Where Does Time Go??

Where does time go? Such a funny thing time is. When it's something you want to hurry up along, like the healing process, it takes forever. But when it's something you want to slow down, it breezes by. Today my little man Kyler turns 6 years old. I look back and it seems like it was just barely that I was anxiously waiting for them to just induce me and get him out! And now here he is, half way through Kindergarten, and 6! He is so full of life and always wanting to experience everything to the fullest. There are times when I wonder why he asks so many questions or has to do and try everything possible. But I've come to realize he's just being a kid. He's learning and trying to take everything in that he possibly can. This little guy ALWAYS has a hug for me and an "I love you mom." He's still curls up small to snuggle with me and needs his "mommy" every once in a while. It's funny to watch your kids grow up and watch them become more and more independent everyday. One of these days, these crazy boys of mine aren't going to need me as much. In fact, one of these days, I'll be a little old lady who needs them. I hope that when the day comes that I am helpless, my boys don't even hesitate and come to my aid when I need them. Kayden got the leader of the week award at school yesterday, and Kyler has STRAIGHT A's on his report card! There are times I wonder if I'm just completely screwing this whole parenting gig up. But then things like that happen and I realize I'm raising some pretty awesome kids. Kyler... you are one incredible little boy. You keep living life to the fullest and wanting to experience everything. You fall down, but you always bounce back up so quickly. I have no doubt we'll have more stitches in our future, but if your cup is full that's all I care about. Don't ever aim anywhere less than the moon and remember I'm here watching and supporting you to succeed. You are truly a miracle to me. I love you son. Happy 6th birthday.

Fresh Start

 So 3 weeks ago Kayden got to go on his first visit with his grandparents in 2 years. Followed by a breakfast and fun day at their house on Saturday. I was quite anxious the first time and it got a little bit better on Saturday. This is a fresh start for Kayden and his family and I'm so excited for my son that he gets to rebuild these relationships. Our past and our issues should not come in the way of him having the relationships that he rightfully deserves. Lots of friends of mine have said, "You're a better person than I am because I just couldn't do it. Not after all the crap they've done." I suppose though one of my strengths/weaknesses is that I am a very very forgiving person. At times it has really benefitted me and at times it's really hurt me. But in a time like this, what they've done to me doesn't matter. This isn't ME rebuilding a relationship with them, it's my son rebuilding a relationship with them. I don't know where this will go and if eventually it will turn sour again. However, I do know that seeing my son's smile when he gets home and how excited he is to tell me about his time is the reassurance I need at this time. Sometimes it is so hard for people to put aside the drama from the past to move forward in the future. So frequently we forget that events from our pasts are what have made us grow. If you choose not to move forward you'll idle forever. I guess sometimes it's best to tear the whole garden out and plant new seeds to see what grows. There will be weeds that grow and flowers that die, but what survives is the true beauty of all the work.

Bigger Picture

 Today is the "new" 1 year anniversary for me and Larry. A year ago today he asked me if it was too late or if I'd give him another chance. It was the most terrifying thing I'd ever heard. I waited so long to hear those words and finally decided I never would. Then... out of the blue.. he said it. I sat there in shock and made him worry beyond belief if he should have even asked. My emotions jumped from happy to terrified to joyful to scared and then I just said yes. Yes... I would take him back. I knew I could have been making either the biggest mistake of my life, or the best decision I'd ever make. Now, a year has come and gone and I am happier than I have ever been. 3 years ago I was trying to grasp hold of anything that would make me feel ok. And today... it all makes sense. There was a post I wrote shortly after he left that I said ok God... I know you're there but it certainly feels like you've deserted me. And I realize today that not only did he NOT desert me, but he cried with me. He didn't look down and say Ha! Look at you suffer! He looked down and said, "Child I know you are hurting and I am hurting with you and I know this is hard, but trust me... there is a bigger picture," and boy was he right. There are struggles throughout the span of our lives that make us wonder why? Why am I STILL hurting, why won't this or that just go away, when will it all just be okay? But there IS a reason. No matter what God or Gods you pray to or what your beliefs are it is so important to understand that sometimes your timing and your path of choice isn't going to correlate with the big man's. There will be times you feel beyond alone and wondering where did you go so wrong. But if you can just trust me, and understand that there is a bigger picture that you just can't see yet you'll feel just a little more at ease. Had I not gone through what I did, I would not be the strong independent woman I am. Had we not gone through this together, our relationship wouldn't be even close to as solid and strong as it is today. I didn't have to know the ending or understand the why; that wasn't for me to know. The important part was that I walked my journey exactly as God planned and in the end came out better than MY plan would have allowed me. I still have my struggles and there will be even more times in life when I just don't understand. But.. I will know better that faith is all I need. It isn't easy to not know the answers and it isn't easy to not know the plan, but if you can just trust that there IS one... one day you'll wake up and see the skies are so much bluer than you could have imagined.

