Enjoying The Now...

I've been so caught up lately in the unknown and uneasiness of things lately that I haven't even taken time to enjoy what IS there in my life. However, after talking to a friend today I realized life isn't about tomorrow, or what may happen, it's about enjoying the now. Anyone can sit and wonder what tomorrow may bring, but tomorrow may bring nothing. There is a lot of questions and uneasiness in my life right now, but if I just sat back and enjoyed it for what it is, I'd probably find pleasure in what is there now. After all, isn't that what is most important? So often we get caught up in the stress and worry of our lives and what the future may hold that we don't enjoy the moment for what it is. Every second you are breathing is a gift. Whether you are going through stressful things or not, it's a gift that you get to keep going and make your life a positive experience. So, for now I will put my questions and fears behind me and enjoy the present. I'll enjoy what is there for what it is and that it is there. Could tomorrow bring something different? Yes. But what is the point in being miserable while you have it just to be miserable once it's gone as well. Life is a roller coaster and I'm up for the ride.
 

Sometimes You Just Leap...

There are times in life when you do things you don't want to do.... have conversations you don't want to have... and enter the lions den because there is no other way. Sometimes, you just have to grab the bull by it's horns and address the things that are pressing you the most. Certainly, not everyone understands why you feel compelled to do things, but what matters is that you do. Your heart sings the only song your mind will ever understand. When it comes down to it, friends and family can advice you, but only what's inside leads you where you need to go. I'm at one of those times now... in multiple ways I guess. I know there are conversations that need to be had. Are they easy? Not even close. Are they necessary? Unfortunately yes. Everyone wants to be heard. Everyone wants to feel like the other person can understand why they are where they are. It's funny how you think a chapter in your life book has closed and something happens to show you it's quite far from over. Right now, I'm at one of those times that I don't understand the "why", but I know one day I will. Am I scared? Yes. Will I have anxiety like crazy? Probably. But it's what I have to do. It's always the scariest and hardest conversations that NEED to be done. And it's a guarantee that you will probably avoid them as long as possible. But at some point you have to just stop and face the problem. The future is obviously uncertain, but it will remain uncertain until you tackle the hurdles standing before you...

Life's Too Precious

In the last couple months a few people I went to school with have passed away at the young age of 25. Some I liked, some I didn't. However, that is beside the point of how quickly your name can be called out and your journey here on Earth is over. I strongly believe no parent should EVER have to bury their child and when I hear of people passing all I want to do is hold my kids just a little bit tighter. I sat back last night and thought about the fact that tomorrow is never promised. Not for me, not for you, not for anybody. I thought about getting frustrated with Kayd about his homework, being annoyed with Brooklynn's wineyness, and wondering if Kyler will ever quit needing something from me "right now!" and all I could think was how devastated I would be to not have any of that anymore. Life is a gift... and the many lives that tangle with your own whether children, family, or friends are gifts God is giving you. Whether it is for wonderful relationships, or lessons learned, they are all gifts. I don't want to ever regret being too tired to play, or too stressed out to listen, I want to always take every moment given to me to be there for my children. No one ever wakes up and thinks today could be it; today could present a turning point in your life you can never turn back from. So hug a litter tighter, kiss a little longer, and love a little deeper because life is a gift you are given, and tomorrow is never promised...

Faith Pays Off part 2

Well I know I've said it before, but I will say it again and again, having faith pays off. I met with my attorney today to sign final papers for the amendment to my paternity papers with sperm donor and I felt so blessed. My attorney showed me my statement and I had gone over my retainer fee considerably and will probably continue to do so. However, she said she isn't going to charge me another penny because I am exactly the kind of person she wants to help. She said me and my son have been through enough and putting a financial strain on me is not her plan. So, here I stand with so much incurred in attorney fees, but not owing a penny for them. When I decided I needed to take him back to court and have our papers changed I was terrified trying to figure out how I would be able to pay for it. I had a credit card to put the retainer on but after that I had no idea what I would do short of cutting back money on groceries to pay what else I would owe. But, I knew it needed to be done and had faith that it would all work out. Sure enough, that faith paid off. I am so blessed to have the people in my life that I do, and continue meeting people who genuinely care for me and my little family.  I suppose this is one of those times when I wonder why me? Why do I get to be blessed with help and good people in my life and other people aren't? The answers to why I will never know. But as I said, all I can say is thank you... I've been well taken care of by my angels I suppose and that's all that matters. Our papers will be signed by a judge in the next couple weeks and worries of him endangering my baby (once he gets out of prison that is) will all be in the past. When you don't know how to go forward, or are scared of how you will possibly be able to do it, remember to look above you and have faith that you will be taken care of. The path is full of hills and boulders, but never forget you are far from walking alone...

