Acceptance

I believe that divorce or an ending in a relationship like it is truly a loss. Such as a death of a loved one, you grieve. And just as there is a grieving process in the loss of a loved one, so is there with my divorce. I think I have cycled through the 5 stages of grieving and finally come to the end. The 5th step: Acceptance. It started with Stage 1: Denial. I couldn't imagine this had happened to me. There was no possible way that the love of my life had done this. It HAD to be a phase. Something he was going through. Lack of sleep, depression, stress, money, work. It had to be ANYTHING but me. Because we were so in love. Plus everyone said, he would wake up one day and snap out of it and we would be fine. Just give him space and time. And I truly hoped and believed people were right. He'd come around. Stage 2: Anger. I was pissed. After everything we had been through, he would just turn his back and walk away? After we started this family?! 4 kids?! He promised me he'd never hurt me. He made vows to me through thick and thin. Did that mean nothing? I mean how could he tell me everyday he loved me, bring me flowers on a regular basis, text me just to say he missed me etc. And now this?! How dare he do this to us! Break up the family we started together and leave me doing it alone!! Stage 3: Bargaining. Well, maybe I'm just not doing something well enough. I'm not into the same things as him. I'll start making it right. I'll do favors for him, I'll show interest in the things he likes. Something will work. I've just got to change me. I'll be sweet, and caring, and help him out. Stage 4: Sadness. Everyone has been wrong. He isn't coming back around. He isn't snapping out of it. I've tried to talk to him and see if something can work. And it just isn't. It's over. It happened.... and there is nothing that can change it now. Stage 5: Acceptance. This is where I am now. This has been far from easy. The hardest thing I've ever gone through in my life probably. But it happened. Despite how many people feel at this point, he is a good person. He is a wonderful father and still for the most part, wonderful to me. I've accepted the fact that we aren't going to be together. And I wouldn't want him to come back because of the kids. I don't want to be insecure the rest of my life wondering why he is there. It's just done. And although it has hurt, and I have cried, and I have screamed, and I have broken stuff, I have come such a long way. The wheels of life are spinning and there is a plan for me. And whether we are together in a romantic relationship or not, we are a family. And to both of us our kids are what is number 1. And I hope that we can continue to do things as a family and show our kids how much WE love them TOGETHER even if we aren't together. Sometimes things don't work out for one reason or another. And this was one of those things I guess. But I have accepted what has happened. And because of that, I think I am in a much better place. Ya know, the facts are that our relationship started with a bang. And it just moved faster than the speed of light. Ya know we both started with 1 child, and in a little less than 4 years we had 4. We never had time for each other and I think as hard as we tried to not become a statistic, we did. We were devoted parents and put everything into taking care of our kids, but NOT nurturing our relationship at the same time. Things kept piling up and eventually that pile came tumbling down. It is what it is at this point. Anger and sadness and heart ache aside, it is what it is. I can't quit playing this song lately called "The Heart of The Matter" sung by India Arie. She did a remake of it. I just relate. Here are the lyrics. Everything but the first paragraph feel like the words taken from my lips.

I got the call today, I didn't want to hear
But I knew that it would come,
An Old True friend of ours was talkin on the phone
She said you found someone

And I thought of all the bad luck, and the struggles we went through
How I lost me, and you lost you
What are all these voices, outside love's open door
Make us throw off our contentment and beg for something more

I've been learning to live without you now
But I miss you sometimes
The more I know, the less I understand
All the things I thought I knew, I'm learning them again

I've been trying to get down, to the heart of the matter
But my will gets weak, and my thoughts seem to scatter
But I think it's about, forgiveness, forgiveness
Even if, even if, you don't love me anymore

These times are so uncertain, there's a yearning undefined
And people filled with rage
We all need a litter tenderness, how can love survive
In such a graceless age

And the trust and self-assurance that lead to happiness
Are the very things we kill, I guess
Pride and competition cannot fill these empty arms
And the work they put between us, you know it doesn't keep us warm

I've been learning to live without you now
But I miss you, baby
The more I know, the less I understand
And all the things I thought I'd figured out, I'm learning them again

I've been trying to get down, to the heart of the matter
But my will gets weak and my heart is so shattered
But I think it's about forgiveness, forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore

All the people in your life who've come and gone
They let you down, you know they hurt your pride
Gotta put it all behind you cause life goes on
You keep carryin that anger, it'll eat you up inside

I want to be happily ever after
And my heart is so shattered
But I think it's about forgiveness, forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore

I've been tryin to get down, to the heart of the matter
But the flesh gets weak, and ashes will scatter
So I'm thinking about forgiveness, forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore

Counting My Blessings

Today I can't stop thinking about my kids. And how much I love them. I am seriously sooooooo blessed to have been given the opportunity to be their mommy. Being a single mom is the HARDEST thing I've ever done and probably ever will do. But it is so worth it :) Lots of people have their opinions of me having 3 kids at 24. And that's fine, they can continue to have their opinions. Because God chose me to be their mommy and not you because he saw that I was the best fit. He knew, that in all the obstacles that he would drop in my way in life, I would over come them and still be a great mom. It sometimes feels like endless frustrations, and constant battles, but at the end of the day, tucking them into bed, and kissing their heads while they sleep, is such gift I get every night. It makes me tear up, because my kids truely mean so so much to me. Kayden takes such good care of me. He's struggling lately with some things, but he still tells me if I get sad or upset about anything " Mommy, it's ok to cry, but I'll make it better." And my little Kyler :) I just can never tell him no when he walks into my room at 3:00 in the morning and asks " momma can I sleep wiff you??" Even though he WILL kick me in my back the rest of the night, having my sweet baby boy next to me is worth it. And my little Brookers. What an angel I was blessed with. She gave me a kiss yesterday with out me asking for it and it made me smile so big. Having her in my arms anytime of day, makes my heart smile. It really is amazing, that of allllllllllllllllll the mommies in the world, God chose me to give these little babies too. How truely truely blessed I am. I love you K-Bros and Brooklynn. More than you will ever know.

