#1: Stress Less

So I have decided that it's a new year and it's time to set some goals. There are lots of things I want to accomplish this year and loose ends I want to tie up. At the end of 2011 I posted a blog about feeling like I hadn't come very far but that I knew there were things I had to do on my own to move forward. So, my first goal I'm working on is stressing less. Such a common thing people want right? Everyone I know has stress and wishes it would all just go away. The last couple months that is EXACTLY what I've been saying. When will this all just go away.... but it won't. Things don't magically disappear and rarely do things fix themselves. However, I ran across this picture and it really got me thinking....

I sat and I looked at this picture and a light went off in my head. Probably 90% of the stuff that stresses me out and makes me go crazy will not matter in a year from now. Will my stresses annoy me for a few months? Probably. Will they make me want to pull my hair out? Yes. But, I am the only person who can decide how much time and worry I put into them. The time I'm spending worrying about crap and bullshit is not only taking away from me being present when I'm with my kids, but it's making me crabby so when I'm with them I lose patience quickly. That isn't fair to me or to my kids. My children are only young for a short time. They grow so unbelievably quickly and the time just flies by and before I know it they will be grown. I don't want to miss it or feel like I was crabby the whole time. I want to be fully present in my children's lives every moment that I am spending with them. So often I say how can I be a better mom? And I think this is definitely step 1. What I don't have control of will happen whether I worry about it or not. My worry and stress will not change the outcome of a situation. So from here going forward, I will ask myself that question, will this matter a year from now?? The fact is I am a single mom and it is just me and my kids 90% of the time. If I'm not fully present when we are together then how will they ever feel fulfilled? I want my kids to grow up and say, "Wow... my mom was amazing. She really did a great job despite the hurdles presented to her." So, to all the worries filling my mind and taking away from my family, I big thee well, but you are here by evicted from my head. Au revoir!

Happy Birthday Brooklynn

Brooklynn,

Wow, I can't even believe that 2 years has already gone by since you're arrival. It's definitely been a hectic two years, but how much better and easier it has been on me because you were here in my life. I watch you grow and learn and develop into your own little person and it brings a smile to my face everyday. Seeing you become independent and be a little "general" is a joy you will never know until you are a mother yourself. The excitement you show when I pick you up from school as you happily exclaim that I'm "your momma" warms my heart. I can watch you sleep, and seeing you cozied up in your princess jammies with your blanket, I'm amazed that God chose me to be your mommy. I can tell by your independent take charge personality that you are just like your momma and are bound to grow up into a strong woman. I wish for you my angel, years and years of happiness and that you may accomplish every dream you have. I will always support and love you, but give you enough room to make the mistakes you are bound to make. It is only through those mistakes that you will learn important lessons. I want to always be your best friend and share many memories together while at the same time being your mom when hard decisions need to be made. Princess, I love you more than you will ever fathom and am so grateful to have you in our family. I never knew life could feel as complete as it does until you entered our family. Your brothers and sister adore you so much and you have so many great role models in your life to watch as you grow. I want you to always know that no matter the ups and downs you will have through out your life, and maybe the times you hate me, I will always love you. I will hold your hand when you need me to, and watch from a distance when you don't. Thank you for being my little girl and loving me. When I see you do things to imitate me with your babies or brothers, I know that finally, I am someone's hero. I love you princess. Happy Birthday.

New Year... New Chance

Well here we are again.. a new year just days away. The thing I'm ashamed to say is 2011 wasn't as awesome of a year for me as I wanted it to be. Worst part... it's mostly my own fault. Aside from the drama with Andy and his family, I don't feel like I grew as much as I had hoped to. At the end of this year, I was in the same position as I have been the last couple. There is so much stress in my life right now, just like anyone else's, and I'm really needing a fresh start with nothing but positive things. I'm still trying to wrap up the sale on my house that should have been done along time ago, with a tenant from hell in there right now. (I didn't want her there to begin with and now I'm stuck in a bad situation. Long story) I'm really hoping that 2012 has a break waiting for me because at this point in life I could really use it. However, I'm more than aware that I allow both negativity and positivity in my life. In order for change to come, I have to allow it to enter. I suppose that is what I have struggled with the most. I'm ending this year worn out and exhausted from the last 6 years of my life. I don't want to sound like negative Nancy, or come off as complaining. I'm not. I'm just worn out. It's hard being super mom working full time, going to school, and being a single mom. Then to top it off and have to deal with court after court and the sale of a house that I've been completely screwed over on, I've reached an all time low energy level. I'm needing a breath of fresh air and some rest. I've been taking care of other people for 6 years and I by far won't complain about that. More than anything I love taking care of my family. But I'm at the point where I'm ready for someone to take care of me. I know I'm a strong woman, but sometimes you don't want to have to be strong anymore. So here's to kissing this year goodbye, and welcoming the new one. Let's all hope 2012 is THE YEAR for happiness to enter and dreams to come true...

