ago I wondered what was wrong with me that would make you leave...A year ago I was scared to death how I would provide for my children....A year ago my heart was shattered... A year ago I couldn't imagine how I would ever go on without you...
Today... I am living my life like it is absolutely worth living. Today... I stand tall and strong and have no doubts about myself. Today... I hold my children while they continue to ask questions, but now I'm better prepared to answer them. Today... I am better off financially than I have ever been... Today I am living without you and occasionally wondering how I could have ever actually lived WITH you. Today... my heart is on the mend and my wounds have turned to scars. Today... I am a strong independent woman that survived....