I don’t even know how to start this... other than I give up trying to please everyone. No matter how hard I try, some people are just never going to be proud of me. No matter how much strength I show, or accomplishments that I myself accomplish, it will just never be good enough. I suppose I should stop trying. Maybe from now on I should just concentrate on being proud of myself. I feel like I’m always walking on eggshells around SOMEONE... And I’m really sick of feeling like that. I deleted facebook today. I hate feeling like I’m being babysat or like I need to be careful of what I say because I don’t want to piss people off. I wonder if those people I’m talking about ever sat back and thought about how much reason I have to say the things I do? I just sort of give up; I want to be happy now. I don’t want to be the same place in a year that I am in now. I want to be at a place where if someone is trying to make me feel like crap, they don’t succeed. I don’t like letting other people make me feel 2 inches tall. And if they are, it’s because I am LETTING THEM. Sometimes I wish I could remove my heart from the situation. Any situation... I think that having a big heart can be just as big of a weakness as it can a positive trait. It’s funny how hypocritical people can be and even when I KNOW that, I still feel bad. I hope today is just one of those days that isn’t as good as others. I hope tomorrow the sun shines and I feel better... 

Christmas Pictures

Princess Drinking Tea

Cutie in front of Papa's Tree

That's my Ky Boog

Isn't she cute!

He was so excited for his bat cave!

Lovin her baby <3

There's his big orange bike he wanted!

Jammin Out!

Sing it baby!

*~Christmas~*

     Well after a month of hype, money, and stress Christmas arrived and left once again. It was definitely a year of firsts this Christmas. Brooklynn's first Christmas and my first Christmas alone. It wasn't hard like I thought it would be. Which is a good thing I suppose since that reflects my growth from where I was. It was different that's for sure, but not miserable or sad. It was so fun to see my kids excitement Christmas morning. Watching them tear open presents and freak out because they were so happy. Brooklynn didn't quite get the whole opening presents thing but had fun all the same. She LOVED all the yummy food though and fun toys she got to play with. She had a complete melt down at my Aunt's house because her apple pie was gone. Pictures coming soon!! The boys had busy days visiting their dads and grandparents. I remember being little and LOVING running all over the place getting presents everywhere we went. I could never understand why my parents didn't love it as much as the kids did. Now I do... It's very exhausting!! I couldn't bring myself to take down the Christmas decorations yet. Usually I'm on top of that the day after Christmas but this year I'll wait until New Years I guess. All the decorations just make it so cozy. I really enjoyed the time I got to spend with my family and am so thankful for all of them making sure I had a special day. It was hard being away from my kids part of the day, but that's life now and is something I have to get used to. I'm excited for a new year ahead and the change that I will make happen. My mind set is finally in a different place and I am so relieved. I knew one day I would wake up and just be ready, and I finally am. I'm excited for 2011 and the new memories I will make. Anyways, I hope everyone had an awesome Christmas and wish everyone a Happy New Year!! Christmas Pictures coming soon!!!

Emotional Overload

     Well, he's out. Officially. I took Kayden to see him last night and hung out for a little bit to make sure Kayd adjusted okay. What an emotional overload this week has been. It is so clear that he has definitely been in prison. You can tell he adjusted to that lifestyle to survive. I left crying last night because it was so emotional. I haven't seen him in over a year and I don't know how I thought I'd react. I knew he would be Andy. But sometimes it sucks when you get exactly what you expected. It was so sad to me because I really do think he will go back. I don't think he's learned yet. It's crushing to me to know this is ALWAYS Kayden's dad. I'm just drained right now.... Then to get chewed out by the other one and told " you just don't listen!!" Well I wonder when he'll get that I don't need to be told what to do. I'm not asking for advice. Sometimes I just need someone to listen to me. I guess that is where this blog comes in to play. It won't yell at me or tell me I'm stupid or how I just don't get it. It will just let me write it out and feel better when I'm done. It just seems like so much has happened lately in such a short amount of time that I'm just emotionally exhausted. I have soooooooooooo many wonderful friends, but right now I feel really alone. No one can really understand how I'm feeling. My sadness, my fears, my worries. Only I know.... and it is really lonely. Maybe this is just what I need right now though... to be alone and work through my thoughts. I really am ready for things to slow down in my life and just be boring for awhile. All I know is my kids are my everything and its so hard to see all that they have gone through. It's even harder when you know there are somethings you just can't protect them from. You can only be there for them to pick them up when they fall.