Chapter Over... The End

 Yesterday was my big day. The day finally came to speak up to my victimizer and his family. Lucky for me, I had amazing support with me, my mom, dad, and Larry, and an outpouring amount of support from friends and family who couldn't come sending me messages. I was so nervous in the morning and as we pulled up to the prison gates and got let in through the big gates the reality of what I was doing continued to set in further. The tears started pouring and Lar just kept telling me, "You can do this. You and Kayden finally get your day." As we parked I saw Rich's (Andy's Dad) truck right there. The fear set in and I had to keep reminding myself that they weren't allowed in my head anymore, this was for Kayden. We walked to the gates to be buzzed in, and the barbed wire and prisoners in the yard made me realize I had entered hell. As soon as we walked into the waiting room there was his entire family. The chatter and whispering began but I kept reminding myself that they didn't matter. I asked to be separated from them and they led us into a secure room through more doors to wait. When the officer finally came and said it was time, my nerves were about to explode. As we walked through the doors to be led in, and I saw him, I just lost it. I started crying and they had to more or less pull me in. As the hearing started she told Andy he would get his chance to talk but that the victim was here to talk and she had requested that he be in the room as I did so. I wanted him to hear through my emotions what he's done to me and my son. He immediately started lying about what he hasn't done and she saw right through him. When I finally gave my statement I spoke, and I spoke strong. THIS was my moment. I let it out and I let it flow. I did so with plenty of tears but the emotions needed to be felt. I was so scared, but I knew this was the step I needed to take to finally show him and his family they played no more part in my head. After I was done he went on about how I just hate him and make his life hell and she cut him like a knife. She told him, that may be, but the evidence and your behaviors since you were 13 show me otherwise. She told him it was clear he isn't changing and probably won't and wouldn't even give him a release date; just another parole hearing March 2013. Those words showed me that I was not the only person that saw Andy in this light. All I've ever wanted was for him and his family to hear me. But I've known that would never happen without interuptions and yelling. It felt AMAZING to say all my feelings and know that NO ONE could interupt me. I was heard... and I was heard loud and clear. And most importantly, I was heard by the people that it mattered most to. I finally have closure. I stood up and I said enough is enough and I won't be victimized anymore. They are out of my life and out of my head and it's a feeling I can't even explain. I finally have the ending to this chapter I so desperately needed. The best way I can describe my feelings is through the song by Michael Buble, Feeling Good.

Birds flying high
You know how I feel
Sun in the sky
You know how I feel
Reeds driftin' on by
You know how I feel
It's a new dawn
It's a new day
It's a new life
For me
And I'm feeling good

Fish in the sea
You know how I feel
River running free
You know how I feel
Blossom in the tree
You know how I feel
It's a new dawn
It's a new day
It's a new life
For me
And I'm feeling good

Dragonfly out in the sun you know what I mean, don't you know
Butterflies all havin' fun you know what I mean
Sleep in peace when the day is done, that's what I mean
And this old world is a new world
And a bold world
For me
Fooor me

Stars when you shine
You know how I feel
Scent of the pine
You know how I feel
Yeah freedom is mine
And I know how I feel
It's a new dawn
It's a new day
It's a new life
hu
It's a new dawn
It's a new day
It's a new life

It's a new dawn
It's a new day
It's a new life
It's a new life
For me

And I'm feeling good




I got the last word and it felt good. Kayden was heard... and I was heard... This chapter of my life is finally over... The end.

Parole Hearing...

