Control

I truly believe that behind every fear is control. What the true fear is boils down to the fear of having no control. If you are being mugged, you are scared because you have no control of someone taking your things. If you are being raped, you are scared because you have no control over what someone is doing to your body. If someone is trying to kill you, you are scared because someone else has control over your life at that moment. It all boils down to control. And right now I am figuring out that that is what I am truly scared of right now. It's not the unknown I am scared of right now. It is having absolutely no control over someone Else's' feelings towards me. Knowing that really, there is nothing I CAN do. I just have to be patient and be me. And hope that that is good enough. And to finally have a light come on in my head that tells me that is what the anxiety is really boiling down to helps calm my mind. It's a scary thing having anything of yourself in someone Else's hands. And maybe that is the other part of my problem. I am putting too much of my happiness in someone Else's control. I need to make myself happy and what happens after that is just up to the gods. You wait and you wait and you wait to hear those words. Those small words and you hear them and you react exactly opposite of how you thought you would. I didn't expect it to give me so much anxiety and panic but it did. And it's all because I can't control any of it. Time is all that will tell. I just have to be calm and remind myself that no matter what the outcome of the situation, I can be happy. I will be me no matter what direction my life goes. The core of myself will not change. Maybe this is my true test right now. To be ME and no one other than ME for myself but hope that it is sweet enough to benefit someone else. Oh I feel so much better......