New year.... New Start....

     Here 2010 is wrapping up in the last couple weeks of December. And how glad I am that it is almost gone. 2010 has undoubtedly been the hardest year of my life. Besides the birth of my daughter, not much good has happened. It's been one storm after another. And here I am, almost a year later, feeling like I wish I was as strong as everyone thinks I am. Change has to happen and I have to be stronger now than ever. I've held onto so much that needed to be let go so long ago, and it has held me back from moving forward. That hasn't been fair to me, and it hasn't been fair to people I've met. However, I'm ready to move forward and not look back ever again. Tomorrow is the day Andy gets out and I need strength now more than ever before. The last thing I want is to be vulnerable to anyone. I want to be strong and confident and honest from here on out. I am no longer holding back because I don't want to hurt someone's feelings. Its about time I start caring about my own feelings. I'm gonna be selfish and I am going to do what makes ME happy. I sit here and say how tired I am of how my life has gone this year but at the same time who else can change that but me? I need to quit being so scared and running from things and people who could be really great for me. I need to finally take care of myself. And as my friend told me today, once I do that, the rest will fall into place. I don't want to come up with excuses anymore for ANYTHING. As strong as everyone thinks I've been, I've also been incredibly weak and naive. And admitting that is embarrassing. 2011 is a new start for me. A new start for my kids. I want them to see their mom happy. And forward is the only direction to go to get there....It's time for me to blossom....

Adventures in Mommyhood Part 4....

*Tupperware Fun*

   

     For all of my Utah readers who drove home in that idiotic traffic on I-15 last night I'm sure you were all just as frustrated as I was. Why in the world was traffic not moving just to finally reach my destination and realize there was never even a wreck?! I didn't get to daycare until 6:00 but luckily I stayed pretty patient on the drive. However, Kayden needed to be to Rich and Lisa by 6:20 so I hurried as quick as I could to get him dropped off. Once I finally got the rest of my team home and fed I was so tired! But what I'm sure every mom can relate to is the fact that of course, there was cleaning and laundry that had to be done. I straightened up and went to throw laundry in and when I came back out Brooklynn had cleaned out my entire tupperware cupboard. As tired as I was, and as much as I didn't want to clean up anymore, all I could do was laugh. How cute she looked in her little diaper playing in all the bowls and lids. It reminds me how simple babies truely are. She finds such joy and fun in playing with measuring cups and tupperware. All I could do was smile as I watched how much fun she was having. At what point does life start to get so complicated? When do we stop finding the joy in simple things? Is it something we learn? Is it us, the parents, who are in fact teaching our children that bigger is better? As I pondered these thoughts I put Brooklynn and Kyler in the bath and didn't even care that they were splashing water all over my bathroom. Watching the sheer joy in their eyes as they had "deep sea adventures" took me back to being 3 years old. Nothing was better than getting wrinkly in a bathtub whose water eventually went cold from playing so long. When I finally got them out, I stopped cleaning. I stopped straightening up. I just simply sat with my babies and enjoyed the simple joy of holding them close; of cuddling them in their bath towels and tickling their bellies. If my kids can find so much joy in such simple things, I too need to find that again. Of course there is a lot to do. Laundry will never stop, and there will always be some cleaning to be done. But I'm sick of getting so caught up in making sure it's all done that I'm missing the simple joys of just being with my kids. Last night I was reminded of such an important lesson in life: never get too busy that you stop finding time to stop and smell the roses.  

1 Week Left...

    Well there is 1 week left until Andy gets out. To say I'm nervous would be an understatement. I'm scared for Kayden and how he will adjust. I'm scared for me for how I will adjust. It's funny how one day, just one small moment can impact the rest of your life. Every person you meet puts a footprint on your life's path. Whether they are only there momentarily or permanent residents, everyone holds a purpose. I never would have thought by just hearing " Hi, I'm Andy. Want me to walk you to your mom's car?" would change the rest of my life. What a rollarcoaster ride I've been on with this person. And now, because of Kayden, he'll always play a part in my life. I of course hope the best for him and that he can really straighten up this time. Are my hopes up?? No. But for Kayden, the precious angel who deserves only the best, I hope this was finally the last straw. I am hopeful however that I can be a stronger person this go around. I am not the same woman I was when he went in. I am more confident now than ever that I will not put up with the b.s. I also feel so much relief knowing that I am not going into this battle alone. I may be divorced now, but I have more friends now than I ever have before walking behind me. With old friends who know him and my situation, and new ones who don't, I have so much support. I already have butterflies and its a week away. I know that the day he calls me because he's out I will be a frazzled mess. So thank you ahead of time to all the friends I will call to help me relax when that moment comes. Thank you for your support and your understanding. I love you all!!!

