Refocus

So ya know those moments where you just sort of get a sense of clarity? Where suddenly shit just starts to click and you know it's time to refocus? Yep, that's where I'm at right now. It all use to be pretty clear to me and pretty laid out of what I HAVE and what I don't and where I'm at and being okay with that. But, thanks to recent events, my view seems to have become distorted. I'm stuck in this sticky situation where I know what I need to do and that it has to be done, but I just can't seem to bring myself to do it. And furthermore, even when I can feel it coming, I get pissed off about it. How much sense does that even make?? Why is it that I know what I need and what is best for me, yet if I think it's coming I get irritated about it? blah blah blah right? I'm probably not making too much sense. The whole point though is that I really need to sit down and refocus on my life and my goals and my happiness. There are things I want and places I want to go in life and the only person holding myself back right now is ME. It really is true that you are your own worst enemy. Life is never easy, and it is absolutely what you make it. You walk a path that only YOU can choose to walk. Blessings, hardships, love, and sadness all make it onto your path eventually but ultimately you are who decides how to deal with them. It's like back when I had my epiphany and I just suddenly knew there was no longer any point in stressing because the only thing I have control over is myself. Well, obviously that remains true. It is up to me to make hard decisions or not. To decide how I go forward. The time is now... No one ever said it would be easy right? Just said that it would be worth it. To that, I agree. Life may not be a cake walk, and things may not always go my way, but in the end when I watch my life pass by in my final moments, I want to KNOW and completely feel that it was the best ride it could have possibly been.

Why Why Why

It's funny that one of the most common words we hear out of children's mouths is "why?". I know that personally, I've said a million times, "Because. Stop asking why to everything." Whys from a child are for simple things like, "Why can't I have that candy? Why is the sky blue? Why can't I eat ice cream for dinner?" etc. etc. Yet as an adult, if you really sit and think about it, we are still quite constantly asking "why??" Except as "grown ups" we ask why to harder questions. Why am I in this hard position? Why did my husband leave? Why can't life just be perfect? It's funny though when you stop and think "why not?" Every obstacle in life is a lesson. Quite often, finding answers to why is much harder than we want it to be. I've decided that rather than asking why, what if I just said thank you instead? Easy??? No. However, if I hadn't been given all these obstacles I wouldn't have learned all the lessons I have and grown in such drastic ways. I read something once that said something like, take notice to why everyone says why me in negative situations but never why with every positive in their life. Made sense once I thought about it. I've never said "Why do I have so many blessings? Why do I have a stable job and a nice roof over my head? Or even why do I have money in my bank account? I think that we spend so much time focusing on why we don't have this or why this isn't fair that we forget all the positive whys in our lives. As I've gone through this rough little patch the last couple weeks it's brought me to the realization that it is up to me to change my frame of mind about my current situation. After all, most of the time your mind is your worst enemy. So, thank you for the struggles I've been given because although they have been difficult, I've also grown tremendously from the finish lines I have crossed. As I walked across my lawn tonight asking why me, I realized why not me? Perhaps God put these struggles in my life because he knew without a doubt that I could handle them. These are my cards, I can either fold or bluff my way through. And I for one.... don't fold.

Sometimes you find it in yourself....

So here I am again... finding myself falling. The worst part is it is all my own fault so the shame I feel is a gigantic weight right now. I think all I can do at this point is be honest because I feel like being at this difficult place in life lets down my readers. I hear so many people say how much my blog has helped them or how much they get out of it. So when I'm struggling or feeling like I'm failing, I actually really feel like I've failed you. My blog has told my story, my struggles, watched me in hard times, and watched me in successful times. So I think in my mind I feel like I shouldn't have times I struggle. My blog shows I'm strong... so why am I not right now? I guess I'm human.... and just like everyone else sometimes I break. Unfortunately, when I break I don't like to talk about it because I'd rather the world see this incredibly strong woman, than one who is struggling. So, today as I sat here holding my tongue on the roof of my mouth so I wouldn't cry (thanks for the tip mom), I realized maybe it is ME who needs to go back and read my blog. If other people get inspiration from it, maybe re-reading the things I've said before will help ME. So, I did just that; I went back and read a few. It's funny how sometimes you are just looking to be inspired, you are just looking for the answer, and you realize you've found it in yourself. It is important for me to stay positive, but it's also important for me to feel my emotions. I can't be scared of sadness or pain, I have to feel it and take it for what it is. I think I've gotten so caught up in being wonder woman and doing it all, that I forget that I am human. I'm not going to be strong all the time, sometimes I am going to hurt and be unsure of everything being okay. But I suppose that is the first step... recognizing that it's okay to be human. So, I apologize if I've let anyone down for being not so positive right now. However, please know that seeing that people all over the world are reading my blog and maybe, just maybe, feeling the same way, or continuing to get something from my writing gives me more reason to keep going than you know. I didn't start this blog thinking anyone would read it. And I definitely didn't think it would spread like fire and I'd have readers everywhere, but I guess it just goes to show, that no matter where you are, pain is real for everyone. Whether you live in Malaysia, or Texas, people's hearts break and people feel pain and anger but if this is the place where you can take inspiration... than I suppose I can find it here too...right inside myself.

