Emotional Overload

     Well, he's out. Officially. I took Kayden to see him last night and hung out for a little bit to make sure Kayd adjusted okay. What an emotional overload this week has been. It is so clear that he has definitely been in prison. You can tell he adjusted to that lifestyle to survive. I left crying last night because it was so emotional. I haven't seen him in over a year and I don't know how I thought I'd react. I knew he would be Andy. But sometimes it sucks when you get exactly what you expected. It was so sad to me because I really do think he will go back. I don't think he's learned yet. It's crushing to me to know this is ALWAYS Kayden's dad. I'm just drained right now.... Then to get chewed out by the other one and told " you just don't listen!!" Well I wonder when he'll get that I don't need to be told what to do. I'm not asking for advice. Sometimes I just need someone to listen to me. I guess that is where this blog comes in to play. It won't yell at me or tell me I'm stupid or how I just don't get it. It will just let me write it out and feel better when I'm done. It just seems like so much has happened lately in such a short amount of time that I'm just emotionally exhausted. I have soooooooooooo many wonderful friends, but right now I feel really alone. No one can really understand how I'm feeling. My sadness, my fears, my worries. Only I know.... and it is really lonely. Maybe this is just what I need right now though... to be alone and work through my thoughts. I really am ready for things to slow down in my life and just be boring for awhile. All I know is my kids are my everything and its so hard to see all that they have gone through. It's even harder when you know there are somethings you just can't protect them from. You can only be there for them to pick them up when they fall.

New year.... New Start....

     Here 2010 is wrapping up in the last couple weeks of December. And how glad I am that it is almost gone. 2010 has undoubtedly been the hardest year of my life. Besides the birth of my daughter, not much good has happened. It's been one storm after another. And here I am, almost a year later, feeling like I wish I was as strong as everyone thinks I am. Change has to happen and I have to be stronger now than ever. I've held onto so much that needed to be let go so long ago, and it has held me back from moving forward. That hasn't been fair to me, and it hasn't been fair to people I've met. However, I'm ready to move forward and not look back ever again. Tomorrow is the day Andy gets out and I need strength now more than ever before. The last thing I want is to be vulnerable to anyone. I want to be strong and confident and honest from here on out. I am no longer holding back because I don't want to hurt someone's feelings. Its about time I start caring about my own feelings. I'm gonna be selfish and I am going to do what makes ME happy. I sit here and say how tired I am of how my life has gone this year but at the same time who else can change that but me? I need to quit being so scared and running from things and people who could be really great for me. I need to finally take care of myself. And as my friend told me today, once I do that, the rest will fall into place. I don't want to come up with excuses anymore for ANYTHING. As strong as everyone thinks I've been, I've also been incredibly weak and naive. And admitting that is embarrassing. 2011 is a new start for me. A new start for my kids. I want them to see their mom happy. And forward is the only direction to go to get there....It's time for me to blossom....

Adventures in Mommyhood Part 4....

*Tupperware Fun*

   

     For all of my Utah readers who drove home in that idiotic traffic on I-15 last night I'm sure you were all just as frustrated as I was. Why in the world was traffic not moving just to finally reach my destination and realize there was never even a wreck?! I didn't get to daycare until 6:00 but luckily I stayed pretty patient on the drive. However, Kayden needed to be to Rich and Lisa by 6:20 so I hurried as quick as I could to get him dropped off. Once I finally got the rest of my team home and fed I was so tired! But what I'm sure every mom can relate to is the fact that of course, there was cleaning and laundry that had to be done. I straightened up and went to throw laundry in and when I came back out Brooklynn had cleaned out my entire tupperware cupboard. As tired as I was, and as much as I didn't want to clean up anymore, all I could do was laugh. How cute she looked in her little diaper playing in all the bowls and lids. It reminds me how simple babies truely are. She finds such joy and fun in playing with measuring cups and tupperware. All I could do was smile as I watched how much fun she was having. At what point does life start to get so complicated? When do we stop finding the joy in simple things? Is it something we learn? Is it us, the parents, who are in fact teaching our children that bigger is better? As I pondered these thoughts I put Brooklynn and Kyler in the bath and didn't even care that they were splashing water all over my bathroom. Watching the sheer joy in their eyes as they had "deep sea adventures" took me back to being 3 years old. Nothing was better than getting wrinkly in a bathtub whose water eventually went cold from playing so long. When I finally got them out, I stopped cleaning. I stopped straightening up. I just simply sat with my babies and enjoyed the simple joy of holding them close; of cuddling them in their bath towels and tickling their bellies. If my kids can find so much joy in such simple things, I too need to find that again. Of course there is a lot to do. Laundry will never stop, and there will always be some cleaning to be done. But I'm sick of getting so caught up in making sure it's all done that I'm missing the simple joys of just being with my kids. Last night I was reminded of such an important lesson in life: never get too busy that you stop finding time to stop and smell the roses.  