Meant to be ....Then

     I heard a song today that said something like " we aren't meant to be, but we WERE meant to be then." How right that is! I have had 2 men in my life that I have cried over and wondered if this is what the plan was for me, why did you bring them into my life?? Just to torture me? But no, we WERE MEANT TO BE while it happened. I have the 3 most beautiful children a mom could ask for. And without those men, they wouldn't be here with me. It's funny that when I went through my breakup and divorce all I wanted was for them to be miserable. For them to hurt and cry and see what it was like to not be okay. And there were times, that I did get just what I wanted. But it didn't do anything for me.... All it did was make me wish they were okay. Now that I have healed from the wounds of those relationships all I want is their friendship. I am soooooooo grateful that me and Lar are so close. That we still are such great friends and can do things together and do things as a family. And it's so wonderful to know I am loved. He would do anything for me as would I him. It's just not the kind of love that makes a marriage work. I'm thankful that he makes sure I'm taken care of and that if I need help with something, he never hesitates. Now, Andy gets out soon.... and all I hope for is that we can be friends. I know that it is quite possible that that will never happen. That we will never be able to be friends. But I still hope that for Kayden, we can get along and show Kayden what matters most is him. Not his mom & dad's emotions. I know that Andy loves me and that it may not be a healthy love and it may not be reciprocated back, but I hope in that love, he can just give it knowing it is what it is. Give it in an appropriate way knowing that it is what is best for Kayden. I would be lying if I said I'm not scared of what will happen when he gets out. Because I am. But I also know I'm not the same woman now as I was when he went in. So I hope that that can give me the confidence I need to be strong with myself and the boundaries that are best for my family.... That's all for now :) Lamb Chops and Polka Dots! <3

May You Forever Fly With Angels

To My Dearest Aunt Denise,
  It has been 1 year today since you left us. And who would have thought in just 1 year how much life can truly change. It seems like in just 365 days I had to learn how to readjust to everything. How to readjust to life. I will never know why you left only that I have missed you. But I know how many times I have felt you with me. From the birth of my daughter, to the many nights I cried myself to sleep. Perhaps you simply became one of MY angels. The memories of you that I cherish so much will forever fill my heart. I know how proud of me that you are and I know without a doubt you have held my hand through this entire year. I hope that you have found the peace that you so desperately must have longed for. Our whole family will forever have a gap where you once were. One of the last memories I have of you was at Great Grandpa's funeral when you were rubbing my belly. You said " I hope your daughter is just like you!" hahaha well, she is! She looks just like me and already has a prissy attitude some days. But oh how much I love her. I know you are here with me on a regular basis and I know without a doubt you were there when I gave birth. Thank you for walking my beautiful angel into this world. As my tears fall I can only smile because of how wonderful that you are and always were. From the memories of shopping or cherries, to water parks and Disney World. You will always fill my mind. I love and miss you dearly. May you continue to rest in peace and forever fly with angels...

Week 1..... down :)

 Well I survived my first week of school!! And it wasn't nearly as bad as I thought it would be. I was super worried I wouldn't have good time management skills to be able to do it successfully. However, I did great!! I was even ahead on my assignments before they were due. I have 1 grade back so far and it was an A-. Which actually peeves me a little bit. I'm really going to try hard for a 4.0 and I can't get that with A- grades!! I was able to balance home and being mommy with work and school extremely well. I just did a lot of work on my lunch hours and after the kids went to bed. I know it's only one week down but I'm hoping I can continue at the same pace until I finish :) I'm just trying to stay motivated and not let anything distract me. I've gotten some great advice from a great friend who went back to school as a single mom of 5 kids and finished all the way through her doctoral degree. What an inspiration she is to me. I want to do what she does and kick ass just like her!

One of those moments....

Today I had one of those little moments where something sparked a memory in my mind and the inside of my chest stung for just a moment. It was a band playing that reminded me of a song that reminded me of a memory.... But I can say, I'm glad that now days its just a moment. It's not a month, its not a week, its not even a whole day anymore. It's just a moment.... I suppose I will have these moments for the rest of my life. But I guess that means that it was real and it was good. Which is better than it being real, and hell while it lasted. I've come so far since February 11. But there will always be those moments.... And I know in these moments, that I can smile once they passed because I survived and I lived again.... :)

Adventures in Mommyhood Part 3....

