TRUE Family

Can I just say how truly and utterly thankful I am to have Larry? Here is this amazing man who since my little Kayden was just 9 months old, took on the role of daddy to him. Had he not come into our lives, who knows what kind of father influence he would have ever had. Never has Larry complained about raising a son that isn't biologically his, or not been willing to help with expenses for a son he didn't have to. It's amazing to me that he is, and always has been, so willing to teach Kayd what life is about. He's been there to kiss booboos better, chase away the monsters, and clean up the puke. He's been there to comfort Kayden when he's been scared and hold him when he's down. He's never looked at him as anything other than his own. And not only that, but he has this amazing family that has loved Kayden since day 1 just as much as they love the rest of the kids. He's never been treated differently, and they've always been just as concerned and worried about him when he's struggling. They've never missed a soccer game or birthday, or done anything to make him feel any less than amazing. I suppose in the big scheme of things, although he doesn't have the donor around or his family, he's been more than blessed to be taken into a family that loves him just as much. Kayden knows nothing other than Larry and his amazing family. It doesn't take away the pain for my little guy when he's struggling with his feelings towards Andy. But I know when he's older and can understand better, he'll see God had a better plan and a better family in mind for him. I had him with Andy because that was God's plan. But with that, he had a bigger picture and better plan lined up. My little man is really struggling lately and that kills me. I want to fix him and heal the broken he feels inside and I know that I can't. But how grateful I am that we have the support of people that have never owed that to us. To have the love and dedication of a family he wasn't born into. I know when Kayd looks back when he's older, he'll feel the same way and be nothing but grateful with how his journey actually turned out. And to me, it means more than you could possibly know that a man & family accepted and loved us both no matter what the circumstances were.

Losing It...

Ya know how sometimes you just lose it?? Yep, this is one of my times. I just got done laughing so hard I was crying and nearly pee'd my pants. And can you guess why? Because of how many people are trying to take my money. Awesomely funny right? Yeah not really. I FINALLY got that crazy woman out of my house last night and how completely ridiculous of me to possibly think that was the end of it. Oh no. Not only did she change the locks on MY house, she went and filed a $7500 lien on my property. Apparently you need zero proof of anything to file a lien on someone's property. You can just go straight down to the court house and do it. So, if someone's really pissed you off lately, no worries, just go lien their shit. On top of that, the attorney who didn't do ANYTHING at all regarding the sale of my house decided to file a $17,000 lien on my property for his work in the sale. Lol... awesome right? He did so much of nothing that we lost our negotiator and have to start at square 1. I keep thinking the end is in site of this cursed house but I keep being proven wrong. I literally am bone dry exhausted emotionally and mentally of dealing with this house. I can't figure out why the universe won't just clear this mess up and close this chapter. Everyone has problems, to that I am very well aware of, but in the last 2 years, I'm pretty sure I've visited hell and back.... TWICE! I just want some relief from this mess and people who planned to scam me, and succeeded. I never thought I'd be the victim of a real estate scam, but it turns out, that's exactly what I was. I never wronged anyone, or stole from anyone, my biggest fault was trusting someone. How funny that a little word like trust has impacted my life in so many ways because I gave it away so easily. I need prayers and happy thoughts because I'm ready to throw my hands up. And some point, there has to be an end right??

5 years...

Kyler,
  5 years has gone by now since I gave birth to you. You were a stinker too. You just were never ready to come out and see me. Then when they finally decided to induce me, the day before I had you, I was actually schedule for induction but they said they were too full and wouldn't let me come that day. You would think after waiting 9 months, I could handle waiting just one more day. But just one more day was too long for me to wait to meet my sweet baby boy. Before I had you I never knew if I'd be able to love another child as much as I loved Kayden. But as soon as I heard your cries, and had you in my arms, I knew how it was possible. I realized a mothers love is endless and just seeing your sweet face made it all okay. Since that first day, I've loved you more and more as I've watched you grow. You amaze me with how smart you are and fill me with joy with how funny you can be. It means more to me than you will know, how often you say,"Mom... I love you." Watching you go from the baby brother, to the big brother, has shown me as well, the capacity of love you have inside you as well. You play with her when you don't want to, you get bossed around when I know your ready to kill her, and you make her feel better when she's crying over everything. You my little man, are amazing. I am excited to watch you continue to grow and take on the world as I know you will. You are so unbelievable smart, and I know one day you are going to do something amazing. Kyler, my sweet boy, I love you. Never ever forget that you are 1 of 3 reasons that I never gave up. Thank you for being you. Happy birthday sweet boy. ~ Love Mommy

True Happiness

 There is no other way to spin this than say it simply... I am truly so happy. I'm on cloud 9 with where my life is at and I really can't remember the last time I was this happy. I just feel like my life has finally started to fall into place. I am FINALLY graduated!!! That's right, I may not have a master's degree, or even a bachelor's degree, but I finally have the Associates of Psychology degree that I have worked SO hard at. I am so proud of the fact that I made a goal and I accomplished it. Then, there is of course the fact that my family is back together. I never thought this day would actually come. I dreamt about it, but I didn't think I'd ever see it. And now, not only am I seeing it, but I'm living it. Even early on in our relationship 6 years ago I don't think I was as happy as I am today. Time is a funny thing. It super sucks when you want it to hurry up and handle what it needs to handle. But it's super amazing because it's always there when you need it to think, to heal, and to grow. And after this 2 years of nothing but time, it has made us truly grateful for what we took so much for granted before. I think we are both in a place where we are no longer taking advantage and it is making this so much better. It's amazing to be able to look at that other person and just be in awe that you are so blessed to have them. My kids are happy, I am happy, and he is happy. I'm at a point in my life where there are so many things I say thank you for that I can't even keep up. God is truly amazing and truly gives you what you need when HE knows you're ready for it. I wouldn't change a single thing that has happened. It gave us both time to grow and heal and realize that what we wanted was what we had all along. When you give up all the negativity and decide truly in your heart that you will only allow positivity into your life, you'll be amazed at what comes your way. So blessed, so happy, and oh so grateful...

