Sure Feels Good...

K so I have had a pretty fabulous weekend! My kids have actually been pretty good for me minus the whiney part. But that's what kids do right? I got to go shopping with an awesome friend ( love your face Wenny!) Saturday and then went out Saturday night and met a bunch of awesome new people. Then after a few select people were complete douches I actually got a pretty awesome apology from THE person who needs to be giving an apology. So my sweet cousin sent me this quote and I think it's totally true. “Happiness sneaks through a door you didn’t know was left open.” I'm meeting really great people and finding so much joy in such small things and its making such a huge difference in me not caring so much about all the shit that is being talked. I tell you what, you definitely find out who your true friends are during the rough times and who are just two faced bitches. And you know who you are. But I feel great knowing that I'm at peace enough with myself that I don't have to fight back or run my mouth. Because the good Lord knows I have a hard time keeping my mouth shut. But I'm doing a really great job of it. Anyways, love you all and have a great week!

“There’s a dream right behind these eyes, and she finds a reason to be strong with every tear she dries.”

Friends...

How completely 110% greatful (did I totally just spell that wrong??) I am to having such wonderful friends. Friends who are not just walking with me but carrying me through this time. You guys mean so much to me. Last night my super stupid awesome (kayden's words lol) friend Jeremy took me to dinner. It was wonderful to get a little break from the kids and spend time with someone who keeps me laughing. A friend who spends hours on the phone with me just to make sure I'm ok and I know I'm far from alone. It's nice to be with people who show me I'm far from worthless. Thanks Jer. It really meant alot. All my friends who keep calling and texting and emailing me just to let me know they are still thinking about me and want to make sure I'm ok. You guys are making me ok! Thank you so much for all the love and support you are giving me and my babies. It means more to me than you'll ever know.

“Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, "I will try again tomorrow.”

More reasons to smile

Stressed...

So the single mom thing is starting to really really set in. I know that I did a lot of it alone before because of his work schedule but holy crap. It's hard to realize I'm all by myself and don't have help. Like bed time, when the boys don't want to go to bed and won't quit playing and I'm so frustrated but there is no one there to help me. I have to try and get them settled by myself. Or when I'm so tired and just want to sleep so bad and Brooklynn won't quit crying. And I'm used to someone being there to help me so I can get some rest. It's hard. Stressful. And yet he has the nerve to tell me to quit feeling sorry for myself for being a single mom. Sorry I'm not parent of the year like you and can't do it all without feeling overwhelmed. Oh wait, your out enjoying life kid free while I"m doing it. I did the single mom thing before but never with 3 kids under 4. I guess this is where the "strength" comes in. "Anyone can give up. It's the easiest thing in the world to do. But to hold it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart, that's true strength" So guess what, I am gonna suck it up and do it because I CAN. But I promise you this, ever say that to me again while your out living your life, and I'll junk punch you so hard they'll come out your freakin mouth. Love you!

How to Stand...

It's 6:36 on Sunday morning. Once again I woke up and couldn't sleep. What an emotional roller coaster I am on. I looked at apartments yesterday and it was so hard. I feel so upset and sad and angry that I didn't get any say in any of these decisions. I lost my choice in everything. I didn't get a choice if my marriage ended, or if my family was torn apart, or if I lose my home, or if I have to move to some stupid small apartment. All these choices got made for me. I hate it. I want to stand on my feet so bad but I just feel like my body is glued to the ground. When I think I'm picking myself back up I just keep falling. I have faith and I know the power of everyone's prayers is helping but I just wonder when does it end. I know he said he'll never give you more than you can handle but at what point does he decide to start letting up on you? First the Andy situation and everything I had to go through with that and then more recently the death of my Aunt, and now this. I lose the life I thought I had so perfectly. When does it stop? When do I get my break? When will I get to just be happy? If God can create this choas then why can't he also put my heart at peace? I don't think I've been forsaken but I am angry at him. Right now I'm having a hard time seeing the footprints in the sand and it sure doesn't feel like he's carrying me. When will these tears quit falling and my heart quit bleeding so badly? That's all I want.