 I'm just at a loss right now.... The boys are being super naughty at daycare and it's crushing me. We have our struggles at home there is no doubt about that. But their behavior at school is purely shocking me. This parenting thing truly is the hardest job I've ever done. All you want as a Mom is for your children to grow up and succeed in life. To come out okay. To survive in this world that can sometimes be very hard. I know they have been through a lot Kayden especially, but I just wish I knew how to help them. I'm sure that they are sad and angry, but its hard to get a 3 and 5 year old to sit down and communicate their frustrations. And they aren't just not communicating with me, they aren't communicating with their friends either. Poking your friend in the eye with a fork because he took it from you is hardly the way I want them communicating. I just want to be super mom and know how to do everything. How to do it all right so they don't grow into criminals. I love my children so much and would do anything I could to help them. I am looking into some counseling to maybe help them process things and I guess thats where I start. I'm using every resource I can to help them and I guess that's really all I can do. I just wish I could make it better. I saw how awesome I was doing and how much I have healed and assumed my kids were fine too because they don't talk about it. I guess assumptions are a bad thing. I know I'm a good mom and I know my kids really are good kids, I just wonder what I could be doing better.....

~*Holiday Time*~

Well it's that time of year again! Time for family, food, chatter and the warmth of the holidays. I LOVE this time of year!! I love all the holiday smells, the family time, the lights, the chaos in the stores, the music. I love it all!! This year will definitely be different for me and the kids when it comes to the holidays. The thought of not having all my children on the holidays is devastating but something I will have to learn to adapt too. BUT, this was our chance to start new. To begin again.... And with that comes new experiences. I know that the holidays won't be bad, they will just be different. But I don't necessarily think that different is always a bad thing :) I'm looking forward to making new memories with my children this year. Starting new traditions, spending extra special time together, and being so thankful that we have each other. Given our situation we could be so much worse off than we are and for that I'm so grateful for what we have. I'm thankful that I can give my kids a good Christmas and I am grateful that I have them to celebrate with. I hope to teach my kids more about the true meaning of the holidays this year instead of material things. I want my children to cherish our special holiday memories for the rest of their lives. Yes.... it will be different this year.... but to that I say Cheers! Bring on the change! Let us celebrate in a new way! To new memories, new friends, and lots of love.... I wish EVERYONE a wonderful holiday season no matter what you celebrate.

Satisfied.... :)

When I started this blog I titled it "Life's Little Journey... Learning to Live Again". Well, how proud I am to say that I have finally done just that. Learned to live again. I have never in my life been so proud of myself as I am now. I feel like I am right where I need and want to be RIGHT NOW. :) When my husband left I felt like my whole world crashed. And I guess it sort of did. But in my head I thought I had lost my family. What did I have left now?! And I realized a couple months ago that I didn't lose my family... I lost my husband. I have my family and how great they are. I am fully fullfilled with where I am at right now. That healing finally happened and I feel amazing. I honestly wondered if I would ever get to this point, but I did. I stopped surviving, and started living. And it feels amazing. I have amazing friends, wonderful children, and a super supportive family. I got the closure I needed at a weird time but none the less, I got it. I now count the blessings I do have everyday and thank god for them. I start school Monday and have incredible support from everyone and am so excited. For now I am concentrating on me and my children and school. The rest can wait. I'm where I WANT to be for now. I love my children and think its great for it to be just us for awhile. I didn't lose my family... I get to hold them and love on them everyday :) It might not be the traditional family, but we are FAMILY. And we are happy... Thank you to EVERYONE who reads my blog and gets something out of it. I love knowing people care and are curious about how we are doing. Thank you to my amazing friends and family who have supported me and gotten me to the point that I am at. I not once walked alone through this, there were always MULTIPLES of you walking with me. You guys never let me and my kids feel alone but instead surrounded us with an abundance of love. Thank you. We are truly grateful.

Girls Night

Tonight has been so fun! It was just me and Brooklynn having a girls night. I can't tell you how much I love this girl!! How blessed I am to have her as my daughter. She is wayyyyyyyy too smart! She was looking at the family picture while we were sitting on the couch and she said " daddy" and I said " Nope daddy isn't in the picture is he??" and she says " Uh oooohhh" and hugs me!!! Then she wanted her binky so I told her to say please with sign language and showed her by rubbing my chest. So she stops, reaches over, and rubs my chest! lol Little smarty pants! Then she just laughs at me. Then she wanted my phone while I was laying on the floor so I hurried and put it under the pillow I was lying on. So she crawls her little but over, sticks her arm under the pillow, takes the phone and crawl off laughing. Funny little sense of humor she has. How much joy this sweet angel brings me! How was our family ever complete before her??? I love you Boo! You've kept me laughing all night! 

