What I've Learned Thus Far....

What I've learned thus far....

1.)    Hold EVERYTHING close to your heart, you can lose it in a split second.

2.)    Be thankful for what you DO have, counting what you don’t only puts you further behind.

3.)    A lot of girls will stab you in the back, but men obviously will too. If you have close girlfriends, never let them go. They are amazing to have and hard to find.

4.)    If someone gives you a compliment, simply smile and say thank you. Don’t deny what someone is telling you.

5.)    I’m WAAAAY more independent than I ever thought I could be.

6.)    When someone offers help… take it. Drop your pride and say ok. Especially when you need it.

7.)    When you don’t have your children and you have a few moments of time to yourself, it is okay to stare at the wall and do nothing but enjoy the silence.

8.)    Enjoy spending time with just yourself. You need to be your own best friend.

9.)    It is okay to be alone.

10.)   Your children will get you through the hardest times in your life.

11.)   Guys are just as bad at taking the WRONG message. It isn’t fun to be mean but sometimes you have to be direct, you don’t want stage 5 clingers. TRUST ME ON THIS ONE!.

12.)    Dating super sucks. However, every bad date you have gets you that much closer to a good one.

13.)    Try and be as patient with your kids as possible. They are struggling too.

14.)   Send love and peace even to the people who have done you wrong. Chances are, they are in a much worse spot in life than you are.

15.)     Don’t have hate in your heart. It’s a waste of perfectly good energy you could spend positively.

16.)    Forgive…. Forgive…. Forgive. It is true you can never forget, but ALWAYS forgive.

17.)   I’m an amazing person and I will never settle for less than what I can give someone else.

18.) Never EVER give up on your dreams. Only you can stop yourself.

Feeling Today: Amazing

 

Luckiest Momma Ever

 I am SUCH a lucky momma.... I feel completely and utterly blessed. I have these 3 amazing little children that were sent directly to me. For some reason God decided we would make a great team and he was so right. Last night Kayden rolled the garbage out into the street for trash day and I remembered I had trash to take out. I was walking it out and he said,"Mom let me do that for you. You shouldn't have to do everything around here anymore. I'm old enough to start helping out." Besides being ridiculously cute that he did/said that, the fact that my son, who is only 5, believes in his head without me telling him, that he should help out makes me the luckiest momma. He helped me with the trash, helped me unpack a couple boxes, and helped me fold laundry. And I didn't have to ask him even once. But we don't stop there... My adorable as ever, and recently 4 years old!!! Kyler has gotten sweeter and sweeter. When I ask him to do something or not do something else, he has gotten so much better at just saying "okay". Now, for those of you who know Kyler, you know he is just as strong willed as his mother. So... for him to just stop and say ok instead of turn everything into a battle til' the death is amazing. These 2 little boys that are in my life make me happier than I can explain. Not only are they awesome for these reasons, they are AMAZING with their sister. They are NEVER mean to her, always patient, and willing to do anything with her she wants. She can smack, bite, or pull their hair and they just say gently as can be, "No no Brooklynn, that isn't nice." Instead of smacking her back or yelling at her.... they love her. Kayden even said the other day, "Mom, I love Brooklynn so much that I would do anything for her. If she wanted me to swing with her, I would, if she wanted me to play tea party, I would. If she just wants me to cuddle her, I will. I just love her so much." I look at my life and the fact that I'm a single mom. I look at the events that have taken place and how unfortunate they seem. However, I sit back and I look at the bigger picture of everything God has blessed me with and I can not complain at all. I have so much.... and I am so thankful.....we make an amazing team.
Feeling Today: Satisfied

Super Motivated

 Next week I wrap up my second semester of classes. Let me tell you, there are days when I have to push myself hard to not give up. With everything else going on in my busy life, sometimes I wonder if I've maxed myself out. However, I sit and realize that by December I'll have my Associate's Degree. Perhaps not a big feat for some, but for a single mom, it's huge. Seeing how close I am to half way there, motivates me everyday. I am so proud of myself for going after what I want. I wondered when I started if I would be able to stay motivated with only myself pushing me. But I've done great. Perhaps it comes with all the other independent steps I've taken. I know this amazing woman who was a single mom of 5 who finished school. I see her and I know that if she could do it, I can too. It's great to know that in just a few years, I'll be doing a job I love. I'll be helping people and making a difference in the lives of others. I hope that I will forever inspire my children to never stop. Go until you can't go anymore. Let nothing get in your way and never give up on your dreams. It's crazy that it took a devastating life change to make me realize that I was always only stopping myself. I'm proud to be super momma. And I know my friends and family are proud of me too.... Feeling today: Motivated.

Shame on You KSL!