I'm Me...

I like girlie things... I like to have good hair, and my nails done. I've never mowed a lawn, and I hate getting dirty. I love to shop and sometimes watch the QVC channel. My eyes go really blue when I cry and I blush easily. I get nervous when guys flirt with me and I haven't had a drink. I'm honest, loyal, and real. My friends mean everything to me, and my kids are my whole world. I find comfort in the rain, and the thunder still scares me. I love to dream and am scared of the dark. I have lots of "baggage" but to me... its what makes me happy. I am me. :) I am no one else. You either love me or hate me. I love to laugh, and make others laugh. I generally have a smile on my face and when I don't everyone worries. I am a mom, a daughter, a sister, and a friend. I love me. And I am completely okay with being the one who makes me happy. I am proud of who I am. I am okay with picking up the pieces of my own life and not being rescued. And no obstacle that comes my way will stop me..... I will conquer all. No peak is too high for me, and I will always encourage my children to never give up. Because if giving up was an option... I wouldn't be where I am. I am me.... and I am proud to say that.

"“I am Me. In all the world, there is no one else exactly like me. Everything that comes out of me is authentically mine, because I alone chose it -- I own everything about me: my body, my feelings, my mouth, my voice, all my actions, whether they be to others or myself. I own my fantasies, my dreams, my hopes, my fears. I own my triumphs and successes, all my failures and mistakes. Because I own all of me, I can become intimately acquainted with me. By so doing, I can love me and be friendly with all my parts. I know there are aspects about myself that puzzle me, and other aspects that I do not know -- but as long as I am friendly and loving to myself, I can courageously and hopefully look for solutions to the puzzles and ways to find out more about me. However I look and sound, whatever I say and do, and whatever I think and feel at a given moment in time is authentically me. If later some parts of how I looked, sounded, thought, and felt turn out to be unfitting, I can discard that which is unfitting, keep the rest, and invent something new for that which I discarded. I can see, hear, feel, think, say, and do. I have the tools to survive, to be close to others, to be productive, and to make sense and order out of the world of people and things outside of me. I own me, and therefore, I can engineer me. I am me, and I am Okay.” - Virginia Satir

Love this!!

After a while you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul, And you learn that love doesnt mean leaning and company doesnt mean security, And you begin to learn that kisses arent contracts and presents arent promises, And you begin to accept your defeats with your head up and your eyes open, with the grace of an adult, not the grief of a child And you learn to build all your roads on today because tomorrows ground is too uncertain for plans. After a while you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much. So plant your garden and decorate your own soul, instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers. And you learn that you really are strong, And you really do have worth.

Over it!

So today I'm feeling angry and upset. I feel like I'm a good person. I feel like I haven't done anything to hurt anyone else or anything to deserve half the shit I've gone through. Let me clear this up upfront, I am not pittying myself. And I most certainly am aware that everyone goes through shit. That's fine... But right now I am angry that I've gone through what I've gone through. I think it's really really sad that I've dealt with such pussy men. Andy, not only was just a piece of shit from day 1, but walked away from his "family" as he calls it. If you ask me, we were never a family. Me and Kayden were a family. Period. In order to be a family that would have meant you were around at some point. Which you weren't. You were sniffing away your "family". And then, to sit in prison and send me letters like maybe you possibly have a chance again one day. Give me a fucking a break. You can't get a 2nd chance at something you never had. Get that, understand that, and move on. Accept the fact that you lost the best thing that ever happened to you and move the hell on. No one pitties you or feels bad for you. Sorry. That would mean you would have had to have had respect from people. Which you never did. Done. Then there was Larry. I don't care who is reading this or how you feel about it. It's my space to write what I want when I want. And write about it openly. He is a great dad. Let me clarify that up front. He takes care of his kids and makes sure I am taken care of as well. That aspect I can't complain on. What is really pissing me off right now is the fact that he takes ZERO responsibility for this divorce. Remember, the divorce HE WANTED. If you forgot that part, go back and read the last 29 blogs. I didn't want this HE DID. However, he feels that it is not his responsibility at all to pay for any of it. Instead he thinks its perfectly reasonable that I, the now SINGLE MOM, pay the $4000 out of my own pocket while he goes about his life scotch free. Wow sounds like quite a man. I love that men think that its okay to go around, creating chaos and havick, and going about their lives like nothing ever happened. Well news flash to both you dicktards, I'm sick and fucking tired of being nice. Being walked on and doing nice things for both of you. I'm sick of taking your feelings into consideration in every choice I make. " Will this hurt his feelings?" " I just think I would be sad if this happened to me..." etc etc. Fuck it. Neither of you have given a flying fuck about my feelings. So hate to say it, but I officially don't care about yours. This is why God made woman the stronger of the 2. Because when shit gets hard, we don't run away like little bitches, we put our big girl panties on and get shit handled. Well in case you haven't noticed, my big girl panties are on. And I'm over it.