If it's meant to be... it will be.

   Well, the conversation happened. It was awkward and nerve racking... but it happened. Much to my surprise, it went rather well. We both agree that positivity from here on out is the only option. That it is time to sweep old drama under the rug and focus on moving forward for Kayden. After the conversation I really felt like both of us, being mothers, could understand each other completely for the decisions we've had to make in the past. Both of us made decisions because we are mothers trying to protect our babies. Her's is 30, mine is 6. Despite the ages, we are both still mothers. I really felt positive after hanging up like maybe things will actually go good now. We can really just move on and be adults. We finished the call with her talking to Rich and getting back with me on what they wanted to do. Well, the next day I got a text from her saying that Rich wanted a few more days to think about talking to me because he is having a hard time moving on from what I'VE done and that he doesn't think it will ever change. But "don't lose hope", she said. Wow... from what I've done... Hmmmm I decided at that point, ya know, you're completely right... it will never change. If ALL the adults in the situation can't move forward together with a common goal of Kayden in mind, you're absolutely right... it will never change. And for ME to not lose hope?? Are you guys doing ME some kind of favor?? Interesting.... Well A. YOU aren't doing ME any favors. And doing this for the sole reason I chose to, I'm not doing YOU a favor either. I'm doing, was doing, what I thought was best for my son. I was doing it for him and only him. But ya know, I tried. I really really tried to make things positive for Kayden so he could have his entire family in his life. The choices they make on accepting the olive branch or not are theirs and theirs to own. I can control myself and only doing what I feel is right in my heart. Just as I have to live with mine, they have to live with the decisions they make. At some point in time, I truly do hope that everyone can just grow up and do what's best for my little man. It may not be a realistic hope, but it is a hope. I will continue to support my son and show him that he does have family that is constant and will always be constant. I will never face a day where he says "Why didn't you even try mom?" because he'll know I did. He'll know that he's always been the #1 focus. My little man.... you keep standing tall like your mommas taught you. Never doubt how much you are loved or if things are your fault. You are incredible beyond all measures. You are loved deeper than you can possibly realize. For every moment you get sad or angry, you just remember our song..."lights will guide you home, and ignite your bones, and I will try to fix you." Mommy is here, and never going anywhere. Love you baby.

Starting New?? Maybe...

Once again it's been awhile. But that's okay. Maybe me being so happy has given me less to write about. Maybe I just write better when my life is up in shambles. Anyways, a year and a half has gone by now that Andy has been in prison and neither him, nor his family, have had contact with Kayden since then. It's not that I ever denied it, they just haven't ever contacted me. The last few months I've really struggled inside. I have this amazing little boy who misses his family so much. But at the same time, I've had all that emotion and anger towards this family rearing its head at the same time. So I've really struggled with do I contact them or not? Well at the end of December I decided yes, its time. If it is possible for a relationship to be rebuilt for my son and his family that was important to me. Despite our disagreements, animosity, and anger towards each other, they ARE his blood. They ARE his family. No matter how I may feel about them, I will never deny my son of his right to have a relationship with them. So I reach out to Andy's mom the end of December to see if she'd like to talk. After a few text messages were exchanged she said she'd talk to Rich (Andy's dad) and get back with me with a time. Well, that was the last I heard from her. I suppose that made me believe that they didn't want that relationship at this point and I could move on with my life knowing I tried for my son. I would never have to lie to him that I tried, because I truly did wholeheartedly. Then, yesterday, she text me. She wants to talk but it's best that it's just her and I for now. Obviously I won't complain because I feel she is more level headed and the conversation will go better without Rich in it. So today is the day. Today is the day that I finish what I started. Am I ready for all this? Probably not. But is it something I have to do ?..... yes. The nerves I have are ridiculously high, and I wonder what do we even say? Where does the conversation start? I don't want to go backwards. That wasn't the point of me contacting her. I have truly & wholeheartedly forgiven Andy, and his family for any pain they've caused me AND Kayden. It was hard, and it took a lot of soul searching in myself but I did. Andy is an addiction, and his parents are HIS PARENTS. Although they've been out of line plenty of times, they are his parents and who's to say I wouldn't be on attack for my children no matter what too? I know how much that they love my son. I know they have hurt and probably continue to hurt without him in their lives. Am I taking a giant risk? Absolutely. But more than anything, all I want is for Kayden to feel complete and happy. At this age, he can't feel that without knowing all of his family. My life has been quiet, and nice, and pleasant the last year and a half with this part of our lives on hold. And I am apprehensive if reopening this gate is just going to cause a giant stress. But this is something I started and chose, and now it's something that I must finish. There are times in life, where you leap. Sometimes for yourself, and sometimes for others. But when you leap for your child, its a fall you are more than willing to take no matter how hard you hit the ground. I may splatter into a million pieces in the end, but if there's one thing I know about myself, it is that I will put myself right back together, stand tall, and know that I truly did what was best for my son.