So I read an article this morning on KSL saying that single mothers are now less accepted by society than gay or lesbian parents. Let me first start by saying I have ABSOLUTELY no problem with gays or lesbians being parents. A loving home is a loving home. But this article made me soooo angry! The amount of ignorance in this article is disgusting. I'm not sure if KSL or "society" in a whole who has this opinion must be under the impression that single moms chose this life. Yes that must be right.... Because I had so much say when my husband just up and walked out leaving me in the situation I'm in. But, to say that we are "bad for society" angers me beyond belief. I suppose children living in 1 broken home where love doesn't exist MUST be better than a single mom who has love emanating from her every pore. I guess, a drunk alcoholic father who beats his wife and children is better than a sober single mom who could never raise a finger to her children. I am disgusted and angry at not only the fact that these statistics exist, but that KSL felt the need to put this crap in the media. Single moms are NOT bad for society. We are doing everything we can to survive in the situations we've been put in. I am a single mom who has plenty of single mom friends and we are ALL amazing mothers who love our children more than life itself. Not one of us as a little girl set out for a dream of being a single mom raising our children without husbands. However, we are WOMEN, and we handle anything and everything thrown our way. Perhaps an article should be written on the damage and effect deadbeat dads have on society instead. Shame on you KSL!

Greatest Position Ever...

So 5 years ago the man upstairs recommended me for this job.... I got hired on and it has been BY FAR, the most challenging job ever. I don't get raises or vacation time. I always work in 24 hour shifts, and breaks are far and few between. There are no medical benefits, but plenty of visits to the doctor. I don't get financial compensation but the benefits are AMAZING. I work with 3 little people who make excellent coworkers. Although they usually test my patience and keep me on my toes, they bring me more happiness than anything in the world. They call this position: Mom.
I can't even begin to put into words how much I love being a mom. It is the most challenging job ever, but there is nothing more rewarding. This evening has been so great with my kids. We played outside, went on a walk, and ate pizza in the family room for dinner. The boys couldn't believe we were eating dinner in the family room, and watching the joy in their faces in just a simple pleasure melted my heart. There are so many days where I am physically and emotionally exhausted from trying to keep up with the demands of being a single mom of three kids, but it's evenings like this that make it all so worth it. Watching my children run and play and take joy in spending time with ME is the best feeling in the world. Although I'm going to school to better our lives, if I never go anywhere else in life but being a mom, I will have succeeded. I truly believe I was meant to be a mom and have no idea how I possibly lived before them. My heart BEATS with the love that they fill me with. Knowing I get to kiss their boo boos better, tuck them in, give them hugs and kisses, and raise them into the wonderful people they are is enough to satisfy me for the rest of my days. I love you Kayden, Kyler, and Brooklynn. Never will you know how much you mean to me. I am so proud of who all three of you are and will always be here to support and guide you through life. When you are at school I miss you, and when you are sleeping, I dream about you. For always and ever I will love you....

Home Sweet Home

Home Sweet Home

   Well where to begin... This will probably be quite the post. To start, I just can't express how nice it is to have a home again. It's such a wonderful feeling knowing that the place I live, I actually want to be. When we were at the apartments I was constantly finding something to do so that I could leave and not have to be there. But now that I'm home... I could just sit there and stare at the walls. Our little house has the happiest feel to it and it is such a positive place. The kids couldn't be happier to have a big yard to run around and ride their 4 wheelersin. Change can be so scary... and moving into a house was a big step for me. But it has brought with it so much more happiness and such a sense of peace. I'm happy to be able to provide my babies with a warm homey house to live in. :)

  Last week was a rough week for the boys. Kayd seemed to do great all week at daycare and then Friday morning hell literally broke loose. The boys created absolute havic and it only began an emotional rollarcoaster that a whole slew of us are riding. It is absolutely heartbreaking for me to watch my kids go through what they are going through knowing they have no idea any other way to express their emotions. I was able to move some appointments up to get them some help but I can't express enough how gut wrenching it is knowing you can't fix what's happened in your kids lives. All I can do is continue to love them and give them what they need and hopefully lead by example. Watching my kids express their feelings in such a destructive way has really made me sit backnd re-analyze how I myself am expressing my emotions. First and for most, my sadness. Although time has passed and I haven't been really emotional in front of my kids for quite sometime, they did see it. Kayd has told me the reason he is so good for me is because he doesn't want to see his mommy sad anymore. That's a lot for a 5 year old to take on. He's trying to protect me and keep me in his little pocket just as I am him. You don't realize when you are going through things that your kids are picking up on everything. Second, anger... I am the first to admit I get tired and worn out and low on patience. I realize that when I yell at the boys they see that that is how we express our anger. However, I vowed Friday that that has to stop. I did pretty well this weekend keeping my cool with Kyler when he was acting out and it is quite surprising how much better they respond to a calm soft tone than yelling. I sit and I realize that my boys are having to retrain themselves on how to behave. As I ponder it further,I realize I too am retraining myself on how to parent. It's hard. If it's hard for me to get out of one frame of mind, I can certainly understand how it is hard for them. All we can do though is stick together and keep cheering our team on. Everyone knows my children mean more to me than life itself, and it's at this point in time that we need each other most. Just as my family and friends have held me up through this transition in my life, I too will hold up my children for as long as they need until they feel they can walk again...

