Sunday, February 21, 2010
How to Stand...
It's 6:36 on Sunday morning. Once again I woke up and couldn't sleep. What an emotional roller coaster I am on. I looked at apartments yesterday and it was so hard. I feel so upset and sad and angry that I didn't get any say in any of these decisions. I lost my choice in everything. I didn't get a choice if my marriage ended, or if my family was torn apart, or if I lose my home, or if I have to move to some stupid small apartment. All these choices got made for me. I hate it. I want to stand on my feet so bad but I just feel like my body is glued to the ground. When I think I'm picking myself back up I just keep falling. I have faith and I know the power of everyone's prayers is helping but I just wonder when does it end. I know he said he'll never give you more than you can handle but at what point does he decide to start letting up on you? First the Andy situation and everything I had to go through with that and then more recently the death of my Aunt, and now this. I lose the life I thought I had so perfectly. When does it stop? When do I get my break? When will I get to just be happy? If God can create this choas then why can't he also put my heart at peace? I don't think I've been forsaken but I am angry at him. Right now I'm having a hard time seeing the footprints in the sand and it sure doesn't feel like he's carrying me. When will these tears quit falling and my heart quit bleeding so badly? That's all I want.
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I don't think anything that anyone says will make you completely better. It just takes time. I know that when I have felt like that, and there has been quite a few of those times in the past two years especially, I know that my kids are always my reason to keep going and they will always make me happy when i am ready to give up. You have a lot of people that love you chelsea.
ReplyDeleteI have a couple books that have helped me find happiness in some of my hardest times. Here is a list if you have some time to read, I would just check them out from the library.
ReplyDeleteMan's Search For Meaning by, Viktor E, Frankl
(The end gets a little too technical with his logotherapy ideas but the idea of the book is uplifting and has much meaning. )
These two I have read and they are helpful with being mindful, meditation and living in the 'now'
Being Peace by, Thich Nhat Hanh
The Art of Power, Thich Nhat Hanh
Right now Jer and I are reading the Art of Happiness by, Dalai Lama
It is inspiring and has many good ideas of how to live and be happy.
Sometimes even when everything seems OK we are still not living life the happiest we could be. I feel it is important to focus on what's going on right now, in this time frame, and not focus too much on the future or the past. I know you are having the roughest of times right now and I hope these books are of some help, I know they have been to me.