That's Life

  The other day I was visiting with my friend and she said to me, "You are really strong and positive but you can't be that way all the time. It is okay to breakdown sometimes and FEEL." I think I have a problem with that. I DO try and be positive and find the good things in everything, but I start to hold myself to this un-human level of it not being okay to break down and get sad sometimes. It seems like every time I do, I feel bad like I need to explain to people that I don't usually do this and I'm sorry that I am. But it was funny today I took a little walk and I realized it's okay that I'm human. It's okay for me to get sad and have to feel my emotions. I don't like being down and I don't like having pity parties. Generally when I do they last about 20 minutes and I snap myself out of it. Look, life certainly has dealt me some blows, but life has dealt plenty of other people blows to. This is life... this is how it works. You have ups and you have downs. Not one single person is exempt from life's lessons. I don't think anyone thinks every lesson in life is fun but it creates your story. I guess I look at it like the life of a flower. A flower grows from a seed. The seed starts to grow and develop into a flower through water. That water isn't always from the nice sprinkling of a shower spray on the hose. It weather many thunderstorms to develop into the beautiful being it becomes. I suppose life works the same way. Your story starts with a life, the life has it's pleasant experiences from a hose on shower setting, but it has it's thunderstorms as well. Nothing is enough to break me. I will weather every storm and I will continue to grow and eventually my story will be a beautiful flower. The sun will always shine... after every storm there is calm.... I will find my calm...

Is that me?

If someone would have come to me January 1, 2010 and said, "Chels, put on your seat belt and hold on  because you are about to go for a bumpy ride." I still don't think I would have ever been prepared for the rollarcoaster I've been on since then. Thank God I have amazing friends and family that give me that lift I need every once in a while to keep going. I hear things like, "I don't know how she does it." "She is a single mom working, doing school, and raising 3 small kids and she's DOING it!" "She inspires me" and I sit back and wonder how they could possibly be talking about me. It seems as though the days I'm struggling the most, I hear these things that remind me, I'm doing it all for a reason. Perhaps I am learning an important lesson in life, or doing soul searching for my own reasons, but to hear other people say they are getting something off my journey, and reading my blog it reminds me all the reasons I can't give up. I heard in a song today "Little miss I give up... Little miss I'll get tough don't you worry about me.." and I couldn't think of words that fit me more perfectly. I can't tell you how many times I've thrown my hands up and said "Ok I can't take anymore. I give up." and then realized a few minutes later, "Oh no I don't... put your big girl panties back on and handle it head on." Anytime you think in life it can't get worse you better remember it can. Perhaps that's the reason I've tried to stay so positive is because I'm scared of worse. I hear these positive words about me and it lifts my spirits and actually inspires me that I'm inspiring others. But at the same time, it's hard to understand how I come off as this amazing person when all I see is a woman surviving. I'm trying... I'm trying really hard. I will never have all the answers and never know at what point things can suddenly careen off the path again, but I do know I've got my seatbelt on. I hope for the best, and I hope that happiness is in store for me, I think it's just hiding in places I'm not looking...  

Where will I sail now??

 If I've learned anything thus far, it's that just when you think you're headed in the right direction, a curve is sure to come your way. Why is that? I won't complain because this is part of life's journey; hurdles are thrown your way to see whether you will jump or fall. I find it funny that as one thing in life seems to settle down, another flares up. Well... the good news is that I'm unbreakable. And I'm not even saying that the current event would break me, but I definitely believe it is testing me. Will I keep heading straight, or fall down that rocky path? I finally get that peace of mind and can sleep at night because sperm donor is back in prison. From what I'm told, he won't even have a possibility at parole for 5 years. Finally, me and my son can continue on our path to healing without him jumping in every so often to cause more damage. But... just as that issue finally got resolved, a new one has presented itself. I'm lucky that I'm an optimistic person and realize challenges are ahead. But I also think I'm so much more involved in the healing process than I've ever been before. I know the direction I was heading, and I know where I'm going currently... Now, I just need to make sure that despite the hurdle presented, I continue doing as I was doing before. I truly believe that good things are coming for me and my family. I absolutely believe that up is the direction we will continue to go. However, now more than ever, my responsibility to myself is being tested.... But, this is my ship and I'm who decides where is sails.....