I know it's been a bit... over a month!! Lots has gone on and I have had so many feelings the last month, but for once, I was at a loss for words of how to say it all. Thursday I go to Andy's parole hearing and give my victim's impact statement. I actually have no idea what to say. There are obviously a million things I can say about what he's done to me and Kayden, but I don't want to put it the wrong way and seem like just an angry ex. The damage he has caused to Kayden is obviously irreversible. I can get my son help, and I can talk to him about his feelings, but the damage that has been done, has been done. There are so many times I wonder why these struggles have been put into my little boy's life. Is it my fault for getting pregnant by an idiot? It's funny that you go through life, and struggle, and fall down but as an adult, you realize it's just all part of your journey. However, when you watch your little boy go through it at such a young age it's hard to see that side of it. All I can see is why is this fair to him? What lesson is my baby having to learn from someone else's actions? I want to see my son grow and succeed into a wonderful man. And I'll be honest, I am terrified that the feelings Andy has caused him could put him on the wrong path when he starts questioning things as he gets older. I feel like I can only do so much to help him to succeed, and I am scared that if there is too much damage there will be things I can't fix. When I was 6 months pregnant I heard the song Fix You by Coldplay, and instantly I decided that was my song to the special little boy in my belly. And as hardships have come into his life I always think of this song:

When you try your best, but you don't succeed
When you get what you want, but not what you need
When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone, but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Tears stream down on your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down on your face
And I...

Tears stream down on your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down on your face
And I...

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you 

And that is all I really want... is to fix him... Perhaps writing this blog is what I needed to find inspiration in what I will say when I come face to face with him Thursday... The damage has been done Andy, and I'm left trying to fix the mess you've made...

Where's My Backbone??

So recently I have felt so taken advantage of and used. It's been one of those moments I've wanted to avoid actually acknowledging that this person could actually be like that, but I've finally realized that is just the sad reality. The point of helping others isn't to wait for something to come back in return; I'm well aware of that. However, when all you do is give and give and give and help help help and then you need a favor and it is rejected you start to realize what is going on. The frustration I feel is at a boiling point. However, as I learned before, I control me, you control you. I can't control someone else and their actions or feelings. However, I can stand up for myself and say no. It's time for me to own me and what I do and have done. But it's also time for them to own the choices they made to put them in the situation they are in. I didn't choose the path you're on, and I didn't make the choices you made. So why is it I still feel like it's my duty to help you??? Well, this is it... this was my crumbling point. I've gotten sick of it and worn out of being taken advantage of. A lot of times I think my big heart does nothing but get me in trouble. But I've realized that isn't right. My big heart does exactly what it should... love and care. It's my head that gets me into trouble. Sometimes your head has to tell your heart no. It's time for me to look in the mirror and own me for my failures and my accomplishments and it's time you do the same. However, I have no control over whether you will or not, just that it's something I will finally do. I've tried to teach my children an important lesson of loving unconditionally and helping when people need you. But it's also time I teach them what a backbone is. I will make damn sure I don't raise doormats, a daughter who accepts less than perfect, or sons who think women don't deserve 120%. It is my leading by example that will help mold my children into who they are.... Perhaps it's time I remind myself of what a backbone is....being a doormat has gotten old.

Secret to Happiness...

Today one of my good friends asked me how I found happiness again so quickly. "Share your secrets please..." Isn't this a rather common question? What is the secret to happiness? Perhaps it isn't easy to accomplish but it's a rather simple concept... Happiness isn't something you go in search for. It isn't in the next guy, it isn't in a new car or lots of money... it's simply in yourself. I found my happiness by pulling it from inside again. I rid my life of the things that were holding me back and pushed forward. The only way to find happiness is to quit trying to find it. I found the perfect saying the other day, it said if you are depressed you are living in the past, if you are anxious you are living in the future, if you are at peace... you are living in the present. And never has a quote spoken to me so strongly. That's what I'm genuinly trying so hard to do right now. Live in the now. What happened, happened and it's done now. What hasn't happened yet hasn't happened, so why stress about what if?  But living in this moment, right now, soaking in every moment for what it is is what is bringing me happiness. Whether its dinners with friends, hugs from my kids, encouragement from my family, I'm living IN every moment. If you continue to try and look for moments to come, how will you ever enjoy the one you are in? The happiness you are "searching" for is here... right now. You just have to look with in rather than continue looking without....