First Day of Kindergarten

1st Day of School!!

 

 

Ky not wanting to miss out on the fun :)

Well today was Kayden's first day of Kindergarten. What a bittersweet and emotion filled day for the both of us. While he is excited beyond belief, I sit back looking at this little boy's life. What an incredibly strong and brave little boy he has turned into. I am so excited for him and this adventure he has begun. Obviously it is a bittersweet moment for me seeing my first baby go to Kindergarten. However, I know he is going to do awesome and can't wait to hear all his stories about his first day of school. He was so brave he didn't even want me to stay and hang out until the bell rang (of course I did anyways lol) but as my mom said, I should be proud at what an independent little boy he's grown into and that it shows that he is confident. I guess it makes me feel like no matter all the things he has gone through, I've done something right. Instead of being a scared little boy with low confidence, I've already molded him into a confident young man. Boy am I proud!

Refocus

So ya know those moments where you just sort of get a sense of clarity? Where suddenly shit just starts to click and you know it's time to refocus? Yep, that's where I'm at right now. It all use to be pretty clear to me and pretty laid out of what I HAVE and what I don't and where I'm at and being okay with that. But, thanks to recent events, my view seems to have become distorted. I'm stuck in this sticky situation where I know what I need to do and that it has to be done, but I just can't seem to bring myself to do it. And furthermore, even when I can feel it coming, I get pissed off about it. How much sense does that even make?? Why is it that I know what I need and what is best for me, yet if I think it's coming I get irritated about it? blah blah blah right? I'm probably not making too much sense. The whole point though is that I really need to sit down and refocus on my life and my goals and my happiness. There are things I want and places I want to go in life and the only person holding myself back right now is ME. It really is true that you are your own worst enemy. Life is never easy, and it is absolutely what you make it. You walk a path that only YOU can choose to walk. Blessings, hardships, love, and sadness all make it onto your path eventually but ultimately you are who decides how to deal with them. It's like back when I had my epiphany and I just suddenly knew there was no longer any point in stressing because the only thing I have control over is myself. Well, obviously that remains true. It is up to me to make hard decisions or not. To decide how I go forward. The time is now... No one ever said it would be easy right? Just said that it would be worth it. To that, I agree. Life may not be a cake walk, and things may not always go my way, but in the end when I watch my life pass by in my final moments, I want to KNOW and completely feel that it was the best ride it could have possibly been.

Why Why Why

It's funny that one of the most common words we hear out of children's mouths is "why?". I know that personally, I've said a million times, "Because. Stop asking why to everything." Whys from a child are for simple things like, "Why can't I have that candy? Why is the sky blue? Why can't I eat ice cream for dinner?" etc. etc. Yet as an adult, if you really sit and think about it, we are still quite constantly asking "why??" Except as "grown ups" we ask why to harder questions. Why am I in this hard position? Why did my husband leave? Why can't life just be perfect? It's funny though when you stop and think "why not?" Every obstacle in life is a lesson. Quite often, finding answers to why is much harder than we want it to be. I've decided that rather than asking why, what if I just said thank you instead? Easy??? No. However, if I hadn't been given all these obstacles I wouldn't have learned all the lessons I have and grown in such drastic ways. I read something once that said something like, take notice to why everyone says why me in negative situations but never why with every positive in their life. Made sense once I thought about it. I've never said "Why do I have so many blessings? Why do I have a stable job and a nice roof over my head? Or even why do I have money in my bank account? I think that we spend so much time focusing on why we don't have this or why this isn't fair that we forget all the positive whys in our lives. As I've gone through this rough little patch the last couple weeks it's brought me to the realization that it is up to me to change my frame of mind about my current situation. After all, most of the time your mind is your worst enemy. So, thank you for the struggles I've been given because although they have been difficult, I've also grown tremendously from the finish lines I have crossed. As I walked across my lawn tonight asking why me, I realized why not me? Perhaps God put these struggles in my life because he knew without a doubt that I could handle them. These are my cards, I can either fold or bluff my way through. And I for one.... don't fold.