So... Is this one my fault too??

So, I found out today sperm donor got arrested for yet ANOTHER D.U.I. on Thursday night. (Yet he definitely didn't drive my son home drunk... right.) So anywho, looks like he's going back to prison for a long time and can I just say what a deep breath I was just able to take? Here I've been scared on a regular basis that he may come harm me and finally I can sleep easy again. So, I have to ask sperm donor sr..... is this one my fault too??? It's quite funny actually because he has always been able to find a reason why it's MY fault that sperm donor jr is in jail, or going back to prison. So... whatcha got??? lol I just have to say that yes, I wanted him to go back absolutely. But I also wanted him to go back for a reason that had NOTHING to do with me. Looks like I got what I wanted. It's funny because Karma is a bitch... didn't I introduce her just a few blogs ago? It was such an awesome day today because I also met with my attorney and my papers were being filed today. I'd love to see sperm donor sr have a case now.... ;) I am so glad he got caught and even more glad that this time my son wasn't in the car. At what point does someone learn? When do you pull your head out and wake up and realize what life is about?? I guess it really doesn't matter because he's created this path and continued to follow down it. How grateful I am that I realized a looong time ago that he was not what I wanted or needed in my life. What a sigh of relief knowing he is away for a long time and I can once again have peace of mind...

A Mother's Job Should Be...

Let me tell you what a mother's job should be....
1. To tuck her children into bed at night
2. Spray for monsters
3. Kiss boo boos better
4. Teach her children how to love and that they deserve to be loved.
5. Protect them at all costs necessary.
6. Feed them
7. Cloth them
8. Give them shelter
9. Make them feel special
10. MOST OF ALL... LOVE THEM.

Let me tell you what they shouldn't do. They shouldn't harm them and they especially shouldn't kill them. What a sad day in history today will forever be for that disgusting Casey Anthony getting off for murder of that innocent little girl. She was a little girl born with angel wings and of pure innocence and her evil mother took her life for who knows why. I can't imagine the look of fear in that little girls eyes when her mother hurt her. I am saddened and disgusted that this woman got away with murdering an innocent child. I knew from the beginning there wasn't enough solid evidence, but how sad that this little princess will never get justice for the life she lost at the hands of the person she probably trusted most. Here I am doing everything I can to protect my little boy from a dirt bag father, while this bitch just got off on murder. Well little Caylee, you should know precious angel that everyone in the world is thinking about you and how precious you were. Everyone didn't have to know you to fall in love with you. The world has been hoping for justice for you and I'm sorry that you didn't get that. May you rest in peace little princess and forever fly with angels.... God bless you Caylee Anthony.

Happy 4th of July!

 Happy July!! And even more... Happy 4th of July (in a few days anyways.). This has to be one of my favorite holidays next to Christmas. I love that it is just as much about the freedom we get to celebrate plus the families we get to celebrate it with. I can't express enough how thankful I am to our current soldiers and those from the past who give up their freedom so that me and my children can have ours. I am so grateful that I live in a country that me and my children can express our feelings, stand up for what we believe in, and make our own choices without the fear of being persecuted. This is just one of those happy holidays kind of like New Years that you can start fresh and welcome changes in your life in a big BANG kind of way. This weekend I plan on playing with my kids as much as I can and celebrating the fact that our little family has become so independent. It will be a change to not do a holiday celebration with their dad, but I think it's important for me and my children this time. When I look back at a year ago doing 4th of July fireworks all together, I don't feel like I've come as long of a way as I had hoped. I'm so open to changes though and doing things as just mommy and kids. It is nothing against him, because he is an amazing father, but at some point holidays will need to be celebrated separately and this is as good of time as any to start. I'm excited for the adventures me and my kids will have from now on just the 4 of us. It may no doubt be challenging at times, and cake walk at others, but if there is anything you know of me at this point, I'm all up for challenges! I'm grateful that I have amazing kids, awesome family, and fantastic friends to celebrate my weekend with. May the memory making begin....

Feeling Today: Liberated