New Year... New Chance

Well here we are again.. a new year just days away. The thing I'm ashamed to say is 2011 wasn't as awesome of a year for me as I wanted it to be. Worst part... it's mostly my own fault. Aside from the drama with Andy and his family, I don't feel like I grew as much as I had hoped to. At the end of this year, I was in the same position as I have been the last couple. There is so much stress in my life right now, just like anyone else's, and I'm really needing a fresh start with nothing but positive things. I'm still trying to wrap up the sale on my house that should have been done along time ago, with a tenant from hell in there right now. (I didn't want her there to begin with and now I'm stuck in a bad situation. Long story) I'm really hoping that 2012 has a break waiting for me because at this point in life I could really use it. However, I'm more than aware that I allow both negativity and positivity in my life. In order for change to come, I have to allow it to enter. I suppose that is what I have struggled with the most. I'm ending this year worn out and exhausted from the last 6 years of my life. I don't want to sound like negative Nancy, or come off as complaining. I'm not. I'm just worn out. It's hard being super mom working full time, going to school, and being a single mom. Then to top it off and have to deal with court after court and the sale of a house that I've been completely screwed over on, I've reached an all time low energy level. I'm needing a breath of fresh air and some rest. I've been taking care of other people for 6 years and I by far won't complain about that. More than anything I love taking care of my family. But I'm at the point where I'm ready for someone to take care of me. I know I'm a strong woman, but sometimes you don't want to have to be strong anymore. So here's to kissing this year goodbye, and welcoming the new one. Let's all hope 2012 is THE YEAR for happiness to enter and dreams to come true...

Chapter Over... The End

 Yesterday was my big day. The day finally came to speak up to my victimizer and his family. Lucky for me, I had amazing support with me, my mom, dad, and Larry, and an outpouring amount of support from friends and family who couldn't come sending me messages. I was so nervous in the morning and as we pulled up to the prison gates and got let in through the big gates the reality of what I was doing continued to set in further. The tears started pouring and Lar just kept telling me, "You can do this. You and Kayden finally get your day." As we parked I saw Rich's (Andy's Dad) truck right there. The fear set in and I had to keep reminding myself that they weren't allowed in my head anymore, this was for Kayden. We walked to the gates to be buzzed in, and the barbed wire and prisoners in the yard made me realize I had entered hell. As soon as we walked into the waiting room there was his entire family. The chatter and whispering began but I kept reminding myself that they didn't matter. I asked to be separated from them and they led us into a secure room through more doors to wait. When the officer finally came and said it was time, my nerves were about to explode. As we walked through the doors to be led in, and I saw him, I just lost it. I started crying and they had to more or less pull me in. As the hearing started she told Andy he would get his chance to talk but that the victim was here to talk and she had requested that he be in the room as I did so. I wanted him to hear through my emotions what he's done to me and my son. He immediately started lying about what he hasn't done and she saw right through him. When I finally gave my statement I spoke, and I spoke strong. THIS was my moment. I let it out and I let it flow. I did so with plenty of tears but the emotions needed to be felt. I was so scared, but I knew this was the step I needed to take to finally show him and his family they played no more part in my head. After I was done he went on about how I just hate him and make his life hell and she cut him like a knife. She told him, that may be, but the evidence and your behaviors since you were 13 show me otherwise. She told him it was clear he isn't changing and probably won't and wouldn't even give him a release date; just another parole hearing March 2013. Those words showed me that I was not the only person that saw Andy in this light. All I've ever wanted was for him and his family to hear me. But I've known that would never happen without interuptions and yelling. It felt AMAZING to say all my feelings and know that NO ONE could interupt me. I was heard... and I was heard loud and clear. And most importantly, I was heard by the people that it mattered most to. I finally have closure. I stood up and I said enough is enough and I won't be victimized anymore. They are out of my life and out of my head and it's a feeling I can't even explain. I finally have the ending to this chapter I so desperately needed. The best way I can describe my feelings is through the song by Michael Buble, Feeling Good.

