What a journey...

 So I was thinking today about my life a year ago... well almost a year ago. And it made me sad to think of how truly sad I was. As the memories passed through my mind, it was almost like watching the movie of my best friend and hurting so much because of how she hurt. Realizing that Brooklynn is 1 years old I can see that the last year flew by. But at the same time, it seems like it is an eternity because of this journey I had to take. I think back to how I felt then and how often I just felt like a body walking around without a soul. His words took the smile from my face, and the life from my body. I functioned for the sole purpose of being a mother. Other than that, I was nothing... To know that, and to remember how real that pain was really makes me tear up. Not because I'm sad NOW, but because of how much it hurt then. I don't even remember how many days I cried before I finally hit one that I didn't. Or how many nights I slept with all the lights on and the t.v. blaring because I was terrified of the silence. I am so glad I left that house and got an apartment. That was the best decision I made. Escaping that house of pain was honestly my first step towards healing. As I think back to the beginning, the journey I've taken seems like a lifetime. All the little things I had to do to keep smiling and continue functioning are what saved my life. It is truly crazy how much life can change in just a heartbeat. I know I've said that a million times in this blog but it is true. These wounds have finally started to close up and become scars, but they are still there. I do great and I feel great. But there continue to be days once in awhile that I just don't understand it. It's weird that I do look back at it as if it is someone else's life. I know that sounds crazy, but I'm just in such a different place now that it is strange to think that was all my reality. I went from nights of planning out my suicide and who would take my kids, to so strong that I swear if I got hit by a bus tomorrow me and God would be throwing down!! My kids are what kept me going so much. A few people told me that in the beginning. That my kids would be what kept me going. And they were; they were my purpose. I am so thankful that God made me the mommy of 3 that I am at the age that I am. These precious angels, I truly believe, were sent here to carry me through the roughest time in my life. As I went through this period, all I heard people say is how strong I was. But at the time I couldn't see it. I just saw a weak woman trying to survive. Looking back now, I see that I truly was incredibly strong. Like I said, the scars are still there and they sometimes have sharp pains, but I am so grateful that that first year is over and I had overcome the hurdle that I really thought would bring me down...