Acceptance

I believe that divorce or an ending in a relationship like it is truly a loss. Such as a death of a loved one, you grieve. And just as there is a grieving process in the loss of a loved one, so is there with my divorce. I think I have cycled through the 5 stages of grieving and finally come to the end. The 5th step: Acceptance. It started with Stage 1: Denial. I couldn't imagine this had happened to me. There was no possible way that the love of my life had done this. It HAD to be a phase. Something he was going through. Lack of sleep, depression, stress, money, work. It had to be ANYTHING but me. Because we were so in love. Plus everyone said, he would wake up one day and snap out of it and we would be fine. Just give him space and time. And I truly hoped and believed people were right. He'd come around. Stage 2: Anger. I was pissed. After everything we had been through, he would just turn his back and walk away? After we started this family?! 4 kids?! He promised me he'd never hurt me. He made vows to me through thick and thin. Did that mean nothing? I mean how could he tell me everyday he loved me, bring me flowers on a regular basis, text me just to say he missed me etc. And now this?! How dare he do this to us! Break up the family we started together and leave me doing it alone!! Stage 3: Bargaining. Well, maybe I'm just not doing something well enough. I'm not into the same things as him. I'll start making it right. I'll do favors for him, I'll show interest in the things he likes. Something will work. I've just got to change me. I'll be sweet, and caring, and help him out. Stage 4: Sadness. Everyone has been wrong. He isn't coming back around. He isn't snapping out of it. I've tried to talk to him and see if something can work. And it just isn't. It's over. It happened.... and there is nothing that can change it now. Stage 5: Acceptance. This is where I am now. This has been far from easy. The hardest thing I've ever gone through in my life probably. But it happened. Despite how many people feel at this point, he is a good person. He is a wonderful father and still for the most part, wonderful to me. I've accepted the fact that we aren't going to be together. And I wouldn't want him to come back because of the kids. I don't want to be insecure the rest of my life wondering why he is there. It's just done. And although it has hurt, and I have cried, and I have screamed, and I have broken stuff, I have come such a long way. The wheels of life are spinning and there is a plan for me. And whether we are together in a romantic relationship or not, we are a family. And to both of us our kids are what is number 1. And I hope that we can continue to do things as a family and show our kids how much WE love them TOGETHER even if we aren't together. Sometimes things don't work out for one reason or another. And this was one of those things I guess. But I have accepted what has happened. And because of that, I think I am in a much better place. Ya know, the facts are that our relationship started with a bang. And it just moved faster than the speed of light. Ya know we both started with 1 child, and in a little less than 4 years we had 4. We never had time for each other and I think as hard as we tried to not become a statistic, we did. We were devoted parents and put everything into taking care of our kids, but NOT nurturing our relationship at the same time. Things kept piling up and eventually that pile came tumbling down. It is what it is at this point. Anger and sadness and heart ache aside, it is what it is. I can't quit playing this song lately called "The Heart of The Matter" sung by India Arie. She did a remake of it. I just relate. Here are the lyrics. Everything but the first paragraph feel like the words taken from my lips.

I got the call today, I didn't want to hear
But I knew that it would come,
An Old True friend of ours was talkin on the phone
She said you found someone

And I thought of all the bad luck, and the struggles we went through
How I lost me, and you lost you
What are all these voices, outside love's open door
Make us throw off our contentment and beg for something more

I've been learning to live without you now
But I miss you sometimes
The more I know, the less I understand
All the things I thought I knew, I'm learning them again

I've been trying to get down, to the heart of the matter
But my will gets weak, and my thoughts seem to scatter
But I think it's about, forgiveness, forgiveness
Even if, even if, you don't love me anymore

These times are so uncertain, there's a yearning undefined
And people filled with rage
We all need a litter tenderness, how can love survive
In such a graceless age

And the trust and self-assurance that lead to happiness
Are the very things we kill, I guess
Pride and competition cannot fill these empty arms
And the work they put between us, you know it doesn't keep us warm

I've been learning to live without you now
But I miss you, baby
The more I know, the less I understand
And all the things I thought I'd figured out, I'm learning them again

I've been trying to get down, to the heart of the matter
But my will gets weak and my heart is so shattered
But I think it's about forgiveness, forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore

All the people in your life who've come and gone
They let you down, you know they hurt your pride
Gotta put it all behind you cause life goes on
You keep carryin that anger, it'll eat you up inside

I want to be happily ever after
And my heart is so shattered
But I think it's about forgiveness, forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore

I've been tryin to get down, to the heart of the matter
But the flesh gets weak, and ashes will scatter
So I'm thinking about forgiveness, forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore