Finding It Again

 I feel like I've gone backwards. I feel like I've stepped in exactly the opposite direction of where I've been heading. I'm needing to find that strength again that I found a year ago. For some reason I'm still struggling with certain things. The saddest part is that I don't realize what I'm doing to myself until others point it out and ask me "Doesn't that affect you??" I never think about it because it's just how it's been; it's how I've allowed it. But when it starts getting pointed out it suddenly moves back to the front of my brain for me to deal with. My dad told me last week that it's not that I don't have the strength to do it, because I do, but that I just haven't decided I'm going to do it yet. I guess I need to figure out that sometimes I will have to do without certain things. And really, getting those things from someone that isn't healthy for me only puts me backwards. My friend told me last week that I'll never find Mr. Right while I'm hanging around Mr. Wrong. And he's right... I have to stop saying I'm going to stop and move forward and just do it. Words are nothing when actions aren't backing them up. I KNOW in my mind that what I keep doing keeps me living in misery, and that getting past it will be rough for a bit but will make me happy in the end. I've been told I have this giant wall up, that I don't even realize I have. But I guess when I am remaining idle, it would make sense that I do. Somehow I have to dig deep and grab the strength that I pulled on before...