~Love My Friends~

Me and Jenna 

 I SUPER love my friends!! My friend Jenna is going through a similar situation of what I went through. I can't tell you how nice it is to have someone who knows exactly what you're going through. We lean on each other for support daily. We hold each other through tears, we laugh together, drink together, we help each other with the kids. It's like her and Aijla are part of our little family. My kids adore her and Aijla adores us. It's great to have that support from each other. Her and Aijla came over for dinner last night and it was so fun. We keep her busy so she doesn't think about sad things. And she helps me with my boys. I love that she isn't afraid to correct them when they are naughty. :) It's always nice to have another parent around helping me out. My boys love to be around her and were so funny telling us last night what they are going to do to her ex! " I'm gonna put his head in a toilet!! eww gross lol" " Well I'm gonna stick his head in the garbage!!" lol It kept us laughing. From my experience this last year the most helpful thing for me were my friends and their support. I will never take for granted how awesome all of you are and how much you mean to me. Never in my life have I had such amazing friends. It's truly amazing how the right people always seem to come into your life at the right time. I never ever doubt that what is meant to be is meant to be and when things are suppose to happen they do. We love you Jenna Bean and Aijla!! You're part of our family :)

Adventures in Mommyhood part 2....

So this weekend I'm just going to be honest. My kids drove me NUTSO!! I had like the worst day on Saturday for some reason and of course my kids could feel it. So they fed off my crap attitude and were terrors!!! Or maybe it was just that I was in such a bad mood that they seemed worse than they were. I don't know but either way I was losing my mind. Thank god Saturday evening Jenna came over and took over. I love that my friends will come be mommy for me when I'm struggling and need help. Sunday they went with their dad so I could get a break. And it was nice. But.... I miss them soooo much. :( Lar kept them over night and the point of that was so I could get some good sleep. So how does it work out that I slept horribly?? I couldn't hear Brooklynn breathing and Kyler didn't run in my room and sneak in my bed. And it super sucked. I'm not a perfect mom. And I will never claim to be. I think every mom always has room for improvement. And its the times after I get mad at my kids that I feel the worst. They are just kids. Doing exactly what kids are suppose to do. I love my babies so much and can't wait to get home and love the crap out of them. Nothing in life makes me feel more fulfilled than being their mom. Making them dinner, kissing their owies, tucking them into bed, cuddling with them, and of course, giving them lots of hugs and kisses is what makes me happy. I hope they forgive me for my bad attitude on Saturday. I love you guys so so so so much and am sooooooooooooo proud to be your mommy! <3

Make Em Proud!!

So I'm very excited right now!! I'm going to start back at school!! And I don't have as much time left as I thought!!! I love school and it's time I quit putting it off and finish up! I have had excuses for the last 3 years of why I haven't continued on, but excuses are like assholes, everyone has one. Doesn't matter how valid they have been, they have held me back. I'm ready to make my kids, family, & friends proud. I'm ready to finish up and start a career!! I want to be able to make my children proud of their mom. I want to teach my kids that no obstacle is too big that it can't be over come! So.... I'm goin back!! I meet with my Academic Adviser tonight and I'm so excited! I would be lying if I said I'm not nervous. I definitely am. Being a single mom and trying to juggle work AND school will be a challenge. But I'm up for it. I'm doing this for all of us. :) Wish me luck!!

~*My Spaghetti Momma*~

Little Miss Brooklynn has quite the appetite!! She can eat just as much as her brothers!! How is she staying so tiny??? Here are some pictures of my little Spaghetti Momma!! She looks like a pumpkin with blue eyes!!

The Pictures I Promised

I haven't put up pictures of the Kidlets lately so here ya go :) Feast your eyes on my beautiful children :)

Kayd's Fishing Adventure:

 Happy Halloween :)

My Ky Boog!!! <3

 Kayden Loves Taking Pictures!!

 Chuckie Cheese Adventure

 How hilarious is this!!!

Yes I stuffed her in her toy bucket! She didn't want to help clean up her toys So..... She became one of her toys.