Birds flying high
You know how I feel
Sun in the sky
You know how I feel
Reeds driftin' on by
You know how I feel
It's a new dawn
It's a new day
It's a new life
For me
And I'm feeling good

Fish in the sea
You know how I feel
River running free
You know how I feel
Blossom in the tree
You know how I feel
It's a new dawn
It's a new day
It's a new life
For me
And I'm feeling good

Dragonfly out in the sun you know what I mean, don't you know
Butterflies all havin' fun you know what I mean
Sleep in peace when the day is done, that's what I mean
And this old world is a new world
And a bold world
For me
Fooor me

Stars when you shine
You know how I feel
Scent of the pine
You know how I feel
Yeah freedom is mine
And I know how I feel
It's a new dawn
It's a new day
It's a new life
hu
It's a new dawn
It's a new day
It's a new life

It's a new dawn
It's a new day
It's a new life
It's a new life
For me

And I'm feeling good




I got the last word and it felt good. Kayden was heard... and I was heard... This chapter of my life is finally over... The end.

Parole Hearing...

I know it's been a bit... over a month!! Lots has gone on and I have had so many feelings the last month, but for once, I was at a loss for words of how to say it all. Thursday I go to Andy's parole hearing and give my victim's impact statement. I actually have no idea what to say. There are obviously a million things I can say about what he's done to me and Kayden, but I don't want to put it the wrong way and seem like just an angry ex. The damage he has caused to Kayden is obviously irreversible. I can get my son help, and I can talk to him about his feelings, but the damage that has been done, has been done. There are so many times I wonder why these struggles have been put into my little boy's life. Is it my fault for getting pregnant by an idiot? It's funny that you go through life, and struggle, and fall down but as an adult, you realize it's just all part of your journey. However, when you watch your little boy go through it at such a young age it's hard to see that side of it. All I can see is why is this fair to him? What lesson is my baby having to learn from someone else's actions? I want to see my son grow and succeed into a wonderful man. And I'll be honest, I am terrified that the feelings Andy has caused him could put him on the wrong path when he starts questioning things as he gets older. I feel like I can only do so much to help him to succeed, and I am scared that if there is too much damage there will be things I can't fix. When I was 6 months pregnant I heard the song Fix You by Coldplay, and instantly I decided that was my song to the special little boy in my belly. And as hardships have come into his life I always think of this song:

When you try your best, but you don't succeed
When you get what you want, but not what you need
When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone, but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Tears stream down on your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down on your face
And I...

Tears stream down on your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down on your face
And I...

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you 

And that is all I really want... is to fix him... Perhaps writing this blog is what I needed to find inspiration in what I will say when I come face to face with him Thursday... The damage has been done Andy, and I'm left trying to fix the mess you've made...

Where's My Backbone??

So recently I have felt so taken advantage of and used. It's been one of those moments I've wanted to avoid actually acknowledging that this person could actually be like that, but I've finally realized that is just the sad reality. The point of helping others isn't to wait for something to come back in return; I'm well aware of that. However, when all you do is give and give and give and help help help and then you need a favor and it is rejected you start to realize what is going on. The frustration I feel is at a boiling point. However, as I learned before, I control me, you control you. I can't control someone else and their actions or feelings. However, I can stand up for myself and say no. It's time for me to own me and what I do and have done. But it's also time for them to own the choices they made to put them in the situation they are in. I didn't choose the path you're on, and I didn't make the choices you made. So why is it I still feel like it's my duty to help you??? Well, this is it... this was my crumbling point. I've gotten sick of it and worn out of being taken advantage of. A lot of times I think my big heart does nothing but get me in trouble. But I've realized that isn't right. My big heart does exactly what it should... love and care. It's my head that gets me into trouble. Sometimes your head has to tell your heart no. It's time for me to look in the mirror and own me for my failures and my accomplishments and it's time you do the same. However, I have no control over whether you will or not, just that it's something I will finally do. I've tried to teach my children an important lesson of loving unconditionally and helping when people need you. But it's also time I teach them what a backbone is. I will make damn sure I don't raise doormats, a daughter who accepts less than perfect, or sons who think women don't deserve 120%. It is my leading by example that will help mold my children into who they are.... Perhaps it's time I remind myself of what a backbone is....being a doormat has gotten old.