1 Week Left...

    Well there is 1 week left until Andy gets out. To say I'm nervous would be an understatement. I'm scared for Kayden and how he will adjust. I'm scared for me for how I will adjust. It's funny how one day, just one small moment can impact the rest of your life. Every person you meet puts a footprint on your life's path. Whether they are only there momentarily or permanent residents, everyone holds a purpose. I never would have thought by just hearing " Hi, I'm Andy. Want me to walk you to your mom's car?" would change the rest of my life. What a rollarcoaster ride I've been on with this person. And now, because of Kayden, he'll always play a part in my life. I of course hope the best for him and that he can really straighten up this time. Are my hopes up?? No. But for Kayden, the precious angel who deserves only the best, I hope this was finally the last straw. I am hopeful however that I can be a stronger person this go around. I am not the same woman I was when he went in. I am more confident now than ever that I will not put up with the b.s. I also feel so much relief knowing that I am not going into this battle alone. I may be divorced now, but I have more friends now than I ever have before walking behind me. With old friends who know him and my situation, and new ones who don't, I have so much support. I already have butterflies and its a week away. I know that the day he calls me because he's out I will be a frazzled mess. So thank you ahead of time to all the friends I will call to help me relax when that moment comes. Thank you for your support and your understanding. I love you all!!!

Meant to be ....Then

     I heard a song today that said something like " we aren't meant to be, but we WERE meant to be then." How right that is! I have had 2 men in my life that I have cried over and wondered if this is what the plan was for me, why did you bring them into my life?? Just to torture me? But no, we WERE MEANT TO BE while it happened. I have the 3 most beautiful children a mom could ask for. And without those men, they wouldn't be here with me. It's funny that when I went through my breakup and divorce all I wanted was for them to be miserable. For them to hurt and cry and see what it was like to not be okay. And there were times, that I did get just what I wanted. But it didn't do anything for me.... All it did was make me wish they were okay. Now that I have healed from the wounds of those relationships all I want is their friendship. I am soooooooo grateful that me and Lar are so close. That we still are such great friends and can do things together and do things as a family. And it's so wonderful to know I am loved. He would do anything for me as would I him. It's just not the kind of love that makes a marriage work. I'm thankful that he makes sure I'm taken care of and that if I need help with something, he never hesitates. Now, Andy gets out soon.... and all I hope for is that we can be friends. I know that it is quite possible that that will never happen. That we will never be able to be friends. But I still hope that for Kayden, we can get along and show Kayden what matters most is him. Not his mom & dad's emotions. I know that Andy loves me and that it may not be a healthy love and it may not be reciprocated back, but I hope in that love, he can just give it knowing it is what it is. Give it in an appropriate way knowing that it is what is best for Kayden. I would be lying if I said I'm not scared of what will happen when he gets out. Because I am. But I also know I'm not the same woman now as I was when he went in. So I hope that that can give me the confidence I need to be strong with myself and the boundaries that are best for my family.... That's all for now :) Lamb Chops and Polka Dots! <3

May You Forever Fly With Angels

To My Dearest Aunt Denise,
  It has been 1 year today since you left us. And who would have thought in just 1 year how much life can truly change. It seems like in just 365 days I had to learn how to readjust to everything. How to readjust to life. I will never know why you left only that I have missed you. But I know how many times I have felt you with me. From the birth of my daughter, to the many nights I cried myself to sleep. Perhaps you simply became one of MY angels. The memories of you that I cherish so much will forever fill my heart. I know how proud of me that you are and I know without a doubt you have held my hand through this entire year. I hope that you have found the peace that you so desperately must have longed for. Our whole family will forever have a gap where you once were. One of the last memories I have of you was at Great Grandpa's funeral when you were rubbing my belly. You said " I hope your daughter is just like you!" hahaha well, she is! She looks just like me and already has a prissy attitude some days. But oh how much I love her. I know you are here with me on a regular basis and I know without a doubt you were there when I gave birth. Thank you for walking my beautiful angel into this world. As my tears fall I can only smile because of how wonderful that you are and always were. From the memories of shopping or cherries, to water parks and Disney World. You will always fill my mind. I love and miss you dearly. May you continue to rest in peace and forever fly with angels...

Week 1..... down :)

 Well I survived my first week of school!! And it wasn't nearly as bad as I thought it would be. I was super worried I wouldn't have good time management skills to be able to do it successfully. However, I did great!! I was even ahead on my assignments before they were due. I have 1 grade back so far and it was an A-. Which actually peeves me a little bit. I'm really going to try hard for a 4.0 and I can't get that with A- grades!! I was able to balance home and being mommy with work and school extremely well. I just did a lot of work on my lunch hours and after the kids went to bed. I know it's only one week down but I'm hoping I can continue at the same pace until I finish :) I'm just trying to stay motivated and not let anything distract me. I've gotten some great advice from a great friend who went back to school as a single mom of 5 kids and finished all the way through her doctoral degree. What an inspiration she is to me. I want to do what she does and kick ass just like her!