Sheer Frustration

 Talk about one of THE HARDEST THINGS I'VE EVER DONE!!! It's amazing how you wait and wait and wait for something and then you are the first one to contemplate just throwing in the towel. Just saying, screw it I'm not doing this. That's about how I feel right now. I don't think it's fair at all to have to hang myself out to dry to help someone else "figure out themselves". That just isn't fair. I'm angry because I feel like for the past 4 years I wasted a lot of time with someone who wasn't even sure of what they wanted when I could have been with someone who loved me with all of their heart. I feel like everything I've known and loved so deeply was a freakin sham. That although my children have never been in question through this process, that in a way, they were screwed too. We could have had a family with someone else who did want to be there. I'm just angry. And it took a lot of losing sleep last night, laying awake to convince myself that it isn't fair to my children to give up so soon. And that is who all this is for anyway. I have come so far in 9 months its amazing to me. Read back from the beginning and you will agree I'm sure. I finally feel like I know what I deserve. And I absolutely deserve real love with someone who adores me. I deserve to be happy in a relationship. I'm not saying my happiness relies on anyone else by any means. I AM happy with who I am at this point in my life. I've learned so much about ME. But I do want to share that happiness with someone else. No one enjoys being lonely. For now, I will keep going. I will continue moving forward and putting in the effort, I just hope I don't end up going backwards.