Finding It Again

 I feel like I've gone backwards. I feel like I've stepped in exactly the opposite direction of where I've been heading. I'm needing to find that strength again that I found a year ago. For some reason I'm still struggling with certain things. The saddest part is that I don't realize what I'm doing to myself until others point it out and ask me "Doesn't that affect you??" I never think about it because it's just how it's been; it's how I've allowed it. But when it starts getting pointed out it suddenly moves back to the front of my brain for me to deal with. My dad told me last week that it's not that I don't have the strength to do it, because I do, but that I just haven't decided I'm going to do it yet. I guess I need to figure out that sometimes I will have to do without certain things. And really, getting those things from someone that isn't healthy for me only puts me backwards. My friend told me last week that I'll never find Mr. Right while I'm hanging around Mr. Wrong. And he's right... I have to stop saying I'm going to stop and move forward and just do it. Words are nothing when actions aren't backing them up. I KNOW in my mind that what I keep doing keeps me living in misery, and that getting past it will be rough for a bit but will make me happy in the end. I've been told I have this giant wall up, that I don't even realize I have. But I guess when I am remaining idle, it would make sense that I do. Somehow I have to dig deep and grab the strength that I pulled on before...

Asking For Help

 It's funny how once you become so independent you start having such a hard time asking for help. It's like I have amazing family and friends and everyone has made it so clear they will help me whenever I need it. So why can't I ever take it when I'm clearly exhausted? I'm trying to do so many things right now while trying to be a great mom and I'm physically and mentally exhausted. Why is it set in my head that I should be able to do it all with out a problem? Is it because their dad makes me feel like it's so easy and shouldn't struggle? Well that's stupid too because obviously he isn't here doing it everyday.... I'm tired... and worn out. I forget that I'm not super woman and sometimes I need to just say "ok" when someone offers. I love that two of my friends have told me this week, "Chels, if it's that hard to ask for help I'm done asking if you want it. I'll be there to pick those kids up so just have them ready whether you want it or not." How did I get blessed with such great friends? What did I do to deserve them? It's funny that a couple years ago I didn't have a problem asking for help ever. Now that I've become ms. independent I can't even seem to take it when it's offered. Somehow I need to convince myself that it's ok to need help. It's ok for me to not be able to do everything and getting worn out is normal if not expected. Physically I'm only 1 person. I am only 1 body and can't do everything by myself all the time. It's time for super momma to hang her cape up and start accepting help when it's offered and even asking when it's needed. No one is perfect and no one can do everything, I need to realize I'm not an exception to that rule.

Am I Failing??

Maybe I should be more careful of my title.... I suppose I know deep down inside that I'm not. And even more, that it might not have anything to do with me. But I can't help but feel like I'm doing something wrong. One of my kids is having an extremely hard time behaving at daycare. Last week was awesome and he rocked it. Then... off to Andy's he went for the weekend and came back a different child. He said somethings at daycare to a parent that should have NEVER come out of his mouth. To say I'm mortified is an understatement. I'm crushed. It's one of these situations that I feel like it's a reflection of me as a mother. If I am doing such a great job why would he ever act like this at daycare? Why would he ever say that?! Then I stop and try and remind myself that Chels... he's gone through more in his 5 years of life than you have in the 24 you've been alive. All the hard times I've had myself, he's been right there with me. Perhaps I need to start thinking of it like that. All the rough periods I've gone through, I've had a little soldier holding my pinky walking the same route. It's absolutely crushing as a mom to know I haven't had the ability to protect him from the hurt and painful experiences he's gone through. I want to take him and put him in a shell and carry him through his life protected from the harsh realities of the world that he may experience again. I understand he has to be angry and sad and confused with life in general. I just wish I knew how to help him understand those emotions. I have an appointment for me and him with a child psychologist in April, but I hate that it's so far away. I see how desperate my son is for help.... It makes me feel like a failure that I can't give him that help. I want to solve everything for him. I understand that the situation we are in is not my fault, but I wish I was more capable to give all my children enough 1 on 1 time to provide for both parents. The fact remains however that I can't. Where is that nanny angel when I need her to tag her into the ring???