Power of Positivity

 Ok so we are officially 1 month and 15 days into the year... and I feel AMAZING. I wrote just a couple blogs ago that this was MY year to sparkle! And damn it, I'm sparkling. Put on your glasses people because I'll be blinding people this year ;) It is amazing how much the power of positivity can change your life. I decided this was my year. I decided I was no longer sweating the small stuff and I was gonna just be going with the flow. And in just 46 days, it has greatly paid off. This week, I won our court battle with evicting the tenant from hell from our home, I get a surgery I've waited a long time for, and I got my family back together. What? you say! My ex-husband and I got back together and decided to move forward together, as a family, working through everything. Now, if you've been reading since the beginning you may ask why the hell would I do that. But the fact of the matter is, you can't judge my choices without knowing my reasons. Throughout the last 2 years we haven't honestly been apart and I think we both realized that we can't live without each other. We've tried, but we always end back up around each other. So, he took the final step of asking for a second chance at fixing things. Sometimes you just need time to figure things out, space to grow, and wounds to heal to realize what you had was what you wanted all along. Do I have fears? Of course. But as a good friend told me, there are no guarantees in life. Whether it be him, a different him, my job, even my life period, nothing is ever guaranteed to me.  All that I can do is continue to be grateful for THIS day and live it for what it is. I don't think I could be happier in life than I am right now. And that is truly perfect. Because if you wait for a day when you will be happier, you will only be miserable. I will continue to be positive, not sweat the petty shit, and keep sparkling on. For it is MYSELF that determines my happiness and the direction I go. Sometimes... you just leap.

Sparkling...

I have seriously been working on not sweating the small stuff since my post a little bit back. Consciously thinking if this will matter in a year; even 3 months. And can I tell you the difference I feel? There are definitely still stresses in my life and things I'm ready to see a resolution to, but knowing that there IS an end in site and in just a couple months it will all be a memory has significantly helped me to let things go. I wrote in January that I wanted this year to be different. I want this year to be MY year to sparkle. And here I am at February 10, sparkling. I have THE most amazing family and friends a girl could ask for. The support I get from them all warms my heart on a regular basis. I continuously get uplifting compliments about how amazing I am to people and how much I inspire some people to want more and I feel awesome about it. Next week I am finally having my surgery that I've wanted for 7 years and I am beyond excited. It was a hard decision to put that much money towards something for ME and not my whole family, but I figured at this point in my journey I deserve it. And the best, most exciting part of life right now is I graduate in 2 weeks. I decided to go back to school a year and a half ago terrified out of my mind. Would I be able to do it and be a single mom at the same time? Would I give up before I was done because it was too exhausting? But I didn't. I kept going through every stupid assignment and exhausting final, I kept going. Through the help and support of my friends and family with my kids, I am finally done. In just 2 weeks I'll have that expensive piece of paper I wanted so badly to prove to myself I could get. I do want to go back and do more but I think for now I'll just wait until life settles down a little bit. Enjoy my kids and watch them grow and go back when I have a little more time. I proved to myself what I wanted to prove and that was that I COULD achieve something I wanted without giving up. Here we are just a month into the year and look at all the things going positively in my life! When you decide to look at life differently and enjoy every moment for what it is, you start to reap the benefits. As my friend Crystal told me, I am not just shining this year... I'm gonna sparkle...

To my boys...

To Kayden & Kyler,
   There are days that I wonder why in the heck you have so much energy and why you can't just sit down and chill out and refrain from wrestling for 5 minutes. There are times when I think how weird little boys are and how much different you are from little girls. As prissy as I am, it's obviously hard for me to relate to bugs, dirt, skateboards, and dead rats. And there are definitely times I wonder why you smell so funny sometimes and not like flowers all the time like girls. But as I sit back and I reflect on all these things I don't understand, or sometimes lose patience with, I realize one day I won't have it anymore. One day I'll wonder where my boys are that use to be bounding through the house while you are out with your friends on a Saturday night. I'll wish I had mud to clean off my floors from your shoes when instead you are out on dates with your girlfriends. One day, you won't be home with me anymore but rather in your own homes with your own families. You two little boys bring so much joy (and dirt) to me and you'll never be able to fathom to the extent that I love you. Although some days I just wish you could do more for yourselves, I know that the day that you can and you need me just a little less, I'll wish you still needed me for everything. I don't understand why farting is so funny, or why you need to pee together so you can sword fight your pee streams, but I do understand that although I don't get the whole "boy" thing, I do love you more than you'll ever know. You two are my little men and I hope that I am raising you so that even when you are grown and old, momma will still have a special place in your heart. I have dreams and hopes for your futures that you experience nothing but success and happiness. I hope you reach every star you aim for and that you remember the light is on back home if you ever need me. So, for all the dirt, creepy dead rats, farts, and pee sword fights that I will surely miss one day, I will try and be just a little more patient with you as you are little boys. I love you so much and hope one day you'll read this and look back and think your mom did a good job. So continue to be little boys for now and drive me crazy, because one day I'll wish you were still here to do it. Love you Kayd and Ky... my little "prince charmings" always and forever. Love Mom