Secret to Happiness...

Today one of my good friends asked me how I found happiness again so quickly. "Share your secrets please..." Isn't this a rather common question? What is the secret to happiness? Perhaps it isn't easy to accomplish but it's a rather simple concept... Happiness isn't something you go in search for. It isn't in the next guy, it isn't in a new car or lots of money... it's simply in yourself. I found my happiness by pulling it from inside again. I rid my life of the things that were holding me back and pushed forward. The only way to find happiness is to quit trying to find it. I found the perfect saying the other day, it said if you are depressed you are living in the past, if you are anxious you are living in the future, if you are at peace... you are living in the present. And never has a quote spoken to me so strongly. That's what I'm genuinly trying so hard to do right now. Live in the now. What happened, happened and it's done now. What hasn't happened yet hasn't happened, so why stress about what if?  But living in this moment, right now, soaking in every moment for what it is is what is bringing me happiness. Whether its dinners with friends, hugs from my kids, encouragement from my family, I'm living IN every moment. If you continue to try and look for moments to come, how will you ever enjoy the one you are in? The happiness you are "searching" for is here... right now. You just have to look with in rather than continue looking without....

It's Just Money...

I am so stressed right now. Too many bills going out and not enough coming in. Some of it is my own stupid choices and then some of it is just too many things coming at me at once. I've talked to a couple of my friends and they've all told me the same thing: It's just money. You have what's important in life and that's your kids, family, & friends. I'm trying to really remember this. At the end of the day, you can only take from me what I have. It's hard to remember to not stress over money when you are a single mom trying to make it. But what they've said is true. It's just money... I have what's important and what I need in life. I have my kids. I know that whether I have money or not they love me unconditionally and the size of my bank account means nothing to them. I guess I need to remember also that everything always works out one way or another. Sometimes it's just hard to see that when you are in the moment. But the advice I've been given is true. It's paper... What I have is better. I have beautiful smiles looking up at me, warm hugs from the most adorable little people ever, and kisses that melt my heart on a daily basis. It's time I start refocusing on what I have rather than what I don't. The more time I spend thinking of everything I don't have, the more time I'm wasting that could be spent counting my blessings as I always have. Time to refocus and remember gratitude. I'm very blessed to have what I DO have and that is what's important...

Hope...

You may wonder what that is.... This.. is hope. Ya see, Kayden made this little snowglobe type thing at school the other day and loved it so much. To him, it was something special. When he brought it home I thought it was cute but that was about it and didn't give it much more thought. Until tonight... Tonight Kayd saw me crying and asked me what was wrong. At this point, I didn't know if it was better to lie and act like nothing was wrong or simply tell the truth. I decided that it was just best to tell him the truth knowing that more than likely, he'd be who would make me feel better. "What's wrong momma? Why are you sad?" he asked. "I miss daddy. It's just kind of hard on me." He scrimaged around for a minute and pulled out this special project that he loved so much. "Mom, I know it's hard for you. But I want you to have this... when you get sad and are missing dad, pretend he's this little seashell and keep it in your purse. When you are missing him just a little pull it out and remember he's still there." Now, if I wasn't crying enough as it was, this pushed it to niagra falls level. My son is so wise beyond his years sometimes I can't believe it's really him speaking. I held this little thing close for a reason other than he suggested. I realized looking at this little shell that what my son had really just given me was hope... And that really, he's the little one in this jar when I'm feeling a bit sad. How could I have forgotten that through the hardest times it's my children that will actually pull me through. People have said to me to not worry about the kids, they will be fine they are resiliant. To just try and worry about healing myself right now. But it's actually these kids who will help me heal. This tiny little shell in this cute little project I once thought nothing of, has become the little bottle of hope I will carry around. Things will be ok... it just took a 6 year old to put that in perspective for me.