Forgiveness

  Well... it's been a while hasn't it? Feels strange to be back blogging. Sort of like someone that runs away and then comes back and isn't sure where to start explaining. Odd to feel that way I know, but I guess you can't ever really explain every feeling you have. Anywho, Kayd has been back in counseling with an awesome counselor name D. He's an old guy that is so wise and knows just how to get you talking. It's been a long time since I've really opened up about all my feelings and anger and hurt regarding Andy. But somehow, D gets me talking about it in our 1 on 1 time every week before he talks to Kayden. He says to me, "Chelsea you're really angry still towards Andy." And I've said, "How can I not be? How do you stop being angry at the person that has hurt your child so much?" And he said, "It's hard.. but you have to try and forgive him or you will live with this anger forever." I told him, "I forgave him for every crap thing he ever did to me. It's no longer relevant in my life and it doesn't cross my mind anymore. But how do you ever forgive someone for hurting your child?" And he said something that struck me, "Chelsea you have realize he hasn't ever hurt Kayden on purpose. His addiction took over his life and, in turn, froze his ability to make loving and good choices." So, the last week I've been thinking about that. Can I forgive him? And the more I thought about it the more I realized I HAVE to forgive him. I have had so much hate and anger in my heart towards this person. His name makes my spine tingle, and thinking and talking about what he has done to Kayden gets me so worked up. The only way I can ever move forward from that and no longer give him a second thought is to simply forgive him. D was right... Andy has never hurt Kayden on purpose. He has never woke up and said, "Today I'm gonna damage my kid." But he has yet to find the strength and will power to move forward and let go of his addiction. So today, I say, Andy... I forgive you. I forgive you for doing the things you've done that have so greatly impacted my son. I realize that if you were not an addict and you were of right mind, you wouldn't hurt him. I know you love him to the best of your abilities and I pray one day you find the strength to overcome the addiction ruining your life so that you can fully experience real love. Does that mean I will trust him? No. Does that mean I will say, "Here, take Kayden and hopefully drive sober." No. My guard will forever be up and my first job will ALWAYS be to protect my son. But I forgive him. And the more I got thinking about it and how his whole family makes me so upset, I need to forgive them too. In all reality, we have so much more in common than they realize. Both of our purposes is to love and protect our child. For them, enabling Andy and thinking I'm the bad guy is what a parent's love sometimes does. I forgive them for the things they've said and done to me. Because I can relate... all I want is what's best for my son as well. Forgiving, and especially for such a life impacting thing, is not easy. And it will take time for me to fully stop thinking about the hurt. But this is my first step towards that goal. I can't have a full life of love and happiness if my heart is filled with any anger at all. Sometimes, the hardest thing to do in life is to let go, but always... it's the most powerful.

Life

Wow... it's been a minute since I wrote hasn't it?? Life is going good. I'm back in school for my Bachelor's in Business Management and I've already completed 3 classes in 2 months. Nothing drives me more than looking at my kids everyday and knowing I want to give them MORE. I want to teach them determination and make sure they know nothing is dropped into your lap. In our family, you earn what you have.
Kayden finished Kindergarten and it's crazy to think how quickly that year went by. Now he's getting ready for first grade and my little Kyler will be starting Kindergarten. When did my babies grow up?? It doesn't seem like that long ago I was juggling changing both of their diapers at the same time. Kyler is beyond excited to start school and I'm excited for him. I think it will be a good change for him than being at daycare all day long.
Brooklynn is growing up so big. I was looking at her old pictures on Friday and wondered when the hell my little baby girl turned into a 2 year old diva. Now she's all big, mouthy, and high maintenance. Sounds just like her mother doesn't she :) It's fun watching her grow up and I love how girlie she is. Watching her play tea party with her babies brings a huge smile to my face everytime.
Lar and I... well we are doing great. It's an adjustment though. It took me awhile to figure out how to be independent and find comfort in just myself. And once I did, I really enjoyed the alone time I got. Now, I don't get that alone time anymore and it has been difficult to adjust to. That doesn't mean I regret us being back together because I absolutely don't, it's just an adjustment finding time for ME again. I love him and I love the time we get together and am so thankful that things worked out how they did. I learned such valuable lessons in my time alone that I would never trade for anything and think our relationship's strength relies on some of the lessons I learned. I think there is just a balance we have to find in our own lives and our life together.
Overall I'm completely happy. I am not someone that gives up, or sits down waiting for things to fall into my lap. When I want something, I go get it. Right now I have everything in my life that I need and I'm more than satisfied with that.